


Blackbird

by PinkSnow



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2park are Master's students in Psychology, Angst with a Happy Ending, Contemporary dancer Park Jihoon, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jihoon with a mysterious past, Jihoon with a tamper tantrums, M/M, New York City, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past and Present, Psychology, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Violence, Woojin and Jihoon 25 years old, sex & alcohol though nothing is explicit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2019-10-24 07:26:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 41,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17700149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkSnow/pseuds/PinkSnow
Summary: Park Woojin and Park Jihoon had experienced very horrible events in the past, in which they lost very important people in their lives. However, Woojin managed to overcome this distress and become a better person who has a noble goal to achieve. On the other hand, Jihoon couldn't. Instead, he got lost, trying to find answers to questions that had been wandering his mind for years. He even trapped himself in a small circle and never wanted to get out.Will Jihoon ever overcome whatever he had experienced, and release the blackbird that is inside him? Will he even manage to admit that he actually lived such a horrible incident?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> * This is my first fiction. I had this idea before for a very long time before I even know 2Park, but I guess it was meant to be written for them.
> 
> 1- Since the story happened in the USA, there are conversations in English. (the Korean ones will be written in a dark black color.
> 
> 2- I changed some facts about everyone. Park Woojin and Park Jihoon are 25 years old. They both are studying master in Psychology. (I had to raise their ages to match the story) Both Kang Daniel and Ha Sungwoon are around the same age as 2park. (Ha Sungwoon is older of course.)
> 
> 3- As you all already know that this is a fiction, which means everything is unreal, so I apologize in advance for making some unfortunate events. Such as, (Jiwoo is Woojin's twin sister who killed herself when they were in high school) (In reality, Woojin doesn't have a twin sister)
> 
> 4- I changed everyone's character to match the storyline. I hope you won't find this uncomfortable. 
> 
> 5- I want to inform you that English is not my mother language so I apologize for any grammar mistakes you may find. 
> 
> 6- I have never studied Psychology, but I really like it, which is why I decided to write a fiction that has this kind of thoughts. However, I researched a lot about this major and I also asked my friends who studied Psychology in the USA. 
> 
> 7- As I already mentioned above in the tags, there will be some angst, but I promise you a happy ending.
> 
> WARNING: Suicide is mentioned and implied - Violence may occur

**Ch1:**

**_Winter of 2022,_ **

 

Inside a Psychiatric Clinic across the street. Jihoon was sitting on a white chair in front of Dr. Park Woojin. The room was extremely white as if the psychologist himself wanted to feel peace, pretending that his life has never been a mess.  
  
There were black halos under Jihoon’s eyes, his lips were dried and cracked. He was sure that he looked not only shit but also weak and pale. Yet, for the first time in his life, he didn’t care.  
  
“ **It was fucking midnight when Mom entered my room. I was barely 7 years old, I guess** ” Jihoon sounded subdued, forcing himself to remember the scariest memory he had ever lived. His gaze went from the doctor to the painting behind, staring blankly. “ **I think I was watching TV and I didn’t notice that she was strangely sad. I mean she had always been sad which I got used to it already, but that time it was different, there was something weird inside her eyes, the way she was looking at me** ” He halted and bit his lower lip for a second. “ **She was really looking at me, which was very rare. I remember that I felt happy and I started talking about random things that I don’t remember, without fear.** ”  
  
“ **Fear of what?** ” Woojin asked carefully then swallowed hard. Trying to ignore the fact that this patient in front of him is Jihoon, the one he loved two years ago and he could see how much he had changed. He used to have a Honey blonde hair, muscles and a good healthy skin that turned to be pale, but now his hair is black, he had never seen that color on him. He even could see how much weight the other lost, to the extent that he couldn't believe it was really him.

Jihoon looked at him in the eyes, and a weak smirk flitted across his face. “ **Fear... of her getting mad all of a sudden saying that I am an annoying little brat.** ” Annoying brat. The same discerption Woojin used to call him before.  
  
For a moment they merely stared at each other, as the Doctor's thoughts were returned to the first time they met, to the first smirk he saw on the other's face, the malicious one that he used to give.

Indeed, Jihoon was quite strong, but the way he looked right this moment, was something Woojin never thought it would happen and certainly, not like this.

“ **Yes? I’m listening** ” He interrupted, shushing the noises inside his head.  
  
Jihoon smiled because that was obvious. At least for him. “ **She never listened to me, and in that time she was actually listening. I thought she finally cared, but now I fully understand it was an only pity, because of what she had done to me later on.** ”  
  
Woojin’s heart pounded unmercifully, hearing the last remark.

* * *  
Back to 1994

Darkness prevailed when thick clouds hid the moon. And Seoul’s paved streets were almost silent, but a sound of a twenty young woman’s steps were barely heard as she sauntered, holding an 8-years-old-kid’s hand so tight to the point that anyone would probably think that he would escape if she loosened his grip, but he wouldn’t because she was his mother.

The woman looked a bit lost thinking, her legs were struggling with each step she was taking. Her kid tried to give a glance at her face, but he couldn’t due to the raindrops that suddenly started falling. He didn’t even notice that she was crying, because the street’s light reflected on his eyes and prevented him from seeing her face clearly.

However, he didn’t bother to steal another look. He extended his other little hand to feel the rain. “ **It’s raining** ” He muttered, not so happy about it. His mother didn’t replay to that. “ **Where are we going?** ” He asked, although his questions never met answers.

Again, there was no response. It’s not like the kid didn’t expect this already, but the way his mother acted before they go out, gave him a hope that she might answer him this time. She was so sweet to him, and yet he couldn’t understand the reason behind her sudden attitude. Nevertheless, he was happy. That meant she loved him not like what other kids were telling him. That his mother is a psycho woman and that was impossible she could be his real mother. He didn’t believe any of these lies even though they were believable. She was an American girl who moved to Seoul long time ago, and also though he doesn’t look like her, he believed in what she told him before, that he only looks like his father and that excuse was fine.

The path was too long, and the rain kept falling. He felt bored and started to stare at his feet while splashing on the wet streets. It seemed fun, and without thinking, he began to jump. “ **Calm down…** ” The woman whispered to her son quietly. He stopped jumping and looked at her, but raindrops prevented him again. She was calm herself in a way that let him wonder what’s wrong with her? She was the kind of a mother who would shout at her children every time they mess up.

Now it was different, this night was different.

The woman’s grip tightened on his hand. “ **It hurts,** ” The kid told her, looking at her face. But she didn’t respond or even eases her grip. She wasn’t aware of anything he’d been saying, she was crying all the way long, in silence. Her heart was pounding hard.

The wind blew hard suddenly, making them stop. The woman closed her eyes and the kid snuggled into her arms to get warm. However, he felt nothing but colder.

The raindrops were heavier by now, but they kept walking. “ **We’re almost there** ” She whispered, and her chest tightened at her own words.

By the time they reached the house, she was shivering and stiff. He looked at her and asked, “ **Whose house is this?** ” Instead of answering, she took a moment to breathe deeply, but her chest was too tight for her to make it. She looked down at him and her mouth twisted in a smile that was filled with sorrow. “ **Everything will be okay in the end** ” The woman spoke quietly. Her eyes were red and swollen, with dark circles under them “ **Why? What’s gonna happen?** ” Her son asked, still hoping that he would get an answer. Yet, she ignored him again and fixed her look in the mirror. His hands carelessly tucked in his pockets. Finally, she knocked on the door and forced herself to breathe steadily. Later few seconds, the door opened quietly, and a tall, stoop-shouldered old man came out. He studied the kid for a few seconds and then looked at her. “ **You brought your child? Guess you still determined to go?** ” She took one look at the smirk on his face and then let out an exasperated sigh. “ **Can I get in?** ”  
He smiled mischievously at her son and patted his head. “ **Eunchul!** ” She said, her tone was stern. Finally, he stepped away and let them in.

The house smelled alcohols, and the kid got so disgusted with it, he looked at his mother and wanted to tell her that the house is dirty. All he knew was that she’s so sensitive with dirtiness. She would get angry seeing his games over the floor, she would even get mad of sensing dust, but now she seemed she had got used to living in such a house.

Bottles were scattered everywhere as they walk and his feet were hitting them by accident but what made him think was why wouldn’t she get mad? Why was she looking different today?

“ **So?** ” The man stopped walking as they stepped into his room. “ **Nothing would change your mind?** ” He asked turning to her. “ **Nothing!** ” Her voice sounded terrible. “ **What about one last hookup?** ” He smiled, touching her hair. “ **NO!** ” She made herself clear. “ **My journey is tonight. And our last hookup was yesterday. Just give me the money!** ” She was shivering. “You know I’m not gonna let you leave until I get you again, right?” He smirked, touching her hair.

“ **My son is here.** ” She held his hand.  
“ **Don’t worry he’ll be safe.”** He said and watched her giving a thought about it. “ **Come on! I know you want it** ” She looked at her son and then looked at him again. “ **2000$ then.** ”

“ **You must be kidding me** ” He laughed ironically but she didn’t, she looked serious. “ **You are serious?** ”

“ **Yes, I am. If you’re not going to give me the money, don’t waste my time** ” She snarled. The kid was confused. What was exactly happening?

* * *

A few hours later, she had her clothes on and went out to see her kid. She heard a faint cry coming from a long corridor. The voice was familiar. _Jihoon…? My kid!_ She ran fast toward the sound and then stopped.

Stunned look appeared on her face. “ **J... Jihoon?** ”  
…

  
The room was dark. Sarah was next to her kid singing an old song over and over again. He wanted to tell her to stop, but she never did. She kept singing the same song for hours.

“ _Why you wanna fly Blackbird_  
_You ain't ever gonna fly_  
_Why you wanna fly Blackbird_  
_You ain't ever gonna fly_

 _No place big enough for holding_  
_All the tears you're gonna cry_  
_Cause your mama's name was lonely_  
_And your daddy's name was_ pain  
_And he called you little sorrow_  
_Cus you'll never love again_ ”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again,
> 
> They always say that a person can't see his/her own mistakes. So if you find errors, feel free to tell me in comments or my private twitter acc.
> 
> Here is a reminder: Conversations in Korean will be in dark black. 
> 
> I think that's it. I am not sure I want to add something.

**Fall of 2019**

 

The sun of the first of September rose bright and fair, and the sky looked almost clear. However, that wasn't quite enough for him, that he needed to take the umbrella just in case, because all he knew was that weather can’t be trusted and he couldn’t help but to be ready.

 

Park Woojin was a very cautious kind of guy.

 

He climbed into the car he had rent a few days ago, threw the umbrella on the seat next to him and started the engine. Woojin had never been in New York before. He didn’t even expect to live there at all, and still, he didn’t have the chance to look around this big city. Yet, he wasn’t interested in taking a tour any time soon.

 

Woojin had the first couple years in California studying English, and the surprising thing was he learned another language, Spanish. He had never been interested in learning languages, but the roommate he had was from Mexico. And he was too much glorious.

 

A new life was ahead of him, it’s different from what he dreamt of, but he didn’t care, because now, he had a noble goal and is on the way to reach it.

 

The college wasn’t that far from where he lived. An apartment next to his college was one of the many things he put on his to-do list. He would always make plans, and sometimes his friends in San Diego called him Boring. He knew this is true, but he also knew it’s the only way to achieve his goals. Moving to New York was the first step because it has the university that gives a master degree in counseling psychology.

 

In fact, Woojin wasn’t that kind of a guy before. He was just the opposite of everything he’s now. If his old friends were here, they would be surprised that their friend is now boring, and even has a list to follow. They wouldn't believe it.

Woojin wasn’t _cautious_ , but he became one after the unexpected horrible death that happened to his twin sister, Jiwoo.

 

The first lecture had already started. Woojin stepped inside and apologized for being late. He took a seat as the professor continued talking and Woojin let out a sigh of relieve as he opened his notebook. The professor introduced himself and spoke about his academic achievements.

 

There were times when Woojin hated these kinds of introductions, especially when those professors start talking about their accomplishments which reminded him of his past when he had some of those great achievements. He was really a good dancer who participated in so many contests and won so many prizes. Woojin supposed to study anything that relates to dancing, but he never had the choice to choose because of what happened to his twin sister.

Someone had just entered, snatching Woojin’s eyes. 

The guy was incredibly beautiful in a way that Woojin couldn’t stop staring. He didn’t doubt for a bit that the guy is Korean. But yet he needed a small clarification.

Their eyes met for a second, and he could swear he glanced a smirk on the guy’s face that made his throat dry, and he found it hard to swallow. He was sure as fuck he had never seen as beautiful as that guy before.

 

“I wasn’t surprised when I saw your name on my list Park Jihoon.”

 Woojin’s heart skipped a beat at the professor’s remark, even though he knew it.

 

“but to be very honest, I am surprised seeing you attend the first lecture” The professor added while flipping pages of the book he was holding. “It’s an improvement.”

Jihoon took a seat on the left side in front of Woojin. “I couldn’t find something more fun than seeing your face Mr. Frank,” He said that with irony.

 

Woojin’s eyes widened. He thought his remark was inappropriate, which was funny because he used to mock his teachers too. However, they weren’t teenagers anymore. They were graduate students. And from what he could see inside this class, there were several old people.

 

“But I wish this will be your fourth and last time for taking this particular course,” Frank said.

 

“We never know” Jihoon forced a smile to the professor.

 

 “So since you’re here, which is good. Tell us what the warning signs of mental illness are? I guess it’s an easy question for someone like you” The professor put the book down and folded his arms across his chest.

 

“They tend to take a lot of selfies” Jihoon answered, giving a girl he knew a wink. She put her middle finger up to him and mouthed _Asshole!_  

 

Professor Frank’s jaw tightened, and his eyes flashed a warning.

 

Woojin thought it was weird that Jihoon took this course for the fourth time! _Is that even allowed?_   He still couldn’t understand how things work inside this university. However, he shouldn't mind, he has to be focused on what mattered him the most.

 

“What else?” Dr Frank’s voice took him out of his thoughts. “What are the signs of mental illness do you think?”

A few seconds of silence have passed until someone answered: “Thinking or talking about suicide or harming oneself, maybe?”

Woojin’s heart pounded, hearing this particular answer. Even though he knew that this topic will be opened sooner or later. No matter how hard it would be and no matter how many times it reminded him of the worst day of his life. The day his sister killed herself. He would never forget the reason he came here in the first place; why he swore he’d dedicate his life to help people in need. People who are suffering like did his sister Jiwoo.

 

He could have taken Psychology anywhere else! He could have made it in California where he was, but he wanted something specific. He kept looking for what exactly he needed until he saw that [Psychology of Suicide] is one of this university’s courses.

 

Then he applied without thinking. _Planning?_ It came later.

 

“Yes. Suicide which is our main topic for this course…” Frank answered, but soon he was interrupted, “I am sorry Mr Frank!” Jihoon said, attracting their attention. 

“I’ve taken this course three times as you already know and I still can’t understand why do some people kill themselves! And of course, I am not talking about those who are affected by various illnesses such as depression\mood disorders. I am talking about those who choose to die” His legs were crossed, and he was leaning on the back of the chair carelessly.

A woman who was sitting in the front cleared her voice, “Suicide is complex. There are so many factors that might lead to it in addition to mental disorders.”

 Jihoon turned to her, “With all of my respect, I think it’s a sign of stupidity.”

 

Everyone around was looking at him right now. Some of them were shocked because they would never talk the way he did. Others were interested because they knew Jihoon and every time he spoke he would say something either impressive or funny.

 

Woojin was looking too, but he was frustrated. _Jiwoo wasn’t stupid!_ _Someone rapped her and made her take her own life! She was desperate! She needed help, and she couldn’t find it!_

 

“Suicide is the most stupid thing would have anyone done! No matter what they had in the past they should never have done such a thing” Jihoon added.

That was true; they should never kill themselves. _Jiwoo should have never killed herself!_

“If that was necessary instead, they should kill whoever was the reason they want to kill themselves” Jihoon’s tone was icy in which some students find it very offensive.

 

Another woman in her late-thirties looked at Jihoon, “Stupid is a childish judgment son” Her voice was very calm which annoyed Jihoon. “We are not here to judge those who choose a fortunate choice, we are here to learn how predictive tools, like standard scales or measures, help us as clinicians to assess suicide and to prevent it.”

 

Dr. Frank nodded and focused his eyes on Jihoon. “But I still wonder; why did you choose Psychology as your major?”

 

“Of course to know about psycho people and avoid them” Jihoon shrugged.

 

Frank opened his mouth, but someone was quick, “Are you sure you’re not one of them?” Woojin finally spoke, and in spite of the anger in his voice, some students burst out laughing.

 

Jihoon turned to look at him, and within a few seconds, he gazed silently into the other’s eyes. His features were calm. “I will make sure to take an appointment with you, and you’ll decide that yourself,” He said, then smirked and it was a bit scary. “Just let me know if you start a clinic” he licked his lower lip and Woojin wasn’t sure if that meant something.

 

Dr. Frank cleaned his throat then looked at Woojin, “What’s your name?”

 

“Park Woojin”

 

Dr. Frank freed a smile and then continued his lecture. Woojin’s heart was still racing. He couldn’t believe that he dared to say such a thing in front of everyone, but he couldn’t control himself either, he just felt the need to shut the fuck up Jihoon was saying.

 

The first lecture had taken all the energy he had left for that day. He knew that Psychology of Suicide was the most painful thing he could learn, and the past two years he managed in a way to learn how to deal with it, mainly that he was able to save a life from inevitable death. Nevertheless, the things Jihoon was saying were painfully real, in a way that made him feel so mad.

 

Saving lives wasn't just a promise anymore. It became a must now! And since he had one year of working as a student guide assistant in a high school after he finished his bachelor, he had the chance to save that life. But he wanted to be more than a guide in a school, he wanted to be someone who could do more.

 

Woojin absent-mindedly walked over a group of people toward his car. Tow hours free until his next lecture. He couldn’t decide where he should go yet, but he never minds.

“ **Hey! Woojin!** ” Someone called from behind, and he turned. “ **Hi** ” The guy extended his hand to shake hands with him. “ **I’m Kim Jaehwan. I was with you in Dr Frank’s class.** ”

 

“ **Oh! Hello** ” Woojin shook him. “ **I didn’t expect to find so many Koreans here.** ”

 

“ **We’re everywhere believe me,** ” Jaehwan said, making Woojin laugh. “ **Anyway, thank you for shutting Jihoon’s mouth. I’ve always wished that I could make some sarcastic reply, but none came to mind. He’s such a cocky.** ”

 

“ **You know him?** ” Woojin was surprised.

 

“ **Yes, I have known him since ever. Yet I don’t even understand why he’s still a part of this major! Especially that he can choose any other thing, he wants since his uncle is the dean.** ”

 

“ **The dean!! You mean Dean. Richard Blake?** ”

 

“ **Yes yes. That’s his uncle. Jihoon is actually Korean, but his mother is American, and the dean is her brother, and the funny thing is he never admits that he’s Korean** ” Jaehwan added while walking next to Woojin. “ **So do you want to join us?** ” Jaehwan pointed out to a car. “ **We’re going to a close cafe.** ”

 

Even though Woojin was a social person before, he became the opposite after he lost his sister. Yet, curiosity led him to that car. He wanted to know more about this guy who called Park Jihoon.

 He got in the car and found 2 people. “ **Hello,** ” Woojin said as he adjusted himself in the back seat.

 

“ **Hi** ” The one who’s next the door said. “ **I’m Kang Daniel** ”

 

“ **Oh! You’re Korean too?** ”

 

“ **Yes I am, and this is Ha Sungwoon, he’s Korean too** ” Daniel smiled, but his friend didn’t. He was looking at his own hands continuously. Woojin wondered then looked away.

 

*   *   *

 

In a small café inside a narrow alley, the four of them were sitting around a table in the corner. Woojin stared at the hot chocolate that Sungwoon was drinking and then at his own black coffee. He had never been addicted to coffees before, but now he couldn't spend a day without drinking at least 3 cups of coffee. They talked a little bit as Jaehwan told them how Woojin replied to Jihoon.

 

“ **You should be careful the next time,** ” Daniel said and took a sip of the latte he was holding. Woojin looked at him. “ **I mean the way you responded to that guy, Park Jihoon.** ”

 

“ **Of whom exactly should I be careful? Park Jihoon or Richard Blake?** ” Woojin asked coldly and sipped his coffee. Daniel smiled and said: “ **Both!** ”

 

“ **He’s dangerous!** ” Sungwoon told Woojin. “ **I’ve heard that many people have been attacked by him. He’s such a Mafia thing.** ”

 

Daniel burst into loud laughter. They all wondered because what Sungwoon said wasn’t funny at all. “ **He believes the silly rumours easily.** ”

 

Woojin watched Sungwoon biting his lower lip, staring back at his hot chocolate, looking angry, then he asked Jaehwan, “ **Seriously, why is he taking Psychology of Suicide for the fourth time? Do you know the reason?** ”

 

“ **I don’t actually know, but many students say he’s so obsessed with suicide since his mother killed herself when he was a little kid.** ”

 

Woojin choked on his coffee and set the cup back on the sill.

They all looked at him. His heart was pounding as the memories of his twin sister flashed through his mind.

 

“ **Are you okay!!** ” Daniel asked.

 

“ **Y…yeah. But… Are you sure?** ” He asked Jaehwan.

 

“ **I don’t know; rumors are still rumors.** ”

 

Woojin looked pale. “ **Sorry… Am… I was just surprised by hearing that.** ”

 

Something about Park Jihoon was attracting him. Was it the mysterious aura around him? Or the small link that was now connected him to his twin sister? He didn’t know the answers, but all he knew was that he wanted to get to know him more.

 

“ **I need to go** ” Sungwoon stood up.

“ **Where?** ” Daniel asked.

“ **There is some work that needs to be done** ” He put down his hot chocolate.

“ **Don’t be late on the next class. You know it’s been already paid for it** ” Daniel smirked, and Woojin saw that Sungwoon didn’t like it. He lifted his bag off the chair. And then left.

 

…

 

Sungwoon entered the dance club that he had joined a few days ago. He greeted the girl at the reception and went inside. Hearing notification sound on his cell phone, he reached into his pocket. The text message was from [Seung Yeon].

 

[ **I know you two don’t get along, but things are going to be better if you both just try to know each other. I thought before that if you both stay far from each other; things will be ok, but no it’s not. I am sorry that you had to hear the news from Daniel.** ]

 

Sungwoon tightened his grip on the cell phone and wished he could smack it on the floor, but he breathed instead.

 

The dancing hall was empty, and he was relieved because of that. After putting the bag down, he went to open the speakers and started dancing.

 

Dancing was the best thing he could do, but his career ended up to be something different, which was studying Business that Daniel’s father persuaded him to do, solely because he was a businessman and wanted them to follow his steps and perhaps continue managing his business after him. However, that wasn’t bad, Sungwoon still appreciated everything happened to him. He would never find a chance to study anything, but Daniel’s father gave him that chance.

 

Suddenly music went off. Sungwoon turned and found Jihoon standing there. “Such a bad song, but your dancing is perfect.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Sungwoon asked angrily. 

“I think I am the one who should ask you this question” He walked toward Sungwoon, hands inside his pocket. 

“And why is that?” Sungwoon was confused.

“Because it’s my dancing club,” Jihoon said.

Sungwoon’s eyes widened. He couldn’t help feeling irritated by that. “If I knew I wouldn’t be here.”

“Why? I’m actually glad that such a good dancer has joined our Dancing club.”

Sungwoon didn’t respond to that and lifted his things from the ground.

“So, that’s it? you wanna leave?” Jihoon asked. And Sungwoon turned to him, “ **You know I am Korean so why do you speak English with me?** ” He said. _In Korean_.

Jihoon smiled, but the other could sense that he got on his nerves. “Haven’t they taught you that you should keep speaking English with native people until you master the language?”

Sungwoon laughed ironically. “ **Look Park Jihoon… whether you like it or not having an American mother doesn’t give you the right to deny where you came from** ” He breathed deeply; finally, he said it.

Jihoon approached him slowly. There wasn’t any expression on his face that Sungwoon couldn’t even tell whether he was annoyed by what he said or not. Despite his pounding heart, he wasn’t scared. No matter what others were telling him about this guy.

“What’s wrong?” Jihoon asked.

“What?” Sungwoon was confused.

“You look nervous” Jihoon coldly said, as if nothing had just happened. Like he wasn’t so close to the other, making him nervous.

“I… will leave” Sungwoon tried to walk, but the other blocked his way. “I can’t leave you,” Jihoon told him.

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t lose such a good dancer. What if I offered you a dance trainer job?” Jihoon smiled. “Would you agree?” Confidently, he extended his hand to shake the shorter.

Sungwoon looked at Jihoon’s hand. _Dancing? And a job?_ That was what he precisely needed right now. However, who was in front of him, offering a job was the guy that every one which should be afraid of. “So, do you need to think?” Jihoon asked.

“No, I don’t” Sungwoon answered, looking at Jihoon’s eyes. “I agree” He lifted his hand and shook him. Jihoon was surprised by that. “I didn’t see that coming to be honest, but I am happy that you agreed to work with us. You can start tomorrow I’ll let Katie fill the information of yours into the contract, so you just need to sign it in the way out.

Jihoon told him then he walked out. Sungwoon put his stuff back at the ground and walked to open the speaker again.

 

He knew he was risking everything to work with someone like Jihoon, but Sungwoon needed that job so he could stay far away from Daniel, he needed to make money so he could pay by himself without anyone helping him, especially Seung Yeon, Daniel’s father.

 

If he had the choice, he would never come to the USA. He would instead study music in Seoul, but how could he say no to Seung Yeon? The one who pulled him out of the darkness. The one who saved him from the orphanage. Ha Sungwoon would never forget his favour.

 

Much time was lost owing to the fatigue of the dancing and overthinking, so he stopped and sat down. Never mind the fact that being late to lectures would cause him troubles.

 

His phone rang, and he smiled because the first problem came faster than he thought. Yet, he closed his eyes as the memories and thoughts started playing like home videos.

 

He lost his parents at the age of 3, and then he had to live the rest of his early life in an orphanage and 5 months later of being officially twelve, someone came and took him. The news was like a light at the end of a dark cave.

 

August ninth, two thousand and six, he would never forget this date. It was the day the sun shone, like an entirely new birthday. Sungwoon was still celebrating it.

 

He would never forget the look on Daniel’s face when he entered the home for the first time. Indeed, Sungwoon was happy there was a kid who’s younger than him that could be his friend, which was exciting until that kid yelled. “ **Go bring mom instead of bringing another kid Dad!** ” He was mad, and it was a surprise because he thought he would have a friend, not an enemy!

 

It’s not like he was adopted. That was hard although Seung Yeon thought about it because they discovered that his father wasn’t dead as they thought before and the adopting thing couldn’t settle since they couldn’t find him to sign the papers.

Daniel’s father’s company was the main donator for the orphanage. He used to visit it a lot that he met Sungwoon and decided to take him after Daniel’s mother died in an accident. He wanted his son to get to know the kid who loved dancing as much as his son did. Yet things got complicated since ever.

 

Sungwoon's thoughts were interrupted when the phone rang again. He checked it, and it was Daniel, he must be mad as hell because he skipped the second class.

A text popped up, worsening his mood.

[ **Don’t waste this poor old man’s money and get back now! If you don’t! book a fly then to Seoul!** ] Sungwoon bit his lower lip and smacked his fist on the floor. He should find a way to get rid of Daniel. He still respected Seung Yeon, but his son was too much, even though he appreciated all the years Seung Yeon tried to make them far away from each other. Different schools, rooms, and everything just to make both of them satisfied.

However why now? Why was he trying to get them so close? Same university! Same courses! And same apartment.

Questions were hard to answer, they wandered inside his mind for an hour without getting solved.

 

Sungwoon walked out of the dancing club after signing the contract.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is ch2 I wish you like it.
> 
> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch3:

  
Within the darkness of the night, in a place that wasn't strictly an abandoned building, Jihoon found himself lying on the ground. He went to move, but something prevented him. He tried again, and during those fail attempts to get up, a familiar old man was coming toward him, he couldn’t recognize the man’s face, but he felt he was familiar.

A sudden sound of footsteps attracted Jihoon’s attention, and he turned his head. It was a woman, holding a gun. She lifted her hand as slowly as she walked and put the gun toward him. His heart pounded hard, and his breath tightened. He tried to get up again but couldn’t. He opened his mouth to speak, but his voice came out so faint. “M…mom” He finally managed to call the woman. However, she seemed that she couldn’t hear him, she put the gun on her head and pulled the trigger, then before he could say or do anything she shot her head.

“MOM!” He yelled, and it was very late.

Jihoon woke up inside his room. His eyes fluttered open, but all he could see was darkness. He took seconds to realize that it was just a nightmare and it was over. He got up on the bed and held his chest. His heart was still biting painfully, in a way that he just couldn’t take it.

For the past years, he had kept seeing the same nightmare over and over again, and he wanted it to stop, but it didn’t. He opened the light next to him and looked at the painting of a blackbird in front of him.

Few minutes have passed, and he was still staring.

To his surprise, an old song started playing inside his head, _‘Why you wanna fly Blackbird You ain't ever gonna fly…’_

He wished it would stop and even though the voice that he heard inside his head was beautiful, his eyes burned with unshed tears as he lifted his hands and covered his ears. Despite that, the song continued playing.

 _‘No place big enough for holding, All the tears you're gonna cry Cause your mama's name was lonely, and your daddy's name was_ pain _, and he called you little sorrow cause you'll never love again.’_

  
* * *

An annoying pounding voice was coming from somewhere. Jihoon’s eyes were closed so he just couldn’t locate it. The sound was getting loud and louder until he thought that it was another dream. Only a few minutes before he realized the pounding noise was someone knocking at the door, then he remembered that the bell of his apartment wasn’t working.

With all of these thoughts wandering his mind, his eyes were still closed. He pulled his phone and opened his left eye and hardly typed Jinyoung then pressed the call button.

Seconds until Jinyoung answered. “Hey! Where are you! open the door.”

“I’m calling you because of this. Stop knocking, I want to sleep just go” Jihoon muttered under his blanket and hung up the phone. Jinyoung continued knocking for one minute then Jihoon decided to get up and opened the door.

Jinyoung was holding a Pizza box, wearing the delivery pizza uniform. “Look, I got you this!” He said and stepped inside. “Pizza?” A creepy smile was on his face.

“Ugh Jinyoung, just stop bringing that pizza,” Jihoon said and walked to the coffee machine, he put the mug and pressed the espresso button.

“PLEASE PLEASE look I am begging you. Save my life like you always do PLEASE!” Jinyoung was still holding the pizza box.

“You’re late again. Huh?” Jihoon took his mug and leaned his back on the counter.

“Yes late and that fucking stupid guy didn’t pay for it even when I was just late by 5 minutes! The manager would probably fire me now if I come with this!” Jinyoung would never stop asking Jihoon for paying these late pizza boxes.

“I am just wondering, what the hell that I did to have you sticking around me kid!” Jihoon said and walked to his wallet.

“You must be a lucky guy,” Jinyoung said, and the creepy smile was still on his face. Jihoon threw him the wallet. “Don’t smile like that it’s horrible, and take a hundred bucks for the next pizza boxes and don't bring them! Seriously who is the hell ordering pizza in the morning?” Jihoon spoke, walking back to his bed after sipping a bit from the coffee he was holding.

“Thanks, bro!” Jinyoung said, “And it’s not morning anymore, you know” He sat and started eating a slice of pizza. Then he remembered something. He got up and walked into Jihoon’s bedroom. “Hey, I heard that you haired a new dancer,” Jinyoung said then took another bite of the pizza as a string of the cheese fell to the floor.

Jihoon watched him as Jinyoung ran to get a towel to clean the mess he made and then come back. He wiped the floor because he knew how much Jihoon hates dirtiness.

“Yes. It is true” Jihoon answered after Jinyoung threw the towel inside. “And now get the fuck out of my room Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung walked out of the room because Jihoon’s anger wasn’t a joke!

  
* * *

  
Most mornings Woojin would play computer games for an hour, or drink his hot black coffee while reading some psychology books in peace until his next schedule, but that morning he found an urgent email from Dean Richard Blake had been sent late last night. [I need you to come to my office in the morning.] And that was It. Which was odd!

Why would the dean need him? Was it about what he told Jihoon in class? It was just impossible! This isn’t an elementary school! Woojin was very worried.

 _‘Then what did Richard wants?’_ The same question, following by impossible answers have been wandering inside his mind, and still, he couldn’t have any logical reason.

Taking a deep breath, Woojin knocked at the door and waited.

“Come in” Said Richard. He opened the door and stepped in. “Hello,” Woojin said then walked toward Richard’s desk. The latter stood up, smiling and shook him.

“Have a seat Park Woojin. It’s all right if I call you Woojin?”

Woojin nodded, “Yes sure please” He sat on the chair.

“Can I offer you something to drink?” Richard held his phone.

“No thank you. I’m good.”

The dean nodded to him and left his hand off the phone. “You’re probably wondering why I called you here,” He said with a smile.

“Yes, I hope that I haven’t caused offense in some way…” Richard cut him off with a wave of his hand.

“Not to worry Woojin. I’ve been reading your statement of purpose since the day you’ve applied in this college and let me say, I am really impressed.” Richard began, and despite being still worried, Woojin smiled to him.

“I am really sorry about your sister Woojin.”

“Thank you” His lips held a faint smile.

“What I want to talk you about is that I need you to be David’s assistance as a counselor here in this college for the short period that David will be gone.”

Woojin’s eyes grew large. He was surprised. “Really?” This would be an incredible chance for his career.

“Not officially, but I want you to help someone” Richard began to explain, “As I told you I am impressed with your application and the story that you’ve written, I mean about what happened to your sister and your future’s goals, and I think since you have worked before as a counselor assistant in a high school, which is very impressive. I think you might be the one who can help my nephew.”

“What?” His heart thumped hard against his ribcage. “Your nephew?”

“Yes. His name is Park Jihoon. What do you think?” Richard asked his focus still on Woojin. “You can consider it as a counseling training.”

Woojin lost his focus for seconds as scenarios started running in his mind, imagining Jihoon’s reaction and the whole thing that might occur between them. “I can’t... I mean I am sorry but I just can’t.”

 _How would he deal with this?_ Woojin thought and shook his head.

“I know you think it’s impossible Woojin. And I guess you’ve heard already about Jihoon and his weird, horrible character, but I didn’t think you would give up this easily! I thought that would be a challenge for you. Haven’t you written that you wish you could help people in need…”

“Yes!” Woojin interrupted. “People who think about suicide and your nephew isn’t one of them!”

He felt angry, and he couldn’t figure why. Perhaps because of Jihoon’s comments about suicide or his aggressive and arrogant attitude in that class. He didn’t really know the reason he’s mad.

“How do you know? Besides, if you really want to be a counselor as you wish, then you should be able to help all kinds of people!”

“True” Woojin looked a bit nervous, and he could feel that. “You’re right, but Jihoon doesn’t seem he needs help!”

“How did you come up with this conclusion without testing his situation?”

Woojin didn’t answer.

“Look! You both have lost someone you really love, the same horrible way. You both suffered, but you positively took that suffering and then you had a goal to achieve. However, Jihoon is doing just the opposite thing. He had been arrested many times for attacking people!”

Woojin stared at him, too surprised to respond immediately.

“I am not forcing you I just think that you might be the one who understands him the most, I am giving you an opportunity to save someone! And if you’re not comfortable with that, I will still understand. But I will be disappointed too.”

“Why haven't you taken him for a professional psychotherapist?”

“I have already done that, but he wouldn’t admit he needs help. Plus, you’re Korean, and many therapists have suggested that it would be much better if the therapist can speak Jihoon’s mother language, which I could find actually; however, Jihoon refused to go. So I decided not to force him. Anyway, I am not asking you to get him a therapy I would be so glad if Jihoon could just tell you his story at least as a friend?”

“What story do you mean?” Woojin asked, trying to follow whatever Richard was trying to say.

“What I mean is that he had been through two different horrible accidents which affected him so badly and he never talked about it which was ok until we realized that he was convinced he never lived any of them.”

Woojin was shocked hearing that.

“Woojin, he even doesn’t admit he is Korean, he lived there for almost 10 years and still doesn’t admit it. He doesn’t even admit he had issues, he still thinks people around him are the ones who have these issues for just thinking of this.”

The latter was quiet for a moment, grappling with emotions that kept clouding his judgment. “But I… I don’t understand! What did happen to him? Is it only because he lost his mother?”

“I told you the general information that everyone knows already. Yet, the private one is your task. If you could persuade him as a friend or as assistance to tell you everything, then that would be great! Which means he accepts to get help. Otherwise, you can quite.”

Richard watched him thinking it through. “So I only take David’s place in his office then what? How will Jihoon come to me? You said he refused to go to the Korean therapists.”

“In fact, after the last attack that Jihoon had committed I forced him to attend short sessions with David and to be honest he isn’t corroborating, but at least he goes there, so I need you to continue doing these sessions until David comes back. So I will just tell him it's temporary”

“What am I exactly going to do?”

“Nothing much if you could just let him talk. Actually, here comes the important information.” Richard said as he hit the desk lightly with both hands. “Jihoon sometimes has temper tantrums, which is why he attacked so many people before, but the antidepressant he’s taking right now helps him control it.”

Woojin’s eyes widened, “And… if he stops the antidepressant that would lead him to have these temper tantrums again…” He finished Richard sentence.

“Exactly. That was after the horrible accident that he experienced when he was little. However, Doctors said if he could just talk it out, that would lead to a great result in his treatment.”

Woojin’s heart squeezed in pain. He wanted to know what happened to him but he also knew he would never know and this whole session would absolutely fail. “What if he didn’t talk?” 

“Actually, I am not positive about it. But I won’t lose any chance in getting him back.”

  
* * *

  
On Thursday night, Daniel came out of the toilet and found Sungwoon standing there. It had been a week since the last time he saw him inside the apartment; however, he made no move to call.

Sungwoon handed out an amount of money.

“ **What is this?** ” Daniel asked, cleaning his hands with a towel.

“ **It’s two hundred bucks for keeping your mouth shut, and it’s just for now, I’ll keep giving you such amounts for staying here until I find another apartment.** ”

Daniel looked surprised a bit, and then he shook his head with a scoff. “ **You can’t escape like that Sungwoon.** ” He said then walked passed him.

The latter tried to hold his anger and walked right after him. “ **Escape? What exactly do you mean by escape?** ”

Daniel halted and turned to him. “ **What I mean is that the old man had done everything he could to get us together and you just want to go find another apartment! Really?** ”

But before Sungwoon could reply, Daniel interrupted “ **Wait for a second! From where did you get that money? Have you been selling your ass inside America’s gays night clubs too?** ” Daniel asked with a mocking voice.

Sungwoon suddenly grabbed his collar, “ **FUCK YOU DANIEL!** ” he shouted then closed his fist and raised his arm, ready to hit him on the face.

Unintentionally Daniel’s eyes closed. Sungwoon halted and breathed in hard. The other opened his eyes not believing what just happened. Sungwoon clenched his teeth, and his anger had turned into rage as he grabbed his collar tight, “ **You’re pathetic Daniel. You just don't dare to admit to yourself that you’re gay, so you are still trying to make me feel guilty because you do.** ” Sungwoon said and studied his face with mocking eyes, and his mouth twisted into a humorless smile. “ **And what makes you more pathetic is that even when we already became adults, you’re still trying to make me feel unwanted just because you feel that yourself.** ”

Daniel stared at him, apparently shocked by Sungwoon’s own violence. This was the first time he spoke to him like that. It was the first time ever he was about to hit him.

Sungwoon eased his grip and threw the money in the other’s face.

As the door slammed behind Daniel, an old memory flashed through his mind. It was 6 years ago. He was in high school by then, when one of his friends told him that Sungwoon is gay and dating someone. Even though he already knew that he felt jealous because Sungwoon can date whoever he wants, and he couldn’t even just admit to the world that he was gay too. Not even to himself.

Such a storm of feelings, thoughts, and childish memories suddenly arose within him that he couldn’t stay on his feet. He slowly sat upright, letting memories wiggling their way out of the mud of his mind.

Sungwoon was so popular in his school and was such a confident guy. He remembered that he fell for him so quickly and never had confessed.

At that time, he told his father that Sungwoon is gay. He told him everything in front of the latter.

Daniel distinctly remembered how mad the latter had gotten but never said anything to him.

Now he could admit to himself that he felt jealous and wanted to end that relationship that Sungwoon had.

And now he could only admit he’s gay and still in love with Sungwoon.

But, he would never confess, and then, as always, he would ignore these feelings again, and he would act as nothing happened.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for leaving kudos. 
> 
> I wish you could leave comments too because I would like to know what you all think about what I wrote T^T


	4. Chapter 4

CH4:

 

It had been a week since the last time Woojin spoke to Richard Blake. He still hadn’t decided yet. He just couldn’t have imagined himself as therapist assistance inside this university, and absolutely not as a friend too for Park Jihoon.

The fact that this might be the only way to fulfill his goal pissed him off even more.

Woojin shut his eyes, rubbed his forehead as if to rid himself of all the thoughts that were wandering his mind. He then remembered Jiwoo, and what brought him here in the first place. He would never let some guy like Jihoon ruin everything. He should pass this challenge. Even when he was already convinced that Jihoon doesn’t need help.

His phone rang and drew his attention. “ **Yes Jaehwan** ” He answered. “ **HELLO, WOOJIN?** ” loud music was blaring in the background of his friend, and he could barely hear him. “ **Hey, where are you?** ”

“ **WHAT?! WAIT FOR A SECOND!”** A minute later the music’s sound suddenly went down, and he was grateful.

“ **Look we’re in BB’s night club come over ok?** ”

Woojin didn’t even think it through, “ **Okay send me the location,** ” He told him and then hung up.

The thinking was taking over him, and he couldn’t stop it.

There was no better solution other than doing some activities.

And a night club was absolutely the best.

 

* * *

 

It was slightly after 11 when Woojin parked in the assigned spot and emerged from the car, not believing he was really walking towards a nightclub.

It had been a long time since he entered one, and now he truly hated them, because it reminded him of the old person he was; yet, he knew he needed to go out with people so he could stop overthinking.

Woojin stepped in after the man checked his ID card. He looked for Jaehwan until he found him with Daniel at the corner. “ **What is the secret of these corner tables guys,** ” He said with a note of laughter in his voice.

“ **Jaehwan chose it, he said we can see the stage clearly from here,** ” Daniel told him.

“ **Why? What show are we going to see?** ” He asked as he positioned himself on the chair.

“ **I called you here so you can see Jihoon’s show.** ”

“ **What?** ” Woojin’s heart skipped a few beats and then thundered. “ **W…what show?** ”

“ **Oh!... Should I have told you first? Because I thought you would like to see his show** ” Jaehwan was worried because he apparently could see Woojin’s shocked expression.  
“ **For me, I would really love to see it,** ” Daniel said and crossed one leg over the other knee at the ankle.

Woojin looked over the stage, still shocked.

“ **Then… there is another thing that I have to tell you guys** ” Jaehwan began, and they both turned to him. “ **This night-club actually belongs to him.** ”

“ **ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?** ” Woojin looked sternly at him, and an expression of anger suddenly came over his face.

“ **Let’s just chill and have fun guys,** ” Daniel said and drank some vodka.

" **I...I am sorry?** " Jaehwan muttered to Woojin, trying to calm him down.

 

Despite Woojin's irritation about the fact that he’s in Jihoon’s club, he felt a bit of curiosity to see what show he’s going to have. Maybe fate led him here, and after this night he would perhaps decide whether to agree to what Richard had offered or not.

_perhaps..._

After some time, lights suddenly have gone dim, and a white flash was directed on the stage. Everyone was looking at one spot, waiting for the moment Jihoon shows up. Music started, and then a guy appeared. There was a mask on his face, and although it was clear that he wasn’t Jihoon. Woojin still needed a clarify. He turned to Jaehwan, however, the latter was quick and answered him, “ **That’s not Jihoon!** ”

“ **Sungwoon…** ” Daniel muttered, staring at the masked guy.

“ **What?** ” They both asked, looking at Daniel. He couldn’t take his eyes off the dancing man.

The way he danced has always amazed him. He could feel his heart pounding hard.

It’s been a really long time since he saw him dancing. He had been spying on him for so long, and then he stopped doing that when they were separated. Now since they are here, together, along with the fact that Sungwoon was in front of him dancing, made his breath came quickly.

“ **WOW… I didn’t know he dances! He looks professional!** ” Jaehwan shouted to be heard over the music.

“ **Yeah I know, right?** ” Woojin shouted back. 

They were waiting for the third man to answer them or say something, but he didn’t.

Woojin's heart squeezed in pain from the fact that dancing isn't what he does anymore. He remembered all the wishes he had when he was younger and then solely smiled.

The screaming from the audience was rising up at every big step Sungwoon did. But he tried to ignore the stares he received and danced as if he was alone. He didn’t know that Daniel was here watching him and perhaps if he did he would stop.

Daniel was still shocked. He couldn’t process this situation. _HOW IS THE HELL SUNGWOON DANCING IN JIHOON’S NIGHTCLUB?_ He felt anger, irritation, and confusion. However, aside from all these feelings he was yet amazed by the way Sungwoon danced.

Everyone began clapping and shouting with all their might, Sungwoon smiled and bowed to all sides. Jaehwan then shouted: “ **GOOD JOB SUNGWOON.** ”

And that was it… The moment he caught Daniel’s eyes.

  
…

 

“That was impressive Sungwoon” Jihoon clapped his hands together as he walked towards the room.

Sungwoon didn’t answer and continued wiping the sweat from his face with a towel.

“I knew it would be such a great idea to put you out there and show a different kind of dance.” Jihoon walked around. “That was brilliant.”

“Yeah great!” Sungwoon snarled. “Are you the one who invited Daniel and the others?”

“What do you mean?”

Sungwoon sniffed, “Don’t act like you don’t know anything!” he threw the towel. “You invited Daniel.”

“No”

“You’re lying!” He snapped.

“What the heck are you talking about?”

Sungwoon noticed from his tone that he was telling the truth and didn’t say anything, he left the towel from the ground. “Where is the money you promised to give after this performance.”

Jihoon pulled out an envelope and handed it to Sungwoon. “Now tell me. Who are the others?” He asked in a severe tone.

“Jaehwan and Woojin,” He told him and tucked the envelope inside his pocket. “You probably know them.”

_Woojin?_ Jihoon thought for a second and then rubbed his hands together. “Yeah, I know them” He licked his lower lip, spreading a smirk and walked out of the room.

 

…

 

Daniel was tapping his feet on the floor, still trying to understand how could that happened. While thinking, Jihoon approached them. “I am really honored to see you guys all at my nightclub,” He said as he looked only at Woojin.

The latter was looking at him too.

“How could Sungwoon dances here?” Daniel asked, and both of their gazes returned to him.

“He’s talented,” Jihoon said, hands in his pocket. He then beckoned the waiter to come over. “Also… He’s one of the trainers in my club.”

Daniel was shocked.

The waiter came, Jihoon looked at him and said “This table is on me” The waiter then nodded and left.

“Where is he?” Daniel asked.

“No one is allowed to see the club’s dancers,” Jihoon told him coldly.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He got up.

“This is the club’s rule. If you need to talk to him use your phone” Jihoon said and gave Woojin a smirk and then walked away.

“ **WHAT THE FUCK?** ” Daniel looked at both of them to get an answer, but no one said anything.

“ **I am gonna leave,** ” Woojin told them and walked away too.

Daniel looked at Jaehwan. “ **I need to see Sungwoon.** ”

 

…

 

The night club now was packed with drunk people, dancing, talking and making out. It was hard for Woojin to get passed them. Alcohol’s smell was all over the place along with loud music that entirely wasn’t Woojin’s taste.

He approached the door, and when he was about to step out, he stopped when he heard Jihoon’s voice, as he talked to someone outside. He stepped back a little bit so the latter won’t see him.

A strange guy was hugging Jihoon, “I missed your performance, didn't I?” The guy said and Jihoon pushed him away just a little bit, yet he didn’t seem to bother like he was already used to it.

“I didn’t perform today,” Jihoon told him. The guy ran a knuckle down Jihoon’s cheek. “What a loss that you didn’t but still, it’s a win for me.”

Jihoon held his collar and tugged him down for an aggressive kiss that startled Woojin. The latter froze and watched them with wide eyes.

“Look, Donghan…” Jihoon almost whispered against his lips, but it was loud enough for Woojin to hear. “I am not in the mood for a fuck tonight so go back home.”

Woojin’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t drink which meant he’s sober and he could exactly hear what Jihoon had just said. “Oh fuck,” The guy said, running his hands through his hair. “You’re really not in the mood, but you just kissed me so fucking hard that I thought for a second that you would have sex with me tonight.”

Woojin’s eyes widened in shock.

“Unfortunately I won’t,” Jihoon said and turned to go back to the night club. Woojin tried to go back as well, but he was late. “Woojin?”

“Y…yes?” Woojin looked at Jihoon, trying so hard to hide his confused, shocked expressions. “I…I’m leaving,” He said, but didn’t move. He had no idea why he told him that, but he wasn’t thinking straight. His eyes were focused at Jihoon’s red lips that were swollen after that aggressive kiss.

Jihoon seemed to notice, so he liked his lips and hummed in response to the nonsense that Woojin said, and that when the latter realized his eyes were looking at the wrong spot.

He didn’t wait for Jihoon to say anything and just left.

  
…

 

Daniel’s mind went crazy with thoughts and emotions. No matter how many times he called Sungwoon, the latter wouldn’t pick up. He then remembered when Jihoon said that Sungwoon is now a dancing trainer at his club, which meant he must be there. With the last thought on the mind, Daniel called Jaehwan, and after a few seconds of waiting at the line Jaehwan picked up. “Hello?”

“ **Hey…I am in a hurry. Please tell me where is Jihoon’s dancing club?** ”

“ **Hmmm... I am not sure, let me look at the address through google map, and I will send it to you now** ” Jaehwan said.

“ **That would be great. Thanks. I’ll wait** ” Daniel hung up first and then started tapping his fingers on the table as he watched his phone.

A text message popped up, and he didn’t wait and quickly got out.

As Daniel was approaching the dancing club, his chest was tightening, and he felt nervous because it just hit him. What was he gonna tell Sungwoon? To not work for Jihoon? Would the latter even agree to this? His hands felt clammy against the wheel when he parked in front of the club. He waited for moments before getting out of the car.

There was security standing in front of the dancing club gate. Daniel walked towards him and smiled. “The club is closed” The security was quick. “Am… I’m looking for Sungwoon. Do you know him?”

“Yes he’s inside, but I am not allowed to let anyone in.”

“I’m Daniel; his friend I just want to talk to him. He lives with me, and he isn’t answering his phone, so I am a bit worried. Would you please let me in for a minute?”

“I am afraid that’s impossible.”

“Look, I am begging you please… if you’re not sure just go ask him or talk to Jihoon,” Daniel told him.

The security thought for a moment then let out a sigh, pulling his phone out of his pocket and called Jihoon.

“I am sorry Jihoon for bothering you at this time, but here is someone who calls Daniel wants to see the dancing trainer Sungwoon.”

“Ugh...” Jihoon muttered, “Ok let him get in, he wouldn’t go. But tell him only for 5 minutes.”

The security said, “Ok. Have a good night Jihoon” and hung up. “You only have 5 minutes, so be quick.”

 

…

 

The dancing room was dim. Daniel wandered his eyes through it for a few seconds until he spotted someone lying on the floor against the mirror. He quickly realized that the person was Sungwoon and approached him.

Sungwoon was deeply sleeping, and despite the dim light, Daniel could see his face and how peaceful he looked. Sungwoon wasn’t covered with anything, and there was nothing on the floor except for his black bag that was under his head.

Daniel’s heart ached to see him like that, mainly because he knew that he was the main reason for which Sungwoon wouldn’t go back home, and also because of what happened between them back there. “ **Sungwoon** ” He whispered, but there was no move from the other, so he bent down on his knees. This time he didn’t call him and just focused his eyes on the sleeping guy for a period that might seem too long for anyone but him.

Ever since the day that he saw Sungwoon’s anger, and he just couldn’t control his feelings towards the latter anymore. Even though he knew exactly how to hide them before that. He was indeed doing it very well by then.

However, that day it felt like his emotions have finally exploded within him, particularly after he admitted to himself that he is in love with Ha Sungwoon or perhaps it’s because this was their first time to actually be together for a period that was much longer than they used to have when they were back in Seoul.

Though he really wanted to keep staring until the other wakes up by himself, he still had to wake him up so the security won’t come to get him out. And definitely, he wouldn’t go home alone.

“ **Sungwoon** ” He called again but with a bit louder voice that made the other finally wakes up.

Sungwoon opened his eyes and looked around for a while with a startled expression, unable to realize where he was. The presence of Daniel made him forget for a second that he slept in the dancing room. He got up in a sitting position “ **What are you doing here?** ”

“ **Let’s go home** ” Daniel stood up. His voice seemed bitter.

“ **I don’t want to go home. I will spend the night here. Just leave me alone!** ” Sungwoon told him and then laid down again.

A heavy sigh came out of Daniel. “ **Why did you work with Jihoon?** ”

“ **That’s none of your business.** ”

“ **It’s my business, and you know it** ” His voice came out tender unintentionally.

Sungwoon let out a scoff as he got up. “ **It’s not like I’m your brother or your friend or anything to you. And absolutely not your boyfriend too.** ”

_Boyfriend!_ Daniel’s heart skips a beat hearing that remark, and he could feel it; however, he needed to control his feelings, to stay cold, and to keep doing all the things he was doing whenever he saw Sungwoon. “ **Look,** ” He said coldly. “ **I don’t want to waste my time here so come with me Sungwoon we need to discuss the fact that you started working for Park Jihoon.** ”

“ **What are you talking about? What is there to discuss?** ”

“ **I don’t want you to work for him.** ”

“ **And why would you care?** ”

“ **He’s dangerous.** ”

“ **Why would you care?** ”

“ **He might hurt you.** ”

“ **WHY WOULD YOU CARE FOR GOD SAKE!** ” Sungwoon yelled, startling Daniel as he glared at his eyes.

Daniel halted there without saying anything. He just couldn’t tell him the truth, he wouldn’t do it, but he couldn’t come up with any reason either, so he just kept his mouth shut.

The security came in, drawing their attention to him, “ **The 5 minutes is over** ” He said.

Daniel nodded and followed him, but he then remembered that he just can’t let Sungwoon sleep here, so he looked at the latter again “ **Come sleep in the apartment. At least do this for my dad** ” He told him and left.

Daniel hated himself for being an asshole who couldn’t express his feelings well. He had always been like that. He hid behind aggressive attitudes and curled words, only to show to people that he’s strong even though he wasn’t. Yet, Sungwoon was the opposite, he’s indeed a good person and a strong one too.

At least he could express himself very well even though he lived a sad life that didn’t affect him in any way.

What Daniel actually liked about Sungwoon, was the fact that he always knew what he wanted and what he loved, since they were very young.

Yet the more he liked him, the more he intended to hurt him.

People would call that jealousy, but to him, it was an ambiguous feeling; however, they’re clear now.

He’s in so much love with the other, love that he wouldn't confess, love that would never be tied up within a relationship.

That, and also the fact he knew Sungwoon thinks he hates him; so he was fine with it, he wouldn’t change anything, and he would keep himself hiding under that cover forever.

_Yeah, he can do that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know my chapters are very short but I will, hopefully, start posting longer chapters, starting by chapter 5. 
> 
> Comments let me keep writing, so please leave a lot of them :(
> 
> Thank you again for those who left kudos, I really appreciate it. And also thanks for writing comments on Blackbird ^^
> 
> Thank you also for reading T^T


	5. Chapter 5

On Monday, there was Woojin, remained through the long hours of that day debating with himself what he should do. He had no idea what was the professor saying in the lecture he attended this morning, which wasn’t usual for him. His face was fading in and out of focus, and his thoughts kept drifting away.

Woojin wanted to say no, that he won’t do what Richard asked him for, but there was something deep down preventing him from refusing that offer. And yet, he didn’t say yes either. He wouldn’t lie to himself, he knew he’s attracted to Jihoon, and he also knew he’s so curious to see the story behind that guy. So, he might say yes.

In fact, he needed to say yes.

The second lecture had just finished. Woojin gathered his stuff and went to Richard’s office. He told the dean’s secretary that he needed to talk to Richard and she let him in after she took the permission.

“Hi, Woojin!” Richard got up welcoming him. They shook hands, and Woojin let himself sit on the chair.

“Am…” Woojin rolled his sleeves up nervously, “I just came to tell you that I will do it.”

“Oh! This is wonderful!” The dean told him, grinning cheerfully. “I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me Woojin.”

“Yeah…” His lips held a faint smile, and his eyes twinkled. “But when am I gonna start and how?”

“David is leaving tomorrow, and you can start by then, and just for a short period as we discussed before. I will hand you a schedule that fits yours so don’t worry about that. Here is the plan” Richard leaned forward and held his hands together. “You will come to the office only for one hour which will be exactly at the time Jihoon takes his break.”

Woojin narrowed his brow, confused, making Richard smiles. “Jihoon spends his break time attending these sessions” Richard leaned his back at the chair.

“I am afraid that it won’t work as you want.”

“This is your challenge Park Woojin” David got up, making Woojin realizes that the meeting was over, even when he didn’t quite understand what he should do yet.

Richard extended his hand to shake him, drawing him back to reality. Woojin shook his hands, still confused.

“I’m gonna hand you the schedule along with the office’s keys tomorrow. Which is the day you are going to start this volunteering job.”

Woojin nodded.

“Don’t disappoint me Park Woojin. I am counting on you.”

“I’ll try my best” He replied and then left, closing the door behind.

The dean left his phone off the table and put it to his ear. “What do you think David?”

“That guy seems lost Richard!”

“He’s my last hope, Jihoon won’t speak up and to be honest I don’t think he would ever do so. But Woojin is a competitive guy who had worked as a counselor before, and he really wants to help people so let us try him.”

“He worked as a school consoler for teenagers Richard! How could you hand him that responsibility? He just had his bachelor degree in General Psychology, and he doesn’t have much experience and, you know that no one could ever help Jihoon even the best doctors to which you bought him”

“Yeah that’s true, but they couldn’t because Jihoon didn’t want to be helped in the first place, besides he never spoke.”

“Then what makes you think he would do that now, what about his opinion? He won't go there, and won’t accept Woojin’s help either. You know that for sure Richard!”

“He will agree when I’m gonna tell him that Park Woojin took your place for his sessions. He needs to continue these sessions that he promised me too. Also perhaps he will be teased knowing that Woojin started the clinic he asked him for in Frank’s lecture. Actually, I got this idea when Frank told me what happened between them.”

“Oh god… Do you want to start a fight!” David’s tone was loud a bit.

“Do you remember when Doctor Rayan almost made him confess just by teasing him?”

“That almost ended very badly, Richard. Even Doctor Rayan admitted he made a mistake!”

“Not as bad as his life looks right now. He’s an adult who lives in a mess, and I keep letting him take that specific course because many questions wander his head, but he wouldn’t admit that.”

David remained silent on the phone, so Richard kept talking. “You know that he finished his bachelor and took a master in psychology just to find answers that satisfy him. That kid is still wondering why did his mother kill herself. Not to mention the awful thing that happened to him when he was very young. That is the main thing that broke him David, but of course, I didn’t tell Woojin about it.”

A heavy sigh came out of David because he knew all of this and still couldn’t help Jihoon, but he also knew that nobody was able to help him unless he wanted that and he didn't want it, and he might never want it.

“Jihoon can be teased sometimes, even though it’s hard but that might lead us somewhere. Yes, perhaps it won’t be a successful plan, but it’s the last chance. And I’m willing to take it.”

Finally, David opened his mouth and said, “But if I know Jihoon well, very likely, that won't be successful.”

…

Still confused, Woojin walked out of the dean’s building. Things on his mind didn’t feel right yet, and despite the fact he’s curious about Jihoon’s past, he knew it won’t work out as the dean wanted. Indeed, something deep down within him made him feel hesitated, something told him that this might end up very badly, and he didn’t want that to happen.

“I see you a lot these days…”

A voice dragged Woojin’s attention, and he saw Jihoon walking toward his direction. “Is that a good or bad luck?” Jihoon asked when he halted in front of him.

Woojin tucked his hands inside his pocket, ignoring a sweet smell that filled his senses “It depends on the way you look at things around you” His gaze remained steady.

Jihoon took a step forward, making their feet touched. They both looked down, and Woojin tensed but didn't move. Staring at their feet, Jihoon pushed his foot just a little bit more, making it settle between The latter’s feet. Woojin caught his breath, warmth crawling up his neck, and _yet_ he didn’t move.

Slowly, they lifted their heads up. With their faces inches apart, they assessed each other.

For the first time ever Woojin realized that Jihoon has very gorgeous eyes, and these long, black lashes were hypnotic that he lost count of the time they spent by just looking at each other.

Jihoon licked his lower lip, making Woojin’s stare pace from his eyes to his lips.

_He was doing that again!_

Woojin couldn’t understand what he meant by that. Or, perhaps he did, but he was just avoiding whatever Jihoon was implying.

“I think it’s good luck” Jihoon finally spoke in a whisper, and his face looked _goddamn_ seductive, Woojin thought.

Then, Jihoon walked past him toward the building as a satisfied smile spread across his face.

Woojin remained there for a whole minute or so, as thoughts spun around his head, preventing him from judging whatever had just happened.

…

Inside Richard’s office was Jihoon, flipping the pages of the book that was on the desk, waiting for Richard to end his phone call. He felt bored because that call took longer than he thought it would.

And he hated waiting.

Finally, he placed the book he was holding, then looked for another, and found an interesting one, whose title is (Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide). He opened the first page and started reading.

Here was when the dean finally said, “Have a good one” and then hung up.

“I didn’t know you’re interested in psychology,” Jihoon said, eyes were focused on the book.

“This is David’s book, not mine. He left it here the last time.”

Jihoon only hummed in response, eyes remained on the book.

“I’ve heard what happen in Frank’s lecture,” Richard said and waited for a reaction.

“Wow, that Frank doesn’t waste time, huh?” He didn’t look at Richard and only flipped the next page.

“This is true, he doesn’t, which I totally respect.”

“Yeah you do,” Jihoon said coldly and then opened the last page of the book and looked at it.

“This book seems interesting, read it someday and don’t just skip to the last part,” Richard told him.

Jihoon finally looked at him, “I would rather get to the main point than wasting my time on details, you know” He said and closed the book, putting it back on the desk.

Richard let out a sigh, “Anyway, did you see Woojin? He just went out of my room.”

“Yeah. What was he doing here?”

“He came to ask me for a volunteering job that can help him in this course” Richard was leaning forward, hands on his desk.

On the other side, Jihoon was resting his back against the chair carelessly.

“Oh really? And What did you tell him?” His tone was quiet, making Richard fails to notice any changing.

Richard, indeed, was already used to Jihoon’s cold expressions, which seemed weird considering his temper tantrums.

“I told him he could take David’s place until he comes back.”

Jihoon looked surprised for a moment and then raised an eyebrow. “And you’re telling me this because…?”

“I thought it would be really a good idea if he could handle your sessions…”

Jihoon cut him off with loud laughter. Yet Richard was serious. “I don’t even know what to comment on this”

“He’s good,” Richard told him, carefully. Because Jihoon’s reactions couldn’t be predicted.

“What makes you trust him anyway? Isn’t it a volunteering job?” Jihoon asked as he leaned forward.

For the first time ever, Richard could sense a slight of interest coming from the way Jihoon’s eyes sparkled. And he felt a little scared. Jihoon had never had any interest in anything before. Was he making a mistake! He thought.

“Hello?” a hand wave from Jihoon cut his thoughts off.

“Sorry, I’m a little bit tired today. Anyway, he had worked as a counselor before in a high school, and also was the top student of the year in which he graduated”

His nephew lifted both eyebrows. “That’s impressive. Okay then” He said, his voice was calm.

Richard was a bit surprised because he thought Jihoon would refuse. “You’re not just saying that for fun! Aren’t you?” He asked.

“No I am not, and even if I am joking, I’ve made you a promise that I would attend those sessions anyways as you know” He ran his hand through his hair, pushing it back. “Besides, it’s not like Woojin is doing something at all, all these sessions are about me expressing my feelings out, he’s not doing much, he would just sit and listen” Jihoon added.

“True…” Richard mouthed, scarcely believing his ears and still scared, but this time a little bit more.

“So... Are we starting tomorrow?” Jihoon asked, getting up.

The dean nodded. He then looked at Jihoon in his eyes. “I trust you.”

At this sentence, Jihoon only smiled and then left the room.

…

It was almost 3PM when Sungwoon and Daniel walked out of a class they had together. They haven’t spoken yet, but what assured Daniel was the fact that Sungwoon came back home that night.

As they were walking next to each other in complete silence, Sungwoon felt the beginnings of a headache creep along the base of his neck, he groaned in a faint voice touching his head. The taller turned to him a bit concerned but quickly decided to look straight again. When they walked out of the building, Sungwoon changed his path to the left side. “ **Hey** ” Daniel called, and the shorter looked at him. “ **What?** ”

“ **Are you going to Jihoon’s dancing club?** ”

“ **Yes,** ” Sungwoon gave a daring gaze.

“ **So you haven’t changed your mind yet?** ” He asked, walking toward Sungwoon.

The latter gave a mocking smile and approached him. “ **Look at me, Kang Daniel!** ” Sungwoon said with a stern tone. He was so close that their eyes met for a moment, sending shivers through the other. “ **I… WILL…NEVER… CHANGE… MY MIND** ”

Daniel directly gazed into his eyes without saying anything in return, resisting a strong urge to close the distance between their faces into a kiss which he fascinated many times before. “ **Okay…** ” He managed to say with a smile that Sungwoon couldn’t read. “ **I will go with you.** ”

“ **What?** ” Sungwoon was confused.

“ **You heard me,** ” Daniel said and walked toward the path Sungwoon was aiming. The latter followed him. “ **Why are you doing this?** ” The shorter asked, with anger in his voice.

He couldn’t understand Daniel’s recent behaviors. The latter had never been like this before. In fact, they rarely met, but the moment they came here in New York everything changed, and he no longer could understand Daniel’s feelings towards him.

For the past years, he was sure that Daniel hated him, but these last demeanors that came from the other were… _strange!_ “ **You’re in love with me…Aren’t you?** ” Sungwoon asked.

Daniel’s eyes cracked open for a split of a second, He then gave a startled laugh and continued walking. Yet, his heart pounded wildly that he couldn’t provide any proper answer. _Was he obvious?_ “ **What a confidence that you have!** ” His voice was controlled, and he was thankful for that.

Sungwoon indeed didn’t think that Daniel loved him, but he wanted to provoke him so he might change his mind. He believed that all that Daniel wanted was to get him on his nerves and yeah, so far he was doing that very well.

“ **You were so jealous of me when you were a little kid…** ”

Daniel stopped, surprised.

“ **But I’ve never thought even for a second that you would grow up having the same emotions,** ” He said, and the latter turned to him.

“ **You wish,** ” Daniel told him.

“ **Now you either jealous or in love with me** ” Sungwoon quickly responded to him. He was sure that Daniel wasn’t in love and even hated his guts, but he wanted to stick with this phrase until the latter gets tired of him. And perhaps leave.

“ **I am not…** ” Daniel said. His voice trembled a little bit and he found it hard to continue, wishing that Sungwoon wouldn’t spot the difference.

A smirk appeared on Sungwoon’s face. “ **Well… in both cases, I fucking hate you, Daniel.** ”

Daniel’s eyes widened as Sungwoon’s response sent a painful flush into his neck.

He froze and solely watched Sungwoon walking passed him. His mind couldn’t process what he heard adequately. It wasn’t like he didn’t already know that, but hearing that word coming out from the one he loved so much, made him feel an aching prick at his heart.

On the other side, Sungwoon felt a weight on his chest, and he couldn’t breathe. Saying I hate you was harder than he thought. And _Damnit!_ He wouldn’t forget how Daniel’s expressions changed. He indeed regretted it the moment it came out of his mouth. Mainly because his feelings were just the opposite.

Sungwoon hated himself for that, he had always hated himself for falling for Daniel. All those past years he had spent them hooking up with boys so he could take Daniel out of his mind.

Yet, none of them worked.

…

Sungwoon was feeling tired already when he got inside the dance club.

Dancing was his escape from everything that kept him tense and depressed. While walking inside the building, he heard voices coming from the practice room which made him wonder.

The moment he stepped in. Jihoon and two other men looked at him. “Finally he came,” Jihoon said. The man who seemed in his late forties smiled. “Our dancer is here” He approached Sungwoon who looked completely confused, looking at Jihoon for an answer.

“This is Hyunsuk, my partner in both the dancing club and the night club,” He told him, and the man extended his hand to shake him. “Nice to meet you,” He said, and Sungwoon nodded. “I was really impressed seeing your dance at the night club.”

Sungwoon bowed, “Thank you” He smiled.

“We had so many dancers there, but your dance was…” The man halted for a moment to look for a certain word, “Exceptional?”

“Thank you…” Sungwoon said again.

“Unfortunately I didn’t see your dance” The guy next to Jihoon said.

“This is Donghan, Hyunsuk’s son” Jihoon introduced him. Sungwoon smiled at him and was still confused. “But surely you will perform again” Donghan added.

“Yeah of course,” Jihoon said. “Yet I think he’s gonna steal my audience and they won’t need my performance ever again.”

All of them laughed as Sungwoon gave another look at Hyunsuk. Something was off about this man that made him feel uncomfortable. His heart tightened, and for a moment he regretted that he got himself into this.

“Will you consider being an official dancer for the night club?” Hyunsuk asked Sungwoon who looked surprised for a moment. “We will pay you a double what you had gotten from Jihoon.”

“Am mm” He didn’t know what to say. The offer seemed really attractive, and it was what he really wanted. “I…I’ll think about it.”

“That’s great then…” Hyunsuk clapped his hands together then turned to Jihoon, “I’ll leave now and tell me if he agreed to this”

Jihoon nodded, and they all watched Hyunsuk as he walked out of the room.

Sungwoon turned his head to Jihoon, and he was about to say something, but he was startled when Donghan took Jihoon into a kiss. He turned his face and didn’t know what to do for a few seconds.

“Sungwoon” Jihoon called when they stopped the kiss.

“Y…yeah?”

“Haven’t you seen two guys kissing?” Jihoon asked making Donghan laugh.

“I did, I just…” Sungwoon began, but was cut off by Donghan, “He was kidding, anyway I am sorry I just couldn’t wait for more to kiss him” He told Sungwoon while looking at Jihoon, and the latter solely smiled.

He was nervous a little bit with no good reason. It wasn’t like he was surprised. He already had heard so many stories about Park Jihoon’s hookups and gayness. However, there was that little thing that still bothered him the moment he saw Donghan and his father. “Ok, then,” Jihoon said. “Tell me whenever you decide. We will go.”

Sungwoon nodded and watched them walking out of the practice room. He then started a song and began dancing to get the thoughts out of his mind.

It wasn’t successful!

…

 

Thoughts of tomorrow’s session weighed heavily on Woojin’s mind for a long time, perhaps the whole day. He couldn’t have assured himself in any way, that he even began to regret agreeing to whatever this was.

He played continuously that day and never passed the level in which he was playing, so finally, he threw the controller device and swore, “ **FUCK!** ”

There was nothing seemed to calm him down which stressed him even more.

And he hated being stressed over anything.

Thus, he stood up and walked around his place, looking for something or anything that could stop him from thinking. Yet, there was nothing, so he gave up and sat on the chair, finally letting thoughts free and then, vividly began to recall the moment of him and Jihoon when they were very close. He started picturing his long lashes and gorgeous eyes, his seductive smirk, and his lips.

By that, Woojin shook his head, but that picture seemed to be very stuck on his mind, never leaving him. No matter how hard he closed his eyes, or ruffled his hair, at that moment that damn picture didn’t want to go his mind.

That night, alone with thoughts, he was long unable to sleep.

…

From early in the morning, wearing a black suit, Jihoon looked at himself in the mirror, then walked to open the door for Jinyoung who remained there for almost a half hour waiting for his friend to let him in.

“It took you forever to open this goddamn door, what were you doing?” Jinyoung asked, closing the door behind, and followed Jihoon inside.

“I was getting ready for important meeting today,” Jihoon said as he fixed his black shirt.

“Wow really… I have never seen you in a suit since… ever?” Jinyoung sat on the chair, looking amused. “I don’t even remember seeing you dressed like that.”

“Just say it Jinyoung,” He said, looking at the mirror once more. His honey-blond hair was parted in the middle, exposing his forehead.

“Damnit… you look hot.”

“I know” Jihoon smirked proudly.

“You son of a bitch.”

Jihoon laughed hard, and Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “What meeting anyway you’re going to?”

“My uncle set me for another psychologist” Jihoon walked to the kitchen and grabbed his coffee.

“What? For your sessions?”

“Yeah,” He said coldly and sipped a bit.

“What about David? Wasn’t he the one who handles your sessions?” Jinyoung asked, still surprised.

Jihoon approached the latter and sat in the chair opposite him. “He went for a holiday.”

“And you’re dressed like that because…?” Jinyoung’s head tilted making Jihoon laugh.

“The psychologist is so fuckin hot, and I want to impress him.”

“Wow, Jihoon… you can’t stop, can you?”

“Frankly?” He placed his coffee on the table and looked at him again. “Yeah, I can’t. I like to hook up with handsome guys you know.”

“Yeah I know, and I also know that Donghan doesn’t like that.”

“True, he doesn’t but we made a deal together, and since he wants to stay with me he needs to understand that.”

“Yeah okay… got it” Jinyoung said when he noticed Jihoon’s tone becoming stern, “And who is that psychologist and HOW OLD IS HE? Because you never wanted to have sex with your previous doctors.”

“JESUS CRISE…” Jihoon swore, “he isn’t old. I guess he’s in my age as the way he looks, or maybe older but not much… what matters is the fact he’s so fuckin attractive” Jihoon said and retook his coffee, sipped once more than added, “Also, for your information. He is a student and has a class with me.”

“WHAT! NOWAY!”

“Yes way” Jihoon put the coffee down, “my uncle was so impressed with his application, and that guy asked for a volunteering job, and as you can see I am his first patient” He finished his sentence and leaned his back, the smile of pleasure never left his face.

  
“Am mm” Jinyoung didn’t know what to say. “That’s… I don’t know” He was surprised and couldn’t pick up the right words. “Wouldn’t be that weird?”

“How weird?”

“The fact that you will hook up with someone you’ll meet the next day!”

Jihoon thought about it for a second and then smirked.

“What… that smirk… I know that smirk” Jinyoung left his back and leaned forward. He was worried. He knew Jihoon for years, and he knew precisely how impetuous Jihoon was.

Very impetuous.

“Maybe I want to hook up with this person and meet him the next day.”

“What about Donghan… You’ve never hooked up with a person and met him the next day Jihoon!”

“Aren’t we late?” He stood up, as Jinyoung remained there looking at him. He wanted to ask something that suddenly came into his mind, judging Jihoon’s behaviors. “Hey?”

Jihoon rubbed the back of his neck patiently. “What else Jin?”

“You didn’t stop taking your anti-drugs, did you?” He asked carefully.

Jihoon looked at him as anger showed in his face. “No, I didn’t. Are you done now?”

“Yes done. I swear” Jinyoung won’t add more because he knew Jihoon very well, and absolutely knew how impatient too he was.

They left together.

Jinyoung was a senior, studying music at the same university. He had this dream of being a singer and wanted to go back to Korea and start his career as an idol but he couldn’t due to his mother’s rejection. Also, to his best friend Jihoon who didn’t want to go there at all.

Even though there was a little bit difference between their ages, he was indeed very close to him. He considered Jihoon as an older brother whom he loves so much.

Despite Jihoon’s weird personality, they got along very well since ever they were young; however, Jinyoung knew that there are some things that he should never discuss with Jihoon. He had already experienced so many times Jihoon’s temper tantrums, and he knew precisely when he should shut his mouth.

Jihoon appreciated that. He loves him so much but never expresses that clearly, Jinyoung knew that though.  
…

The moment Woojin stepped inside Dr. Frank’s class, he glanced around the room, half expecting to find Jihoon, but he wasn’t there.

It wasn’t confirmed though, because he may come late; however, judging by the previous classes that he had with Frank, Jihoon didn’t show up in any of them. Expect for the first class in which they met.

By that time, it was okay that Jihoon wasn’t there. Indeed, it was great; there was no need for him to be worried that someone might distract him. Today, even so, wasn’t about this class. It was about Jihoon’s sessions that he would start to handle them, which makes him very worried.

Woojin shrugged his thoughts away and walked to his usual place, uncertain if he should be relieved for the fact that Jihoon wasn’t there or not.

The second half of the class had passed with no sight of Park Jihoon.

…

It was 12 PM when Woojin walked into David’s office, noticing that someone was sitting on the chair, and from the back of his head he immediately figured that this person was Park Jihoon.

_His very first patient._

“You came early,” Woojin said, approaching him.

Jihoon only spun his chair around, stopping it with his own foot in front of the other. Woojin stared at him as his heart skipped a beat at that sight. He has never seen him like this before. He looked very gorgeous in his black suit and his honey blond hair that was curled and parted in the middle.

“And you came late,” Jihoon said, drawing him back to reality, and finally stood up. He extended his hand to shook him.

“Oh… really?” Woojin asked, taking his hand.

The shorter kept his hold and met his eyes. “I am kidding” He freed a smile, pulling his hand.

Woojin walked toward his chair. “Please sit,” He told Jihoon, and they both sat down.

The first few buttons of Jihoon’s black shirt were opened, showing his chest. His back was leaning against the chair, and he looked very relaxed.

Woojin wasn’t expecting this, he thought he would see him angry, nervous or perhaps violent, but not like that. All he knew was that Jihoon had been forced to attend these sessions, but what he saw right that moment, was entirely the opposite, making him worried. “You didn’t attend the class today” Woojin stated.

“Did you miss me, Park Woojin?” Jihoon asked, as his usual smirk shown in his face.

“And why would you think that?” Woojin asked, holding a pen that was on the desk.

“I don’t know… Perhaps the fact you were looking for me?” Jihoon asked.

The latter flipped the pen around, and met his gaze, giving a sardonic smile. “You know very well why I was looking for you, so don’t be full of yourself Mr. Park.”

Jihoon let out a husky laugh in which Woojin hardly ignored, pulling a file next to him and opened it. “So…” He began, clearing his voice. “Park Jihoon, it says here that you started attending those sessions after the last attack you committed. Is this right?”

“Yes,” His voice was quiet and confident.

“May I know the reason behind that attack?” Very carefully Woojin asked, avoiding eye contact.

To his surprise, Jihoon got up and approached the desk, leaning a little bit forward, “Someone made me crazy” He whispered.

Woojin tensed at his low voice. “And then?” He asked, willing him to continue.

“And then…” Jihoon's eyes shifted towards the pen Woojin was holding, then, he pulled it slowly, as if he was intended to touch his hand.

Indeed, he was.

Jihoon stepped back and walked around a bit, putting the pen between his lips. “And then I beat the shit out of him.”

“Do you do this to every person makes you crazy?”

A slow smile worked its way across Jihoon’s face. “This is a fascinating question.”

Woojin swore under his breath as he immediately understood where Jihoon’s mind had gone. “What did he exactly do?” He changed the question.

Jihoon chuckled because that was obvious. “Let’s just say he made me angry.”

“Okay” Woojin flipped the paper around. “Why are you taking that course for the third time?”

Jihoon halted for a few moments.

Woojin knew he was taking the risk of asking such a question. But he wanted to know the answer, not from anyone, but Jihoon himself.

Finally, Jihoon turned and looked at him. “I don’t think this question was listed inside that little file,” he asked as he took off his jacket. It wasn’t hot there, but he could feel his body burning.

“You’re right, it wasn’t. But to heal you well, I supposed to ask questions that make me understand you better.”

“You ain’t supposed to heal me Park Woojin,” He said, his words were controlled with effort, his body so tense, Woojin thought he'd snap any second.

He walked and threw his jacket over the chair. He was mad, and for the first time ever, Woojin saw him like that. Yet, he remained quiet. Never showing any expression.

Leaning forward, Jihoon placed his hands, fists down, on the desk. “You’re supposed to hold the sessions until David comes back, and that’s it” He emphasized the word ‘it.’

“And how am I supposed to do that?” There was an ironic kind of a smile behind that question.

“Well,” Jihoon said, lifting his hands off the desk, “I’ll talk, and you just listen.”

Woojin glanced up at him and laughed at that. “This actually works for me very well” He closed the file, leaned back in his chair and watched him. “Then talk!”

Jihoon pulled his sleeves up. “Good boy” His voice was soft, anger suddenly a thing of the past. “Do you know what, Park Woojin?” He asked as he walked toward the window. He glanced through the curtain.

There was a long silence that lasted for about a minute, making Woojin think that Jihoon wouldn’t continue speaking.

He was okay with that; he wouldn’t mind waiting longer, so he kept watching Jihoon as the later remained there watching the campus.

The last thing Woojin would have in mind was that the session would turn out like this. He thought it would be a kind of disaster, but it wasn’t. And despite his desire to know more about this Park Jihoon through these questions he prepared, he didn’t mind to hear him talking as well. In fact, a concern was taken off of him because of that, making him relieved, now he wouldn’t worry about asking too much or trying to heal whatever was wrong with Jihoon.

“I like you Park Woojin” Jihoon finally spoke, breaking the silence. He then turned to look at Woojin, who remained still, asking, “Oh really?”

“You don’t care about these sessions, do you?” Jihoon asked, and walked to his previous spot and held the back of his chair.

When he didn’t receive any answer from the other one, he spoke again, “This isn’t what I like about you though.”

“What do you like then?” Woojin was very comfortable, he wasn’t showing a serious expression anymore. This session had become fun to him.

“You’re a competitive guy, and that’s what I like about you.”

Woojin stayed silent.

“I am sure uncle had already told you about my situation, and perhaps he said something about Mom too,” Jihoon said. An unidentifiable expression lurked in his dark features as he continued, “I am also certain he asked you to help me.”

Woojin looked startled for a moment and then composed himself. “What makes you think he said that?”

“Because he’s my uncle and I know him very well,” Jihoon said, sitting on the chair. “I am not mad though, he had been doing that for so long by now, but none of the previous doctors had exceeded their limit by asking questions that considered private.” He leaned back in his chair and stretched his legs out, his piercing gaze fixed on Woojin once again and added, “They would gibber about nonsense, like how am I feeling and shit like that, but they wouldn’t go in deep for the first session, you know.”

Jihoon’s gaze roved over the other’s face.

By that moment, Woojin was quiet.

“But I like how carelessly you took that risk, knowing I would snap any moment.”

By then, Woojin was surprised.

All of it was true. He took that risk and didn’t care about Jihoon. He wasn’t trying to heal him as much as he wanted to know his past and all the mystery around him.

“You should be careful next time,” Jihoon told him, “I may hurt you, Park Woojin.”

Woojin laughed. “I don’t believe you cause harm.”

“I caused a lot of harm to so many people. Trust me”

“It wasn’t done on purpose…” Woojin said. “I mean, the harm you caused” There was a coldness in the way he looked at the other by which Jihoon was annoyed.

“Don’t act as you know me.”

“I don’t know you Jihoon, and I don’t act like I am, but what I know and understand is without these antidepressants you take, you won’t be able to control the anger you feel.”

For moments, Jihoon didn’t reply as anger began to creep in. He hated that Woojin was right. And cursed the fact he couldn’t come up with something to say.

Woojin leaned forward, putting his arms on the desk. “Have you ever wanted to kill yourself Park Jihoon?” He asked with a serious note.

Jihoon’s heart pounded hard. And then, he adjusted himself on his seat and smirked.  
“Actually, I wanted to kill someone…” He halted for a moment before adding, “who isn’t me and will never be me” There was a kind of a smile that Jihoon gave after saying these words which irritated Woojin.

Suddenly the door opened, making both of them look at it. “Oh…” Jinyoung, who was holding the door’s handle said, “I… am sorry” His face looked surprised despite his previous knowledge about their existence here. He just couldn’t wait any longer to see how the session was going.

“Who are you?” Woojin asked.

Jihoon was quick and answered, “He’s my friend.”

At that, Woojin ignored him and asked the guy standing by the door. “Do you need something?” He seemed a bit angry in which Jinyoung tensed a little bit, looking at Jihoon.

“Ah…”

“He needs me,” Jihoon said once again.

Woojin looked at Jihoon, then he ignored him again and looked at Jinyoung, who remained there silent. “Did the cat got your tongue?”

Jihoon only smirked then gestured to Jinyoung to answer.

“I…I need Jihoon” Jinyoung murmured, silently cursing himself for entering. “But… I can come later.”

“That’s alright” Jihoon stood up. “We’re done.”

“We will finish this later” Woojin said, anger could be sensed from his voice. He watched Jihoon as he walked out of the office, closing the door behind. Woojin could swear he glanced a satisfied smile appearing on the other’s face before he closed the door that he couldn’t quite understand.

The reason why anger suddenly burned through him wasn’t that of Jinyoung entering the office. It was Jihoon’s answer that reminded him of his careless words when they first met in Frank’s class.

It was annoying, the fact Jihoon had similar hard experience as much as he had and yet he thinks suicide is a joke.

Woojin himself was this kind of a person, who never really cared about anything but himself. He was that type of a guy who would make so much trouble and make life hard for other people. However, he changed a lot. Yeah, he thought that changing was very late. He still blamed himself for everything that happened to his sister.

He even hated the old person he was.

That year, in which Jiwoo killed herself, was very hard for him. He never goes out. He would lock himself in his room for hours and never eats anything. He only ate when his mother cried, and he then understood that he was just making it much harder for her. That day, he finally realized he should be the one who takes care of his mother and the whole family.

In spite of the similarities they both had of which he was aware, he still couldn’t deduce the way Jihoon thinks. Perhaps that’s why he was very curious about knowing his past. It must be for that reason, or else he wouldn't be that curious. He thought.

…

Jinyoung was walking next to Jihoon not believing what just happened. “What was that…?” He asked, eyes wide open.

“What do you think about him?” Jihoon turned to him, still smiling.

“Regardless of everything had just happened, he’s an attractive man I would say” Jinyoung stated.

“I know, he’s no joke” Jihoon muttered, his smile was cunning, the glow of lust in his eyes.

“You didn’t change your mind then huh?” Jinyoung asked as they walked out of the building.

“You could say that desire had grown up within myself for the hooking up thing, so yeah I didn’t change my mind,” Jihoon said.

…

  
At 10 Pm Sungwoon had just entered the apartment, exhausted from the first dancing class that he taught to some girls and boys in Jihoon’s dancing club. Even though they were right, he felt tired because he literally spent the whole day dancing after his class.

Daniel was sitting on the couch not doing anything, his head was leaning against the edge of the couch’s back, staring at the ceiling making Sungwoon feel worried a bit. “ **What are you doing?** ” He couldn’t resist asking, because the last time they met, he told Daniel that he hated him, and then he never saw him again, until this right moment.

There was no reply from the other, and Sungwoon could feel that he was in a grumpy mood, so he approached him. “ **I asked you a question!** ”

Daniel looked at him then ignored him again, looking back at the ceiling. “ **What’s wrong?** ” Sungwoon was already mad. He hated when people ignore him like this.

“ **Nothing is wrong Sungwoon. Just leave me alone.** ”

“ **Why didn’t you attend the lecture today?** ” Sungwoon asked.

“ **This is none of your business.** ”

A sudden text drew their attention to Daniel’s cell phone. The latter took his phone and read the text. “ **It’s from dad.** ”

“ **What does it say?** ”

“ **He wants to video call us. Both** ” Daniel stated as if it was the worst thing ever.

“ **Okay let’s do it** ” Sungwoon walked and sat next to Daniel who solely looked at him, a bit surprised.  
“ **What are you looking at? Call him!** ” Sungwoon said, and the other searched for the FaceTime app, and then he called his father.

It was only a few seconds until his father’s picture appeared. “ **Wow,** ” He said once he saw them together.

“ **Hi dad** ” Daniel waved to him, and both freed a smile. “ **I miss you guys so much,** ” His father told them, but he looked a bit emotional that his eyes suddenly burned with unshed tears.

They saw it. “ **Hey, dad what’s wrong,** ” Daniel asked, surprised to see his father in such a status. He had never seen him like that before which scared him a bit. “ **Is everything okay?** ”

“ **N…nothing… I am sorry I just miss you guys so much, and I am thrilled to see you together** ” He told them, and gave a broad smile.

Sungwoon smiled to him too, and suddenly, he put an arm around Daniel’s shoulders. “ **We’re doing very fine. What about you!** ”

Daniel looked surprised for a moment, but then his lips twisted into a smile. “ **Yeah** ”

They could notice that Seung Yeon was surprised. “ **Are you…** ”

“ **Yes, we are…we talked, and finally, we solved our issues, is that right, Daniel?** ” Sungwoon turned to him.

“ **Y…yeah…that’s right, you know being together in the same apartment would eventually lead us to make up.** ” He smiled widely again and hoped it wouldn’t be so obvious.

Daniel’s father perhaps wouldn’t believe that lie. For one, it seemed so quick considering the time they spent apart from each other. It was just impossible that they would actually be friends and be intimate with each other like this.

So, yeah his father may never believe it.

They kept talking about everything for half an hour. And if Daniel’s father didn’t believe it, he didn’t show it and solely kept talking with them about New York and the university.

Sungwoon never mentioned his work as a dancer trainer, because he knew Seung Yeon and also knew how strict he could be.

“ **Take care of each other…** ” Seung Yeon told them, his voice trembled, and again he nearly cried. “ **I love you both so much… I know I don’t say these words so often, but I do love you guys.** ”

Both were startled. There was something off that they couldn’t determine.

As much as they remember, Seung Yeon wasn’t emotional nor sensitive. Instead, he was just the opposite. It was true that he was a kind man; yet, he was cold and strict. Seeing him in such a situation, made them wonder. “ **We will take care of each other** ” Sungwoon said, trying to comfort him.

“ **Don’t worry dad** ” Daniel assured. His father’s attitude left him confused, and the way he spoke to them reminded him of their childhood, whenever he gave them speeches.

Since ever they became adults, he never used those words. He never gave them any more advice. There was something weird from the way he talked, but Daniel didn’t give it more thoughts. Perhaps because he was old which might have affected him.

  
Sungwoon pulled his arm as soon as the call ended. “ **I am sorry,** ” He said, “ **I had to make sure he believes we are getting along.** ”

“ **He wouldn’t believe it. He isn’t stupid, you know** ” Daniel got up, his voice sounded cold and distant. “ **That was a very lame lie** ” He added as he walked toward his room.

Sungwoon smiled bitterly because finally, that was the Daniel he knew.

The previous one who came to the dancing club and waked him up wasn’t him.

…

It was past nightfall when Jihoon entered his dance club. Two weeks had passed since the last time he danced there.

He couldn’t believe it, because he had used to dance whenever he was upset or troubled, which was every single day, but perhaps he didn’t feel any of those the previous two weeks.

Today; however, things had changed the moment he walked into Woojin’s office.

At that time, complicated and mixed feelings wandered his mind at a quick pace, in a way he couldn’t understand. It wasn’t like he had never used to having such thoughts. He actually did in every time he attended sessions with doctors to which his uncle bought him.

But, sensing so many strong feelings in such a short time, and with one person in the first session was a bit _weird_. It felt like Woojin was controlling his mind, and that was pretty annoying.

Still wondering, Jihoon took off his shirt then walked to open the speaker, and a slow song started. At first, he turned and looked at the Blackbird tattoo at the bottom of his back. It was small and could hardly be seen.

_‘These four lonely walls have changed the way I feel, the way I feel, I am standing still.’_

Jihoon began dancing as the song carried him sadly back to those painful feelings of which he had not thought lately, but which still found a place in his soul. 

_‘And nothing else matters now, you’re not here. So where are you? I am calling you I am missing you…’_

He had never known that one session could affect him that much, which made him furious that for the thousand times in his life he couldn’t control his feelings.

_‘Where else can I go? Where else can I go? Chasing you, chasing you.’_

The contemporary dancing had always helped him but for a short time, so that good feeling had never lasted for more than a day. And yet, he needed to take all these anti-depressants to stop himself from attacking people.

_‘Please don't bury us, I got you, I got you.’_

Jihoon now was covered in sweat, the muscles of his exposed back rippling with his movement. And as those enraged feelings controlled his mind, his dancing became harder, and his movements became stronger, that anyone could sense how mad he was right that moment.

On the other side, was Sungwoon, standing behind the door, watching silently and yet amazed at how beautiful those movements were and how strong those feelings that came out from the other. He was surprised really! That he couldn’t even move.

Sungwoon couldn’t sleep because of that call, so he decided to go back to the dancing club that became his second home. And now, there he was, watching Jihoon with amazement.

Jihoon stopped when the song finished and remained still watching his reflection in the mirror. Sensing his heartbeats that didn’t ease as he heavily breathed.

Then, he walked to his bag and took his anti-depressant.

For moments he halted, looking at it, like if he was debating within himself whether to take it or not.

Sungwoon kept his eyes on the scene, still wondering.

Eventually, Jihoon took it and drank his water.

Clearing his voice, Sungwoon decided to step in. The other turned a bit surprised, looking at him. Yet, his mouth quickly twisted into a smug smile, “Oh, you’re here?”

“Yeah, I just came.”

“So you decided?”

“What?”

“The offer?” Jihoon said and drank what left in his bottle of water.

“I didn’t decide yet,” Sungwoon said as he sat on the floor. “I am not actually sure about it yet.”

Jihoon walked toward him and sat next to him. “It is a hard decision I know. But if this is about Daniel…”

“What about him?!” Sungwoon interrupted, raising an eyebrow.

“He seems to hate my guts, and I don’t think he is okay with you dancing here. Is this right?”

“For one, yeah he hates your guts as much I do too…”

Jihoon cut him off with a loud laugh. “Ah…this is really funny, sorry, keep going,” he told him, and Sungwoon only rolled his eyes. “But, that’s none of his business, he can’t stop me from doing what I want.”

“You love him, don’t you?” Jihoon asked seriously.

“None of your business, Jihoon” Sungwoon said and got up.

“Okay okay, Sorry dude” He got up too, “So does that mean you would eventually say yes to the offer?”

“Actually I would say yes right now” Sungwoon finally stated, and Jihoon solely smiled.

Sungwoon smiled too and then walked to leave. “Hey” Jihoon called. “I am leaving you can use the practice room!”

“No that’s okay. I changed my mind” He told him, and walked.

“Listen,” Jihoon said, as the latter once again turned to look at him, “Yes?”

“Daniel is in love with you.”

At the remark, Sungwoon’s heart thundered. “How do you know?” He wasn’t supposed to ask this and show his feelings. Indeed, he regretted those words at the moment they came out his mouth.

“I just know, trust me,” Jihoon told him, but this time he was the one who left.

Sungwoon could only watch him leaving as thoughts started attacking his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ^^
> 
> I wish you like this chapter and I am sorry that I couldn't make it any longer. But I tried my best to write fast so I could post it in a short time.
> 
> For those who don't know what contemporary dance is (Jihoon's type of dance)
> 
> Here is a link that will show you that Kang Daniel had danced it before. If you wanna see it.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iejpKwrch8k
> 
> You can also write contemporary dance on YouTube and watch some to know it.
> 
> If you had any questions you can ask me in comments and I will answer right away.
> 
> PS: This is my Twitter Acc if you want to ask questions or follow for updates...etc  
> https://twitter.com/CutEvil2P  
> Sorry again for the grammar mistakes.


	6. Chapter 6

In the middle of the darkness, inside Donghan’s room, there was him and Jihoon kissing as they roughly undressed each other. It had been perhaps two weeks since the last time they had sex together, which, in fact, was very normal; because they didn’t do that so often due to the many rules that Jihoon had set for both of them, for Donghan precisely. And in spite of that, the latter was doing just fine.

Every time they do it, Jihoon becomes too impulsive for a bottom like him. Just like this moment, in which he pushed Donghan hard on the bed and climbed over him, touching him, kissing him and letting him explore the sweetness of his whole body, which sent Donghan to the top of the world because he liked it very fucking much when Jihoon becomes dominant.

During those heaven-like moments, Donghan’s hands roamed Jihoon’s body, feeling his hot kisses, wanting him with the same lust he felt from him. But what Donghan never understood was that Jihoon had never felt desire. He never realized that the passion he received from the other was actually anger. He never realized that Jihoon had never felt neither secure nor love whenever they make ‘love’ as Donghan thought it called.

Or perhaps Jihoon did, but he wasn’t sure himself.

What’s certain was how mad Jihoon felt right this moment, how hard he wanted to scream and how much pain he felt. Sex to him wasn’t a desire more than stress relief. He wouldn’t lie about that; he would actually feel great, but that great feeling never lasted more than a minute, no matter how many times he would hook up with different guys, it would just end up the same.

Maybe he didn’t deserve that pleasure, maybe sex wasn’t for him, and he would never feel what other people felt whenever they had sex, or maybe he had no feelings in the first place, maybe he was solely a tool that pleases others, and that’s it, maybe he wasn’t supposed to feel happy at all, maybe he didn’t deserve that, or anything, maybe he even shouldn’t be alive. “Hey…hey baby slow down” Donghan whispered when he noticed blood falling down Jihoon’s lower lip. “Are you okay?”

Jihoon stopped and got up off him, touching the blood in his lip. He was shocked, and his expressions were pale as he watched the blood on his finger, not believing what just happened. Was he biting on his lip? Why couldn’t he notice that? “Jihoon… are you okay?” Donghan asked again. “I don’t know… I don’t know how that happened” His voice was trembling. “That’s okay…that’s okay” Donghan held him close. “Let’s just get up, and I will help you clean the wound… ok?”

“No… I will go alone…” Jihoon pushed him and walked to the restroom then he closed the door behind and locked it.

It wasn’t like it’s their first time experiencing such a thing, but it had been a quite long time since ever they had lived something similar to this. Donghan never talked to anyone about it, because he had already made a promise to Jihoon never to say anything and just ignore all of it.

So he kept his mouth shut about everything except for one thing, which he told his father.  
Besides, what just happened didn’t consider dangerous, they had lived harder days, like the day when Jihoon suddenly couldn’t breathe anymore that he almost lost his consciousness and then when he regained it, he locked himself in the restroom and Donghan could solely hear him sobbing uncontrollably.

However, things were different right now. Despite being alone inside the restroom, he couldn’t cry, not even a bit. He only sat there on the floor, his back leaned against the door as he felt a sob choking his throat and yet tears didn’t come out. Since ever the day he cried himself out, he couldn’t do that again anymore.

In somehow, he was satisfied by that, because the last time he cried, he hated the fact that Donghan saw him in such a fucked up state. He wished he could erase that picture out of the latter’s mind. He hated crying in front of anyone and by the day in which Donghan heard him, he had never done that ever.

But he didn’t care at that moment.

As the darkness of his thoughts kept amplifying the pain, Jihoon looked once again at the blood in his finger, then licked his lower lip to taste the bitterness of that blood.

It was funny and weird at the same time that he couldn’t feel pain when he bit hard on his lip, but what was even more surprising, the fact that he broke down at the same day he had his session. He wondered, how could Park Woojin affect him like this? How could one session turn him around easily like this? He was perfectly fine before he met Woojin, he was fine exactly before that specific session.

So, which words exactly that affected him so hard?

While closing his eyes, Jihoon wished if he could have a tool that might stop his mind from overthinking. Or perhaps stop the whole world from moving so fast, stop everything and all the feelings that he felt that day, this day and probably every fucking day.

But he couldn’t stop anything and yet by the blank look in his unseeing eyes, he'd fallen into his thoughts again.

Donghan stayed there inside the room for almost 45 minutes and still couldn’t dare to knock on the door. He knew Jihoon, and also knew that he told him so many times to not hit on the fucking door, no matter how long he stayed there. He even told him not to worry because he would never ever hurt himself.

Donghan believed him, and he still does so.

That day had passed safely, like each day of Jihoon’s miserable life.

…

If Woojin could measure on a scale of 1-10 how bad this morning was, he would probably say 8 and keep the remaining two for the worst cases. Although he couldn’t remember how much he drank yesterday, he was sure that he drank way too much than he supposed to, and it’s driving him insane.

Hangovers had always been the main reason for which he wouldn’t drink that much because he knew he needed his brain and his full focus to study more and do his work, but hangovers prevent him from doing that.

He found it funny, the fact that he would drink too much when he was younger. At those times, he wouldn’t care about anything; however, right now, he cares. And due to his negligence the previous night, here he was having a throbbing headache and couldn’t do anything about it.

That wasn’t the reason why he was furious though; what worsened this morning, was that he woke up at eleven, and had no time to do anything other than driving to the university because there were fifteen minutes remained until the session. And he literally had no idea how he couldn’t hear the fucking alarm clock.

Woojin looked at the mirror in his car once again, tried to fix his hair, and no matter what he did, he still looked terrible. But he shouldn’t care less.

He still got 15 minutes to park his car and hurry to the office.

Finally, there he was entering the office, expecting to find Jihoon there, but he wasn’t, which was a bit kind of relief. He looked around the room and then headed toward his desk. Woojin sat there and leaned his head against the back of his chair, his face towards the ceiling. He shut his eyes and wished if this nasty headache could disappear.

Was it a mistake, that he got himself into this mess? Clearly, Jihoon had no issues, with suicide precisely. He perhaps had other problems, but it's not like Woojin cares? Then he should just quit as Richard had told him! Why didn’t he stop?

It’s also clear that Jihoon won’t say anything about his past, then, why to bother and continue these sessions Park Woojin?

They all are useless.

There was a soft knock at the door. Woojin groaned and left his head off the chair, “come in” he said and glanced up as Jihoon entered the office, holding a cup of coffee. He didn’t say anything and only watched him walking to the chair. “You look sick!” The latter said as he sat on the chair.

“And you look great!” Woojin coldly replied, yet amazed, really, he wasn’t lying. Jihoon indeed looked so gorgeous even when he only wore black pants and black hoodie, his hair was messy, and even though, he still looked great.

“I wish if I could say you too. But you ain't that good. What’s the matter with you?”

“That’s fine, I know I look like shit.”

“You got a hangover?”

Woojin smiled, and his snaggletooth showed. “Yes, is this a problem for you?”

He rarely smiled; indeed, Jihoon had seen him smile only once or twice since he met him. And he couldn’t deny it, it was such an appealing one. “Absolutely not,” He said.

“Ok then tell me, how’s your day going?” Woojin asked him, trying to hide the pain he was feeling. His head ached too much, and he could barely stay focus.

“Well, Dr. Park I’m happy to tell you that my day was perfect; I woke up in such a great mood,” He said as he pulled up his hoodie.

“Okay cool,” He said with enough sarcasm that he chuckled. “What lighten up your mood then?”

“I had sex last night…a little rough sex,”

Woojin’s heart pounded, he wasn’t excepting that kind of answer.

“And it helped me a lot” Jihoon added as he bit his lip.

“Oh yeah? helped you with what exactly?” Woojin’s tone was flat and uninterested.

“You know…how I had those temper’s issues… the one, my uncle, told you about?”

“Yeah?” His face looked very quiet.

“Having it rough was such a big help,” Jihoon said as he watched Woojin’s expressions.

He was enjoying it.

“Great…you could find a way to release all the madness you feel.”

Woojin could obviously see how Jihoon was trying to spot any difference in his reactions, but he wouldn't successes, because Woojin wouldn't show any.

“So here is my only question Dr. Park” Jihoon put the cup on the table next to him, leaning forward, “I become too aggressive with the people I sleep with. Do you think it’s a problem?” A smile of pleasure never left Jihoon’s face.

“No, not at all,” Woojin shook his head, his expression was unreadable, and once again Jihoon failed to notice any reaction. “As long as you feel better, this won't be a problem” He added, as his headache pulsed.

“So… What about you?” Jihoon’s hoodie fell without him noticing. A kind of dazed desire was shown on his face.

This wasn’t his first time trying to seduce someone. He would perhaps lose count of how many guys he’d been already attracted, along with the others who eventually came to him. And even though there were so many guys with whom he struggled, in the end, he would succeed.

He could sense that Woojin was a bit different, yet, he had a sudden urge to trigger him to start the first move.

A surrender from someone like Woojin was the kind of challenge Jihoon needed.

“What? what about me?” Woojin asked a bit confused.

“I don’t know; I haven’t seen you with anyone before…”

“So?” Woojin interrupted.

“I don’t even know your sexual orientation, but I guess you’re attracted to men, am I right?”

“Wow Jihoon,” Woojin let out a humorless scoff and gave his head a slight shake, raising an eyebrow. “Is this how much you want me to fuck you?”

Jihoon looked surprised for a moment, but then he spoke again. “I am amazed at how confidently you reached this conclusion” He eyed him with a smirk.

Woojin rubbed the back of his neck, “The conversation became off the main topic, Jihoon” He said, “So tell me about your feelings… Or let’s discuss the issue of the last time. You said you won’t kill yourself, but you want to kill other people, is there a reason for that?” He asked.

Jihoon’s lips twisted into a smile. “Yeah, I won’t kill myself if this what worries you or worries uncle, Richard… I’ve said so before, people who commit suicide are stupid, and I am not stupid.” There was coldness in his tone that was very provoking. “And to be very honest, those who killed themselves perhaps deserved to die.”

By that Woojin had enough, he got up and stretched his neck from side to side.

Jihoon could hear the crackling sound.

Woojin walked and sat on the chair opposite him. “ **Look** ” He spoke with a sheer fury on his face.

Jihoon’s heart sank into his stomach as he heard Woojin’s speaking Korean. It was the first time ever he had spoken to him in this language.

“ **I am not stupid; I know what you want Jihoon… And I also know that you don’t have any fucking issue…** ” Woojin said, anger crossing his face.

Jihoon remained silent.

“ **Your uncle asked me to get your past story out of your mouth, but it’s clear you won’t talk. And to be very honest, I don’t fucking care! They say you’re so obsessed with suicide because your mother killed herself. But what I can see that you don’t give a fuck.** ”

“I don’t understand you” Jihoon’s voice was calm, even though pain spiraled through him.

“ **You don’t? I know you understand every shit I say, so don’t act like you don’t Park Jihoon. What exactly happened in Seoul that got you here seriously? Is it because your mom killed herself? Do you really care about your mom? What happened to you when you were kid Jihoon?** ”

“I don’t understand…” Jihoon once again said quietly. Anger and panic could be shown in his face. Woojin couldn’t seem to notice that, because he was so mad. He had enough of Jihoon’s careless words that he couldn’t shut his mouth anymore.

“ **You think suicide is a joke? If you really cared about your mom, you wouldn’t say such things. So let’s stop these sessions because they’re useless. I even told your uncle, that you won’t speak about your past... And I’m sick of waiting.** ”

“Shut up…”

“ **So now you understand?** ”

“Shut up, Woojin”

“ **Why would I do that? Are you scared that people may figure out whatsoever happened to you in the past? Why can’t you talk about it? What happened** Jihoon **? Just tell me and let’s fucking end this session.** ”

“Shut up…” His heart was racing, and his breath came quickly.

“ **No, I don’t want to shut up, until you fucking tell me, what happened…? Are you scared?** ”

“ **SHUT UP!** ” Jihoon suddenly yelled in his own language. It had been such a long time since he spoke with it.

He got up. His chest was tightening, his breathing ragged.

Only by then Woojin could notice how bad he looked.

_What’s wrong with him? What’s happening?_

For a moment, he halted as he watched Jihoon trying to breathe.

He froze.

“ **Shut up** ” Jihoon muttered again, but Woojin wasn’t talking. “ **Shut up,** ” He said once again and covered his ears. A child was screaming and crying inside his head, and he wanted him to fucking shut up, but he wouldn’t. He felt cramped, confined, his breathing accelerated so that he was gulping air as quickly as he could, but he couldn’t get enough air. Woojin hurried to him, held him. “ **Hey… breathe,** ” but Jihoon couldn’t do so, his throat was locked, he was still hearing the kid screaming, he could see images, he closed his eyes so those images could disappear. “ **Hey, Jihoon listen to me breathe…** ” Woojin was holding him, telling him constantly to breathe breathe breathe. But he was going to suffocate, he was going to die like this. He couldn’t breathe anymore, his body felt weak, his legs couldn’t hold him anymore that he almost fell, but Woojin caught him.

Suddenly, he got the breath release. Whatever had been holding on let go, and now he drew air into his lungs, then a sob tore from his throat as he slowly dropped to his knees with Woojin still holding him, he cried so hard for the first time in months.

Pair of powerful arms were tightly holding him as he trembled and sobbed.

For moments he couldn’t care less. Woojin was a bit shaking too, not believing what just happened. All he knew was he felt a pang of guilt for pushing Jihoon so hard. And despite the dean’s warning, he couldn’t believe that Jihoon was really suffering from something which he wouldn’t perhaps understand at all.

Jihoon was on his knees, sobbing so hard, feeling those warm arms tightening around him, “ **I am sorry… I am so sorry** ” He could hear Woojin whispering, but he couldn’t stop crying. For the first time in thousands of years, he remembered what real pain felt like. As if he had been feeling numb inside, as if all of his feelings were disconnected for such a long period, and now he could feel the pain again.

Jihoon suddenly stopped crying and stared at Woojin. “ **I…am** ” The latter tried to apologize again, but Jihoon pushed his hands off him. “Don’t…say anything” His voice trembled, anger burning through him. He got up and walked to the door. Woojin was startled, and he froze. Jihoon turned to him again, his body was shaking that Woojin couldn’t believe he could walk on his feet. “Don’t fucking tell anyone about this? Do you hear me?” He told him and then left.

The door slammed hard behind him.

There Woojin remained on his knees as dread and guilt flowed over him. He was confused, trying to intake what just happened. What if Jihoon died right that moment? What if something terrible happened to him? How would he live with such guilt? He hurt Jiwoo in the past too, he was the reason why she killed herself, even if that happened unintentionally, he was still the reason.

He could remember how different they were. Jiwoo was one of the top, polite students in their high school; however, he wasn’t. Instead, he was a wild, reckless kid that everyone was scared of. He would pick so many fights with everyone literally. He didn’t care about anything other than dancing which was the only thing he was good at. He made fun of her, he hated the fact that everyone would compare them to each other. He even wasn’t a good brother to her. Until one day, someone from their school rapped her on the top of the roof. He left her alone, and she never told anyone about it. He could remember how much she had changed after that, but he ignored her although he was worried. He acted like he didn’t care. And despite his curiosity, he never asked her anything.

A couple of months later, she killed herself, leaving a letter behind, telling the whole story.

Again, he was making the same mistakes, he didn’t care about Jihoon, and pushed him hard even when he’d been already warned. He was supposed to make him feel better, he was supposed to do his work professionally, but he didn’t and only ruined everything.

He should have believed Richard.

….

  
During that night, Daniel was sitting and working on some papers. He was worried about his father that he kept thinking of him and could barely stay focused.

While working for almost two hours, Sungwoon finally came out of his room, he didn’t go to the dancing club that day at all. He walked towards the kitchen and poured himself a cup of water. Daniel eyed him for a second and then went back to work, wondering why wouldn’t Sungwoon go to the club? He rarely stayed in the apartment, and it was a bit weird seeing him there.

“ **Why didn’t you go to the dancing club?** ” Daniel asked, pretending to work even though he wasn’t paying attention at all. Sungwoon drank the rest of his water, then he put the cup on the table. “ **If you're uncomfortable with me being here, you can just tell me, you know.** ”

“ **No, I’m just asking,** ” Daniel told him, flipping the pages randomly.

Sungwoon didn’t answer and walked back to his room. But then he paused and turned to Daniel. “ **Then, you won’t mind if I bring my boyfriend over here? Will you?** ”

Daniel’s heart skipped a beat and then began to pound in his ears. Suddenly he felt his tongue tied that he couldn’t say anything and only looked back at his papers.

He just couldn’t believe it.

“ **Do I take that as a no?** ” Sungwoon asked.

“ **Do whatever you want.** ”

Sungwoon nodded at him, even though Daniel wasn’t looking in his direction.

There was no boyfriend, he was only testing what Jihoon told him before. And all that time he thought that maybe Daniel loved him that he would see his reaction himself; only to find out that he didn’t even care. But no, Daniel didn’t like him.

And maybe he should have a boyfriend, a real one and forget the hell about Daniel. And maybe he should even leave this apartment for good.

…

It’s been two days since the last time Donghan saw Jihoon. He started to really worry because whenever Jihoon breaks down, he will still get back the next day even better than before. As if there’s nothing wrong happen. But since ever they had sex together he didn’t see him again. Jihoon didn’t pick up his phone; he even didn’t open the door when Donghan went to his apartment. And yet, he couldn’t tell Richard about it because Jihoon had warned several times already not to tell anyone about anything.

Donghan sat silently thinking for a long time until he decided to speak out his thoughts. “Dad?” He said.

“Yeah?” Hyunsuk answered while working on his laptop.

“Do you remember when I told you about Jihoon’s situation?”

His father looked at him, a bit concerned. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“No nothing happened. It’s just…”

“Did he collapse again?” He asked once more, closing his laptop, and turned to Donghan.

“No… wait just listen! don’t worry, he’s doing fine.” For a moment, Donghan regretted talking about it. Although he would always regret speaking about Jihoon to his father, he couldn’t help it.

His father would always get _too_ worried.

“Ok… I am sorry, keep going.”

“It’s just I am worried about him…We were together two days ago, and then he just disappeared. He isn’t picking up his phone. I went to his apartment, but he wasn’t there. I even called Jinyoung, but he said he didn’t see him.”

“Did you tell Richard?”

“No, I can’t. Jihoon is really strict about that, he would kill me if I talked to Richard. I’m barely talking to you.”

“Did he say anything to you?”

“No, but he was a bit depressed… I don’t really know why; I am just telling you this. So don’t tell him that I talked to you.”

“Don’t worry I am not gonna tell him. So did he hear the kid’s screaming again, the one you told me about before?”

“No… I don’t think so; I am not sure actually” Donghan’s expression became thoughtful for a moment. “Whatever Jihoon is living, it became a dire situation, dad. I think we should force him to go see someone.”

“No that would affect him in such an awful way, I told Richard he shouldn’t force him until Jihoon decides to go himself.”

“So what should I do?”

“Just wait for him a bit more,” Hyunsuk said as his expression grew more and more preoccupied and gloomy; however, Donghan didn’t seem to notice.

…

At night, stepping inside his office, Hyunsuk sat down behind his desk and picked up the phone to talk to someone.

“ **Yes, Hyunsuk?** ” Came an old man’s voice.

“ **It’s Jihoon again** ” Hyunsuk sighed in exasperation.

“ **Did something happen?** ”

“ **No, but I am afraid it will.** ”

“ **Hyunsuk, Aren’t you exaggerating?** ”

“ **It’s me who works with him, you know, I suppose to worry all the time.** ”

“ **He was a little kid; he won’t remember anything don’t worry too much, if he could, he would have remembered already.** ”

Hyunsuk let out a heavy sigh. “ **I wish he would never remember.** ”

“ **Anyway, I am so busy right now, and I need to hang up the phone. As I told you before, don’t think about it too much, he won’t remember you at all, trust me. Even though sometimes I wish if he could** ”

“ **Ugh, Eunchul…** ” Hyunsuk growled, and the other laughed hard. “ **I am not joking though, you deserved that really… you took advantage of that kid even after what you did to him.** ”

“ **You’re talking like you are free of sins yourself** ” He muttered.

“ **At least I am not hovering near that kid.** ”

By that Hyunsuk sighed for the thousandth time. “ **It’s not like I looked for him.** ”

“J **ust go thank the kid instead of babbling, because without him you would be by now living on the streets.** ”

Hyunsuk gave a sinister laugh. “ **The only one who is exaggerating is you** ”

Eunchul let out a scoff, “ **Yeah sure, I will hang up. Have a good day Hyunsuk.** ”

“ **You as well.** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I promised to post longer chapters, but those days I've been studying and working a lot that I barely had the time for writing. I wish you like this chapter.
> 
> Promise I will write as fast as I could.
> 
> Thank you so much for your comments and kudos.
> 
> Don't forget to tell me what you think about this chapter in the comments below.
> 
> Thanks^^


	7. Chapter 7

 

One week had passed. Jihoon never attended any lectures, and Woojin had absolutely no idea where he was. He went to the nightclub and looked for him constantly for the whole past week. And yet, he couldn’t find him anywhere. What made it worst that he couldn’t ask anyone. Not even Richard.

Guilt never left him, he couldn’t live the previous week properly that he showed up in all his lectures without even paying attention to whatever they were talking about. He couldn’t neither eat nor work, and it felt exactly like those days in which his sister died. He couldn’t stop thinking about her and Jihoon, he wanted to make it up to him, but the problem was that he couldn’t find him anywhere.

Richard had asked him several times about the sessions, and he said they were fine. He didn’t say anything else.

 

On Friday morning Woojin saw Jinyoung walking towards Richard’s building. “Hey?” he called. “You’re Jihoon’s friend, right?” Jinyoung only looked at him for a moment. His expressions were unreadable that Woojin tensed a bit and felt that Jinyoung perhaps knew what he did. “Yes?” Jinyoung approached him.

“I am sorry for bothering you, I just wanna ask you about Jihoon! Do you have any idea where I can find him?” Woojin asked. His tone sounded nervous and tentative.

“No, I have no idea.”

Woojin’s heart sank. “Did you call him?”

“I called him several times, his phone is off.”

His heart pounded harder that he could hear its beats inside his ears. “He isn’t in his home? Did you check it?”

Jinyoung looked at him for a bit wondering, and Woojin waited for his answer nervously. “He is not there, I think he’s in the police station,” Jinyoung said and was about to walk.

“Wait. What do you mean?” Woojin was scared enough that lines of worry started to appear on Jinyoung’s face, “Did something happen between you two?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah…”

“What?”

“I screwed up.”

“What did you do?” Jinyoung looked even more worried, lines on his forehead were deepening.

“I…I pushed him so hard, about his past…”

“YOU DID WHAT!!!”

“I am sorry I didn’t know…”

“I think he’s in the police station…” He said as he looked at the floor thinking, “but they didn’t call.”

“What do you mean…?” Woojin got more tensed, he couldn’t remain on his feet.

Jinyoung didn’t answer and walked, but Woojin held his hand, “wait…What do you mean? Please tell me.”

“Let go, I need to tell Richard, it’s been a week, and he never stayed that long” Jinyoung tried to jerk his arm, but Woojin tightened his strong grip. “I told you to wait,” He said through clenched teeth.

 

Jinyoung stopped as fear squeezed his stomach.

By the look on the latter’s face, Woojin loosened his grip on him, sensing he wasn't going to leave. “I am sorry,” He said. “I just I wanna fix that problem myself. I don’t want Richard to know, let’s go there.”

 

“Ok…” Jinyoung muttered.

“Now tell me, what do you mean by he never stayed that long.”

“Since you’re the one who handles his sessions, you probably know...” Jinyoung began, anger could be shown in his face, “Or you are supposed to know that he had attacked so many people before.”

“Yes?”

“Sometimes he would attack them just to go there…”

One of Woojin’s eyebrows shot up.

“But they didn’t call…I am afraid he isn’t there” Jinyoung added. “So please let’s go quickly. I am anxious.”

By that, Woojin hurried first with Jinyoung following him. As they got inside the car, Woojin started it and drove to the Police station. He was worried that Jihoon might get hurt. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to him.

 

They were silent on their way for a long time. Jinyoung kept focusing on the road, then hesitated a moment, evidently debating within himself whether he would talk or not. Until he finally decided to break that silence, “I wasn’t worried at first…” He said, and Woojin gave him a quick glance, “What do you mean?”

“This is not the first time Jihoon goes to a police station, but he wouldn’t stay there for such a long time, they usually call us after 3 days, but it’s been a week now, so I am worried.”

Woojin gripped the steering wheel more tightly, and Jinyoung looked at him, “Richard called me yesterday and asked me to look for Jihoon everywhere, but I couldn’t find him” He turned to Woojin. “We should tell him; you know.” 

“I will tell him myself” Woojin kept his eyes on the road.

“You shouldn’t have pushed him that far.”

“I know; I am sorry” Again Woojin glanced at him, and that glance convinced Jinyoung that he indeed regretted whatsoever he did.

However, Jinyoung was still curious to know what happened, he couldn’t help it, “What did you tell him exactly?”

“I would rather keep that to myself” Woojin answered.

Jinyoung shut his mouth and looked again at the road.

 

New York streets were crowded as usual; that it took them almost 17 minutes to their destination; and finally, they got there at 12:30. Woojin parked in the assigned spot, and both left the car. 

Once they were inside, a policeman turned at the door and called Jinyoung as he approached him. “I was literally going to call Richard,” He said.

“Is Jihoon here?” Jinyoung asked him.

“Unfortunately, he is not.” 

Woojin sank to the ground as the worst thoughts, and possibilities again swam to the surface of his mind. “Where is he?” Jinyoung asked.

“That’s what I was gonna tell Richard. He’s in New Jersey’s Police Station.”

Both Woojin and Jinyoung glanced at each other. Very surprised. “What is he doing there?” Jinyoung asked once again.

“Since Richard talked to me yesterday, he told me to look for him in all the stations because you know Jihoon.”

“And….?” Jinyoung asked. 

“And I found him there, they said he fought with someone in a bar that was close from that station…”

“Ugh, Jihoon….”

“What does that mean… Why is he there?” Woojin asked, but no one answered. 

“He doesn’t have his phone and refused to talk, so they kept him there. They were about to move him to the court.”

 

At that moment, everything became strange, confused, and misty in Woojin’s eyes. He couldn’t understand why Jihoon would go there? A flow of questions kept wandering his mind that he couldn’t talk, comment or ask anything. He solely stood there with wide eyes opened.

“I will go there,” Jinyoung said.

“Good luck with that.” The policeman gave a smile to him, “I’ve already told them that someone will be there today to get him out. Just call me if you need anything” He added and then walked away.

 

They both walked out of the station and hurried towards the car. Woojin started it, and they drove off. Whatever was going on, he hoped Jihoon would at least be fine.

Woojin was still unable to shake a sense of guilt, thinking that this was his own mistake, and no one should fix it but himself. Yet, he couldn’t help to feel scared. What if Jihoon doesn’t want to see him? What if he hates him? Because most likely that would be the case.

Jinyoung was really worried that he kept staring at the road and didn’t talk at all. Woojin could tell that. However, there were so many questions for which he needed answers. “Can you tell me?” He asked, still keeping his eyes on the road.

“What?” Jinyoung looked at him.

“Why do you think he went there?”

“He would always end up in such places whenever he breaks down or misses his pills,” Jinyoung said, looking at his window. “And I guess you broke him.”

Woojin’s heart pounded at this remark, but he didn’t say anything.

“I am not sure what you said, but the last time someone pushed him, Jihoon ended up in the hospital.”

Woojin’s head turned suddenly, his bewildered gaze lasted a second and then went back to the road. “What happened?” He asked as he stopped the car at the side.

“Why did you stop?”

“Just tell me Jinyoung!” His tone suggested impatience, so Jinyoung decided to tell him.

“One of the doctors brought up things that happened in the past, making Jihoon gets a tantrum that he destroyed everything in that room and then lost his consciousness when he hurt his head. They took him to the hospital, but he got out as soon as he woke up, and that day he attacked a group of people and got arrested. Richard had to pay a lot of money to get him out. That policeman who we met, helped us so many times already.”

 

Once again, Woojin could feel his heart sinking to the ground, as he vividly remembered the moment Jihoon almost lose his consciousness next to him. He couldn’t say anything for the thousandth time this day, that he only started the car again, and drove away.

Thirty-five minutes later, they reached New Jersey’s police station. Jinyoung stepped inside first as Woojin followed, he approached a policeman, “Is Park Jihoon here?”

“Finally…” The policeman let out a sigh of relief, “Follow me” He walked, and they followed. “That guy didn’t say anything at all, we could barely know his name, he didn’t even have a phone.” He said as he walked to where Jihoon was.

 

The moment they stepped into the police custody, Woojin’s heart lurched and pounded unmercifully seeing Jihoon sitting there, his arms hugging his knees to his chest. He didn’t seem to notice them. His eyes open and staring blankly at the wall. “Jihoon?” Jinyoung called, but the latter seemed not to hear anything.

The policeman opened the door, “I will wait outside” He said then left.

Jinyoung walked inside, approaching Jihoon. “Hey, are you okay?” He asked, quietly. Jihoon looked at him for a few seconds. “J…Jinyoung?” he blinked with surprise.

“Let’s get up okay?” Jinyoung whispered as he helped him get up.

Woojin remained standing by the door, watching with ached heart.

The moment Jihoon looked up, he met his gaze.

“What are you doing here?” A fit of sudden anger bubbled within him. “What is he doing here?” He shifted his gaze towards Jinyoung who held him, “Hey calm down.”, but Jihoon pushed him away and walked fast, approaching Woojin. “What the hell are you doing here?” Jihoon was very angry that Woojin could see the flush mounting to his cheeks; his eyes were sharp, questioning.

Indeed, Woojin hadn’t the courage to face him; so he wished he could leave, but he didn’t. “ANSWER ME!” Jihoon yelled and tried to grasp Woojin’s collar, but the latter was quick and held his hand, hard enough to stop him. His touch shocked Jihoon a hot twinge of electricity that he froze for a second. “Calm down Jihoon” Woojin’s tone sounded soft and womanly.

Jihoon tried to jerk his hand free, but the other merely tightened his grip. “I am sorry” He whispered in a really concerned voice. 

Jihoon glared at him for a moment. Huh! Concern? He wouldn’t believe it.

He finally jerked off his hand and turned to Jinyoung. “Wait outside!” Jinyoung was confused and didn’t move. “GET OUT JINYOUNG!”

“Ok!! I will!! just calm down” He said as he walked passed them. They both watched him walking outside, closing the door behind. 

Jihoon's gaze focused back on Woojin.

 “I was worried…” The latter spoke first.

“Did you think I would hurt myself?” Jihoon interrupted in a stern tone.

“I know you wouldn’t hurt yourself,” Woojin said with downcast eyes and a guilty face.

 

There was something in Woojin’s tone, something in his glance that made Jihoon’s heart squeezed to breaking point and made that odd pain more intense. He couldn’t understand what he was feeling, but he could tell that he hated it. “Look Park Woojin…I don’t fucking care what you’re gonna tell Richard and how. But those sessions are over. And if you tell anyone what happened there, I will fucking kill you.”

With these words Jihoon opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind.

Woojin wouldn’t blame him. He couldn’t blame him one a bit. Now; however, he had no idea how to fix whatever he did, which drove him completely insane. He couldn’t bear to look in the mirror the previous days, because whenever he did, he would see the old person he used to be, the one who killed his sister. And he just couldn’t bear that thought.

Ruffling his hair, he walked towards the door and opened it. As expected, Jihoon and Jinyoung just left. So he headed to his car and drove off.

 

...

One day has passed, and it was Monday, after eight in the evening. Sungwoon had been working for almost 5 hours, and then he stopped when he couldn’t focus anymore. He opened his phone and looked at the email once again that had been sent to him in the morning, it was saying that he didn’t need to come because Jihoon wanted to use the dancing club, so it was closed. He was okay with that, but he couldn’t stop himself from going. He wanted to see Jihoon because many questions wandered his head for days right now; thus he wanted to ask him.

Jihoon spent the whole day inside his dancing club, after telling the receptionist to send emails for everyone that the club is closed today and to go home. Even though he didn’t dance much, he laid there most of the time, thinking. There was a knock at the door, making Jihoon turned around, he saw Sungwoon standing there, and he gestured him to come over, and the latter opened the door and stepped in.

 

“Didn’t they send you an email that the club is closed today?” Jihoon asked him as he was getting up.

“They did,” Sungwoon said, approaching him. “But I came for you.”

“Oh! You could just call”

“I actually wanted to talk in person.”

“Yes?” Jihoon rose an eyebrow, tucking his hands in his pockets.

“Why did you say that Daniel is in love with me?”

Jihoon gave a sarcastic smile after he sensed frustration from the other. “Did you come all the way to ask me this question?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Sungwoon told him in a serious note.

Letting out a sigh, Jihoon walked towards his bag, that was laid on the floor and sat down next to it. “Because it’s obvious,” he said, eyeing Sungwoon.

“You don’t even know him!”

By that, Jihoon let out a chuckle. “Did he tell you that he doesn’t love you?”

“He said nothing.”

“Then why are you so tensed up?" 

“I don’t know…I just hate the fact you act like you know everything.”

“I actually know everything. I am not faking it.”

Sungwoon laughed hard at the remark.

“I will prove you that he is in so fucking love, as much as you are.”

 

At that moment the door suddenly opened, and they both looked at it. Hyunsuk stepped in. “Did I interrupt you guys?” He said with a note of laughter.

“Oh! Hi Hyunsuk. Not at all, come in” Jihoon told him as he got up.

Hyunsuk studied Sungwoon for a moment as the latter only smiled at him, and was a bit nervous. He couldn’t precisely determine what the wrong was with this man that bothered him this much. He didn’t feel comfortable whenever he saw him.

“So, they told me you closed the dance club for today. Is there anything wrong?” He asked, eyeing Jihoon with a bit of curiosity.

“Nothing is wrong, I just wanted to have the club for me,” Jihoon said.

Hyunsuk walked around a bit as he wandered his eyes on everything that was in the practice room. As if he was trying to spot any difference in Jihoon’s stuff. “So where did you disappear?” His gaze focused back on Jihoon.

At this moment, Jihoon glanced at Sungwoon, and then back at Hyunsuk as if he’s unintentionally implying that he couldn’t talk while Sungwoon was there. By that, the latter smiled, “Am… I’m leaving” He walked, but Hyunsuk stopped him. “Wait,” He said, and Sungwoon looked at him.

 “What if you guys give a dance performance together this Friday?”

They both gazed at him.

“I guess it will be great. What do you think, Jihoon?”

Jihoon hummed as he thought about it for moments, then a smirk worked its way up his lips, he looked at Sungwoon. “I think it will be perfect.”

“But we both have different dance styles; you are a contemporary dancer.”

“Don’t worry, I just got an idea for the performance in my mind.”

Sungwoon was confused a bit. But the latter only gave him a wink. Yet, it was hard to get Jihoon sometimes. But whatever he had on mind, Sungwoon became worried. “Just come tomorrow morning, and I will tell you about it.”

 "Fine” Sungwoon said and left.

“Ugh, Hyunsuk…” Jihoon ran a hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. “Don’t ask such questions in front of him.” He said, sitting back on the floor.

“I thought you guys close.” He said and walked towards the mirror.

“No, we are not. You know I trust no one.” Jihoon said, stretching one leg in front of him and resting his arm on his other knee.

Hyunsuk stared at himself in the mirror and fixed his tie. “So where did you disappear?” He asked.

“I was in the police station.”

 The latter turned and looked at him, not quietly surprised. “Another fight?”

“Kinda fight, I guess. I can’t remember; clearly, I was drunk.”

“Alright,” Hyunsuk muttered. “If you have problems, you can talk to me you know.” He added.

“Thanks, but I got no problems. And If I do, I will tell you.” Jihoon said, smiling.

“Dongtan is worried about you. Did you talk to him?”

“No, not yet. But I will meet him at the night club later.”

“Great then.” Hyunsuk said, “So you’re sure you’re okay?” He asked once more. Yet his eyes were wandering for the thousandth time.

Jihoon seemed not to notice Hyunsuk’s anxiety. “Yeah, I am perfect.”

“How long have you been in the police station?” Hyunsuk was now looking at him.

“Five days, I guess.”

 The latter hummed in response. “Alright. I will leave you now. Take care of yourself.” He told him and then smiled. Jihoon solely nodded and waved at him.

 

…

It was dark outside when Woojin realized that he’s in front of Jihoon’s night club. How he got there? All he remembered was that he couldn’t sleep and decided to take a ride a bit and what came after, was pretty ambiguous. Those days perhaps were the worst since he ever got in the United States. He thought he was over getting depressed after those dark days in which his sister died, but not anymore.

Since it was Monday, the night club wasn’t very crowded like on weekends. Woojin walked inside after getting his id checked, looking carefully around; because he wouldn’t want to bump into Jihoon. Even though he wanted to tell him he’s sorry again, and again, and again, until he would make sure Jihoon forgives him.

 He was totally screwed, he knew it. Indeed, he knew it from the first time he felt guilt, from the day he hurt Jihoon and saw nightmares about his sister. And what screwed him even more, was the fact that even though he knew both of Jihoon and Jiwoo’s cases were different, he still remembered her, and remembered how hard those days were.

So yeah, he didn’t want to bump into Jihoon; because even saying sorry for million times wouldn’t make any difference. It was not like he cared! He didn’t, and he wouldn’t care about Park Jihoon, but he wanted to stop whatever he was feeling. It was hard enough that he could get himself out of that state when his sister died. And now he was there again, feeling depressed, frustrated, and guilty. Above all, he got back to drinking, which is the thing he hated the most. Right this moment; however, he wasn’t drunk, not even a bit. Yet, coming all the way to Jihoon’s night club without even realization, made him seemed like one.

Woojin was wearing a pulled up hoodie, dressing in black. He headed towards the bar, making sure that the hood of his sweatshirt covered his face. He sat there and began randomly playing with his phone as if he was trying to get himself out of his muddled thoughts. Of course, it wasn’t entirely successful, that many questions started wandering his mind. What if Jihoon saw him? What would he do? Or even say? Would anything he would even say change the way he’s feeling?

“What would you like to drink sir?” Woojin heard the bartender asked him. He looked up at him for a moment. “Am mm… Vodka?” He said, not giving a real shit about that specific drink.

There Woojin spent the next hour drinking.

Looking over the nightclub it was almost empty with perhaps five people sitting at the tables. Woojin gazed around at the place and then got back to his phone. He didn’t drink much, but it still considered more than the usual; which is the exact amount that would make him swing between drunkenness and sobriety. He didn’t like to be in such a state, but now, he didn’t care about anything other than the pain he was feeling.

 

The front door opened and he could hear footsteps. But then there were voices. He immediately figured out that one of those voices belonged to Jihoon. The one he wanted to avoid and still came all the way to his place.

He didn’t turn and kept his head low, staring at his phone.

“So do you feel better?” Donghan asked when they both sat down at one of the tables behind Woojin. Jihoon only sighed and didn’t answer. The other hummed, nodding his head as if he knew what Jihoon meant. “Do you want a drink?”

“No I am fine, just go get yourself one,” Jihoon told him and looked at his phone. He didn’t want to come, but Donghan insisted on seeing him, so, he met him here in the night club because if they got home they would perhaps have sex and he wasn’t in the mood for that. He wasn’t even in the mood to see Donghan, but he already hid himself for days by now, and that was enough.

Woojin didn’t look back at Jihoon, not even once, he was debating within himself what should he do, struggling the urge to talk. And during those moments, Donghan came at the bar next to him and ordered a martini. The bartender nodded to him and started making his drink. They both kept their attention at his hands as he mixed the beverages.

Woojin hated Donghan from the first time he saw him, and yet, there was no logical explanation to his feelings, but he couldn’t stand to even look at his face.

Finally, Donghan got his drink and went back to where Jihoon was.

Both Jihoon and Donghan were close from the bar, Woojin could hear their talk; however, they weren’t talking much that he from time to time thought they already had gone. He wanted to turn and look at Jihoon, but he couldn’t. “You didn’t tell me…” Donghan began, and Jihoon looked at him. “Tell you what?”

“Did you disappear because of what happened during our sex?” Donghan asked, and Woojin’s heart pounded. Yet, he stayed still.

"No, it was something else,” Jihoon muttered in a low voice. Woojin could barely hear him.

“Are you really okay?” Donghan asked.

“I can’t even count the number of times you asked me this question. My head hurts Donghan, just stop.” 

“But I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

“No, you don’t. You only want to fuck me.” Jihoon said, and Woojin was shocked. He tightened his grip on his phone.

“I won’t deny it. Yes, I want us to make love because I miss you." 

Jihoon let out a tired chuckle. And shit, he sounded so unbelievably sexy that Woojin’s heart skipped a beat. “You meant you miss fucking me” Jihoon muttered once again, quietly and peaceably. “You know it isn’t true,” Donghan said and drank a bit.

“I was gone for one week only though, how could you miss me in such a short time,” Jihoon said, breathing softly. He was calm in a way that seemed a bit odd, but not quite new. He would act like this sometimes, and Donghan wouldn’t lose such opportunities to get Jihoon in bed with him. And since Jihoon hadn’t gotten mad yet, Donghan might still have a chance to do so. Thus he moved a bit closer, wondering how close he would have to get before Jihoon stops him. But the latter didn’t; indeed he gave no shit and let him do whatever he wanted. “You know I would fuck you every day and still miss you more, right?” 

“I know, but I am not in the mood.”

“Oh really?” Donghan asked and kissed him on his cheek, then on his chin. “You sure?” He almost whispered, and Woojin could barely hear them. Donghan trailed kisses down Jihoon’s neck. And the latter solely let him.

Donghan sucked on his neck, loud enough for Woojin to hear. “I know you miss me Donghan, but I am really not in the mood so please stop,” Jihoon said in a tired tone. However, he didn’t push him as always that Donghan kept kissing him.

Jihoon often let him do such things, and today was one of those days in which he would perhaps give in after a while, and have sex. “But I want you…” Donghan whispered again between his kisses, trying to change Jihoon’s mind.

 

At that moment, Woojin finally stood up, turning around. Anger was burning through him. He pushed the hood back, revealing his face. Jihoon looked up at him, and their eyes met.

Jihoon was shocked. He pushed Donghan who turned his gaze at Woojin, confused. “Woojin?” Jihoon asked.

The latter headed towards them. “He told you to stop, didn’t he?” He asked Donghan in a sharp tone.

Jihoon looked startled but didn’t say anything.

“Who are you and what the fuck are you saying?” Donghan turned an icy glare on him.

Woojin glanced around at the very few people who were watching. Then he stepped towards Donghan. In a quick move, he grasped his arm and twisted it, making him groan in pain.

Jihoon widened his eyes, he was stunned.

“I asked a question.” He said through clenched teeth with a look of distaste.

“LET GO MY HAND” Donghan cried, trying to jerk his arm out of Woojin’s grip.

“He told you to stop, and you fuckin didn’t,” Woojin stated, tightening his grip on him.

Jihoon stood there. A smirk began to play on his shapely lips as he watched Woojin.

"What the hell are you saying he’s my boyfriend and I do whatever I want; it’s none of your business” Donghan shouted, still struggling to free his arm.

Woojin’s gaze shifted to Jihoon but halted when he saw the smirk on the latter lips. “The fuck I was thinking…” He said, his brows furrowing into one as he released his grip on Donghan’s arm. “You like this, don’t you?” Woojin asked.

Donghan was about to hit him, but Woojin grasped his arm again, stopping him “Do you want to die?” He glared at him.

“Donghan, stop it,” Jihoon said, and he jerked his arm but stopped. “Leave us alone,” Jihoon told him.

“Who is he? Is he one of those people you slept with and then thought he owns you?”

“Don’t make me repeat my words Donghan.” He was mad, but there was a kind of satisfied expression on his face.

Woojin kept his eyes still on him.

Donghan bit on his lips, he was furious but left anyway.

“I actually pity you Park Jihoon, and I only came here because of what I did to you before."

Hearing those words, Jihoon was shocked.

Woojin could clearly see his expression, but he continued anyway, “So don’t be full of yourself, even though I don’t blame you, because seeing so many men around you, wanting you, perhaps made you think that everyone is the same.” He halted, his eyes studied Jihoon for a moment, “Anyway since I see that you are okay, there is no need for me to keep checking on you or even apologizing again.”

Jihoon managed in a way to change his expression, folding his hands over his chest and giving Woojin a smug smile. He wouldn't break down; those words were nothing.

“You asked me once if I am attracted to men; the answer to your question is yes, I am. But you are not one of them, and you will never be.” Woojin’s tone was dry. He stepped closer to Jihoon, “And by the way, I know how bad you want me Park Jihoon; and I know you’re dying to get me to fuck you,” he whispered, his voice was low and husky. Jihoon shivered, he was close that he could feel his breath, warm in his face. “But you won’t get what you want,” Woojin added as his penetrating gaze prowled over Jihoon’s face and pounced on his eyes for the last time before he finally left.

 

Jihoon remained there in absolute bewilderment.

 

After a few moments, he breathed in and out deeply, stepping back to where he was sitting. He glanced around, nobody was looking at him. Slowly, he sat down. His eyes were sparkling with arrogance. He breathed once again, but then he felt his breath racing.

By the smug look on his face, the cold, listless gaze fixed itself upon nothing. His breath came faster. His gaze shifted to Donghan’s drink, He took the martini and gulped it down, and then, when he finished it, he slapped the glass on the table, making everyone startled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me keep writing T^T
> 
> if you could tell me your opinion write down what you think.
> 
> Thank you for those who still read this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ^^
> 
>  
> 
> For those who don't know anything about contemporary dance male duet. It will be more helpful to check some videos on YouTube. 
> 
> I am not that good in describing dancing scenes; however, I wish whatever I wrote is not bad.

_**Back to 2012,** _

Woojin reached the exit onto the roof of his high school and pushed it open. This place had been his own hideaway from everything that bothered him, including the previous meeting with the school principal. It wasn’t the first time though; he should have been used to this by now. What bothered him; however, wasn’t the principal’s bragging to which he had used to listen. It was for the reason they dragged his mother and his sister to that meeting. Also, the way the principle had changed the topic from why they brought him, to his sister and her good manners. Along with usual nonsense, that he should act like Jiwoo and be like her, and how she’s the top of her classmates and he wasn’t.

The reason they brought him to the principal office, was the fight in which he got himself. He didn’t regret it, although he shouldn’t have involved himself in such situations.

Woojin hated to see a kid beaten up. No matter what was the reason, he would interfere and help those kids. Not because he cared, he didn’t care at all. He solely hated seeing such scenes in which a strong person would show up while beating a weak one. Also, because he specifically hated that group, who would beat up kids only for fun. He would start to fight with his friends, and beat the shit out of each one of that group. To be more specific, Woojin didn’t see himself as a good guy; he was convinced that he was bad but to an extent. Maybe because all of his friends were kinda assholes, or perhaps they would do stupid things for fun including making fun of their teachers. But whatever they did, they would never beat innocent kids.

Those fights had been going on until the last year in his high school when he fell in love with one of those students in that group. Hyungseob was a bit different though, he didn’t like the way the group dealt with students, and the way they set some silly rules that everyone should follow, along with many other things he found stupid. Yet, he didn’t talk or leave them, until the day he got interested in Park Woojin and in how ambiguous he was.

In spite of everyone inside his group, he left them and went to Woojin, then they became more than friends.

However, the group wanted to take their revenge. At first, they couldn’t, because Park Woojin was one of those people that nobody could beat him, and also because Hyungseob had always been stuck with Woojin, so they couldn’t touch him. Nothing seemed to work, no matter how hard they tried to get Hyungseob alone. Until the day when they took advantage of Woojin’s disappearance, they then beat Hyungseob to the existent that he got in the hospital. That day Woojin was with his sister, she needed him. And he was outraged that he wasn’t there for his boyfriend.

He then beat the shit out of them, one by one, which is the reason he had been called to the principle’s office. Woojin stood on the roof, puffing on his cigarette as if sucking in a lung full of chemicals might somehow help matters. Anger still burning inside him for so many reasons; for one, because his mother had so much work and even got here for something that he considered trivial. For another, Hyungseob was in the hospital, and he couldn’t be there for him.

His sister yet was different, she was depressed in a way that seemed strange, he didn’t ask her anything. Perhaps, anger prevented him, since she was the reason for which he wasn’t with Hyungseob. What mattered him the most, right now, was Hyungseob and his situation. He ignored Jiwoo totally, and since that day, it’s been a month, and he never talked to her.

Hyungseob went out of the hospital, and after a few days, it was the day he would never forget when he came home and saw his mother crying and screaming.

There was an ambulance waiting outside his house, and he saw a team of paramedics holding a body that was covered. At first, he thought that this person might be his grandma because she was sick. His tears started coming out of his eyes, he put his hands over his mouth. But then, he saw his grandma, hugging his mom as she was crying. His heart sank again, as he thought of his dad. Maybe it was him. Eventually, his legs started to weaken, and his lungs began to burn with the lack of oxygen, as his chest heaved. But! His dad came out; he was crying while talking with a policeman. What was happening! Who was there in that pall?

Now that he heard his mom screaming with Jiwoo’s name, he fell on the floor and bowed his head as tears flowed uncontrollably, turning to sobs.

Three months later, Hyungseob had to leave the city for college. He then broke up with him, because according to Hyungseob, a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work.

**_Back to 2019_ **

Jihoon was there again, inside his nightmares.

He saw his mother, rising a gun towards him to kill him, but then, as usual, she decided not to shot him and shot herself instead. He saw that weird man, who looked familiar but he couldn’t see his face clearly. He also felt the same darkness that surrounded him whenever he got inside that specific nightmare.

This time; yet, was different.

Away from his mother and that mysterious man, he saw someone else. It was weird because of all the people he usually met, he saw Park Woojin standing in front of him, not saying anything.

His right hand was extended towards him. Jihoon looked at it and had the urge to hold it, so he tried to take it, but couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried to left his hand, nothing seemed to work. Woojin smiled gently to him, his hand was still outstretched. Jihoon tried again, and again, but nothing worked. Then he saw Woojin’s expression changing, he wasn’t smiling anymore, he looked mad.

Once again, Jihoon tried to get his hand to move, but it was even harder than before. He looked at Woojin for a moment, trying to tell him that he couldn’t move his hand, that something was preventing him. Yet, his voice came faint, and Woojin didn’t seem to hear anything. As if he wasn’t there, as if there was a wall between them.

Woojin lowered his hand and looked disappointed, not mad anymore. His eyes held a blank stare, they seemed to look at nothing in particular. Jihoon could see that look, and his heart squeezed in pain because no matter how hard he would scream or try to hold Woojin, the latter wouldn’t see him, he wouldn’t hear him.

Just like that, Jihoon stopped trying and watched Woojin finally walking away.

Jihoon woke up in a sweat, the blurred scenes from his nightmare fading. His heart was throbbing in such a weird state, that he didn’t understand what he saw precisely. He tried to recall his nightmare, he tried to get a sense of that strange scene. But nothing made sense to him. He breathed to calm his heart, his chest was tightening, making it hard to breathe.

Jihoon was tired of seeing those nightmares, tired of being afraid, and tired of ignoring everything and pretend like he was fine. Despite the words of the people around him.

  
And because he was exhausted, he let his heartthrob, made his chest tighten, and let the pain sweep through him, and closed his eyes again.

…

The sun rose bright and fair, and the morning was without a cloud. Sungwoon was on his way towards Jihoon’s dance club. He hadn’t told him his idea yet, but he was worried because everyone knew how crazy Jihoon could be. There was nothing to lose, which had been his own rule in life. Sungwoon would try everything. And now he was willing to do whatever Jihoon had in mind, as long as they pay him for it.   
He entered the dance club and found Jihoon dancing. He knocked on the door, and Jihoon gestured to him to get in, and he stepped inside, closing the door behind. “Finally…” Jihoon said, grabbing a towel and cleaned his sweat with it. “Yeah. So tell me, what do you have in mind for our performance?”

“I am fine thanks. What about you?” Jihoon said, a glint of humor in his eyes, making Sungwoon roll his eyes, “Wow, such a funny guy!” He said, putting his bag against the wall.   
“Anyway, Daniel needs to be there for our performance,” Jihoon said. He slowly sat up on the floor with a low groan. Sungwoon could now see how his eyes were. “Are you okay?”

“I am perfect.” He replied.

“You seemed like you haven’t slept a wink all night,” Sungwoon told him.

“Will you care if I answer yes?” Jihoon glanced back, his eyes mocking him. “No, I won’t,” Sungwoon replied, annoyed by the look on his face.

Jihoon started to chuckle.

“Whatever Jihoon, how do I bring Daniel to the night club?” Sungwoon asked in a harsh tone, wishing that Jihoon would take his question seriously.

Jihoon solely hummed, thinking for a few moments. “I’ll think about it later, right now let’s both practice together.”

Sungwoon nodded.

…

  
It was noon by the time Woojin reached Richard’s office. He stepped in as Richard welcomed him. “It’s been a long time since I saw you, Woojin,” He said as he shook hands with him. “Yeah, I know. I am sorry I’ve been so busy lately, projects and researches, you know.”

“Not to worry. How’s your day?” He asked, closing a file that was on his desk.

“Good so far. Thanks.”

“What about the sessions?” Richard asked. “I know what happened there, by the way.”

Woojin’s stomach lurched as he watched him, but Richard’s expressions were unreadable. “What do you mean?” He nervously asked.

“I know Jihoon stopped seeing you, and he got back to attacking people. I guess he stopped taking his medicines.” Richard told him.

“Actually no, it’s not the reason he stopped seeing me for,” Woojin said, and Richard’s raised an eyebrow. “I am responsible for his relapse,” Woojin replied confidently in a wasted attempt to hide his anxiety.

“What happened?” Richard asked, the expression on his face now, was a blend of question and concern.

“I did something that got him mad. That’s all I can say. But I came here to tell you not to talk to him about the attack he committed please.”

Richard kept his mouth shut and thought for a moment. “Okay…” He spoke, “I am not gonna force you to tell me what happened. Anyway, David came back, and he will take the sessions back the next week.”

He could tell that Richard was disappointed. But he never said anything. “I am sorry,” Woojin told him because he thought Richard at least deserved this apology, especially after what happened.

Richard only smiled at him. “That’s alright.”

Woojin excused himself and walked out of Richard’s office. The latter closed his eyes and kept thinking for a few minutes, then he picked up the phone and dialed David’s phone number. It was a short moment until David answered.

“Richard! Hi.”   
“Hello. How’s your day going?”  
“Good. What about you?”  
“Fine. I need you to come to the office right now. Is it possible?”  
“Yes sure. I will come.”  
“Thanks. I’ll be waiting for you.”  
…

A half hour later someone knocked on the door, and Richard let him in, knowing that David was coming, and immediately they greeted each other. “Finally,” David said, grinning.

“Yeah, I know!” Richard told him, pointing him to set on the chair.

“Hopefully there aren’t any problems,” David said. He adjusted himself on the seat, waiting for Richard’s reply.

“Look,” Richard said, resting his arms on the desk. “I’ve got an important job for you. I want you to meet Park Woojin, and try to find out if there is any problem regarding the sessions he had with Jihoon.”

David’s eyebrow rose as he tried to get any sense of whatever Richard was asking him. “What do you mean?” He asked, a little bit concerned.

“Woojin told me he was the reason for which Jihoon relapsed.”

“Oh!” David was surprised.

“Yeah, and I need you to find out what he did, he didn’t tell me, and I didn’t force him to do so. Therefore, I need you to meet him and try your best to know that thing he did.”

“Hmmm”

“Don’t ask Jihoon. I don’t want him to feel that he is exposed, he wouldn’t talk to any Doctor if he knew that Woojin told me something, so be careful.”

“Yeah, of course, I won’t let him know. So tell me what did exactly happen? And how did you find Jihoon?” David asked him, and the latter began telling him the whole story.

…

Sungwoon and Jihoon had finally finished creating the choreography for their performance. They kept practicing the steps Jihoon created all the time. And in each day Sungwoon would arrive home late, finding that Daniel had slept already. They couldn’t see each other properly; except for the time they attend classes together.

In Thursday night, Sungwoon got home late as usual; yet, this time, he found Daniel awake. He was sitting in the coach, and solely staring at his phone. Sungwoon looked around the room. The TV was on, but Daniel wasn’t paying attention to whatever was shown, making Sungwoon feel a bit worried about him, but Sungwoon also knew that he shouldn’t care. No matter how strong that sense of concern might be. So, he walked towards his room and totally ignored Daniel.

Jihoon hadn’t told him yet about his plan, and he didn’t know if he should trust him. But there was nothing to lose; which had been lately a rule he liked to follow. Daniel didn’t talk, so he stopped, fighting the urge to ask what was wrong with him and held the knob.

“ **I made you hate me.** ”

Hearing those words coming from Daniel, Sungwoon stopped and turned around. He found Daniel still staring at his phone’s screen. “ **What?** ” Sungwoon asked. He wasn’t sure that he had heard him correctly.

“ **I know you hate me, and I can’t blame you for that; because I led you to feel that way about me.** ” Now Daniel was looking at Sungwoon.

The latter was shocked. He couldn’t understand a thing he was saying. His mouth kept shut, and he remained still.

“ **Each day of my mom’s memory I would ask you to get out of our home. I even asked dad that I don’t want to see you on that specific day. But in the following years, you didn’t wait for me to kick you out anymore. You would leave in the morning with our driver.** ” Daniel paused a moment to take a deep breath. “ **But one day when we were in middle school, you had a flew to the extent that you couldn’t leave your bed. So, you wrote me a letter for the first time ever, and you said that you couldn’t leave and you were sorry. I remembered that you locked the door of your room and stayed there perhaps the whole day…** ” Daniel paused once again, his voice broke a little, and he went silent. After a moment, he bit his lower lip. “ **I told Dad that you went to our friend; I didn’t tell him you were sick because I wanted him to spend the night with me. But then, we found you in your bed, and you didn’t wake up. You were unconscious. And since that day, I didn’t apologize to you and Dad never knew that I knew about your situation. That’s why I could understand why you hate me.** ”

Sungwoon stayed silent, shocked from his words. “ **But you hate me too, so we’re even.** ” He said quietly.

  
Daniel let out a chuckle and didn’t say anything. Because whatever he might say would be the silliest thing. Especially if that thing was his confession. “ **Yeah.** ”

“ **Why are you telling me this now?** ” Sungwoon asked.

“ **I have no idea. I was staring at Mom’s picture, and I suddenly remembered those days.** ”

For the last few moments, Sungwoon stayed there and waited for him to add anything. But there was nothing. He then entered his room and closed the door.

  
…

Later in the morning, David woke and lay awake thinking of his new mission. He hadn’t thought about what to say to Woojin and how to ask him about what happened. But what frustrates the most the fact that he knew from the beginning that those sessions would never work. His phone suddenly rang, and he saw Jihoon's number flash on the screen. He picked it up.

“Yes, Jihoon!”  
“Hi, David! How have you been?”  
“Good. What about you?”  
“Never been better. Uncle Richard had just told me that you arrived. You didn’t call me.”  
“Oh, I am sorry Jihoon! but I was planning to get to the dance club and meet you there, this noon.”  
“Unfortunately, I won’t be there. I have a performance today with one of the dancers. If you’re free to come to the nightclub tonight at 10.”  
“Sure, that sounds great. I'll meet you there tonight. It’s been a really long time since I saw you performing.”  
“Yeah I know; I have been lazy lately! But I am back.”  
“I am thrilled to hear that.”  
“Thanks, David. So see you there then.”  
“Sure, see you too.”

David lay back down and stared at the ceiling, he then took his phone and started dialing Woojin’s number that Richard sent earlier that day. “Hello?” Woojin answered.

“Is this Park Woojin.”  
“Yes. Who’s this?”  
“Hi. I am David, the consultant at the University. Richard might have talked to you about me.”  
“Oh. Yeah. Hi”  
“How’s it going?”  
“Good. Thanks, what about you?”  
“So far so good. Ammm…I actually called you because I want us to meet. Are you free tonight?”  
‘Ummm…Yeah totally. Just tell me the address, and I will meet you there.”  
“Great then! I will send you the location via text. Be there at 10.”  
“Sure.”  
“See you there.”  
“See you.”

Woojin hung up and tucked the phone away, surprised. Why would David want to meet him? Was it because of what he said to Richard about Jihoon? Probably that would be the case, and he should be careful not to say anything that might irritate Jihoon. No matter how arrogant he could be, he didn’t deserve that treatment. Woojin would never forget that he was the reason for which Jihoon broke down. He should always remember it.

A text message suddenly popped up, and Woojin opened his phone and checked it. He was startled because the address David had just sent was Jihoon’s nightclub. David wrote, (This is BB’s night club. I will see you there at 10.) And that was it. Woojin kinda regretted saying yes. But he wished at least Jihoon wouldn’t be there.

…

By night, of course, the perplexity became infinitely greater. Woojin wore one of his black hoodies with tight black jeans. He had no idea what he would say if David asked him about Jihoon’s situation. And he was afraid that Jihoon might see them together, thinking that he would tell David about what happened in their last session. He let out a sigh as he walked out of his apartment, heading towards his car.

It was almost ten when Woojin walked inside the nightclub. He made his way through the crowded place until he reached a table against the wall. He pulled out his phone, texted David his place. And then he waited there for almost 10 minutes until a man came towards him. “Are you Park Woojin?” The man asked.

“Yes! David, right?” Woojin extended his hand to shake his. “It’s really nice to meet you.”

“It’s my pleasure to meet you too, Woojin.” David took his hand. “How’s your day going?”

“Quite busy actually. I was preparing for my research next week. But I am happy to have the chance to take a break and enjoy the weekend.” Woojin told him, grinning as David sat down.

“You defiantly deserved a break,” David said with a smile.

“How’s your vacation. I hope you had rested well!” Woojin asked him, he was a bit nervous, but he tried to shake that feeling off.

“Yeah, it was really relaxing. I had wanted such a vacation since a very long time.”

“It’s really amazing that you could get such a chance in the middle of the semester.”

“Totally,” David said. “Wanna get some drink?”

“Yeah, of course.”

They both got up and walked towards the bar. “Richard told me about your experiences. I am really impressed.” David said once they got in the line.

“Thank you.” Woojin said, “I don’t actually have many experiences, but I’m trying to do my best.”

“Sure you do.”

Woojin tensed as they kept talking about his major and the experiences he had. And yet, David never mentioned Jihoon nor the fact that he took his place for the sessions.

…

Inside the backstage room, Jihoon was standing with Jinyoung. The latter saw the screen light up with a text message. “I just sent you Daniel’s number.” Jihoon said, “you know what to do?”

Jinyoung only nodded to him. “So you want me to focus the cam on the last part solely?”

“No idiot. I want you to record the whole thing, but zoom to the last part.” Jihoon spoke, his gaze focused on Jinyoung as he saved the number.

“Yeah got it. Do I need to write to him anything?” Jinyoung asked.

Jihoon hummed as he walked towards the mirror, he fixed his hair and stared at his face. Jinyoung kept watching him. “Wouldn’t it be more mysterious if you got a video of your boyfriend doing a thing with another man? A man you hate so fuckin much and without any comment?”

He spoke, smirking at himself in the mirror.

“Yeah, it would,” Jinyoung answered, not quite sure what he meant.

“Then, don’t write anything,” Jihoon said, finally turning to him.

“Does Sungwoon know about this?”

“Yeah he knows, but he doesn’t know what will happen in the last part.”

“Holy shit. He will kill you!”

“Yeah, but he will thank me later,” Jihoon said.

“He will if you’re still alive.”

The door opened, and Hyunsuk appeared in the doorway. His arm was wrapped around Sungwoon when they stepped inside. “I am really excited to see your performance guys.” He said, finally lifting his hand off Sungwoon’s shoulder.

The latter couldn’t seem to shake the discomfort feeling off. No matter how hard Hyunsuk tried to get close to him, Sungwoon never felt comfortable. “I am excited too that I invited David,” Jihoon said, and there was a moment of silence.

Hyunsuk’s expression was wary, but he said nothing. “Oh, is he here?” Jinyoung asked.

“Yeah, I guess he’s already here, he said he would come at 10 PM.” Jihoon answered.

Nobody could notice Hyunsuk’s face except for Sungwoon. He knew his sense was always correct; however, he wished it would fail this time. “Are you ready, Sungwoon?” Jihoon asked, stopping the flow of his thoughts. “Yes, I am.”

“When will you go on the stage?” Hyunsuk asked them.

“Eleven,” Jihoon answered, looking at his watch.

“Where is Donghan by the way. I didn’t see him today.”

“He’s mad.”

“Why? What happened?”

“A long story.”

Hyunsuk only shook his head. “Okay then. Good luck guys. Gonna go get some drink.”

“Thanks,” Jihoon said.

…

Both of David and Woojin grabbed the closest table to the bar that was available. They kept talking about everything except for Jihoon, making Woojin wonder if David would ever open the session's topic. The conversation wasn’t dull as Woojin thought though; David was indeed, a fun guy.

While they were talking, Hyunsuk was approaching them. He stood in front of David, his smile was strained. “David?” He asked, not entirely happy. And David also appeared to be the same. But he didn’t smile. Woojin noticed how his expression had changed.

It was apparent that David didn’t like this man, whoever he was.

“Hi, Hyunsuk…” David said, his tone seemed annoyed. Woojin kept watching the way they were looking at each other and stayed silent. “It’s been such a long time since I last saw you here.”

“Yeah… it is.” David answered, closing any possible conversation that might keep going between them. He specifically hated two-faced people, and he didn’t want to be one. Which is why he didn’t want to keep talking with Hyunsuk, knowing that they really hate each other. Yet Woojin didn’t know anything and David wasn’t planning to show any either.

Hyunsuk gave a wicked smile and shifted his gaze to Woojin. “Aren’t you the one who took David’s place at the college?”

Woojin was surprised. “Yes!” He replied.

“So you both are discussing Jihoon’s issue, in Jihoon’s nightclub! Interesting!” Hyunsuk’s tone was sarcastic.

A wry smile twisted David’s lips, his gaze faintly annoyed. “Didn’t Jihoon tell you he invited us to come here and see his performance?” David asked in an attempt to provoke Hyunsuk.

Woojin’s eyes widened.

Even though it was true that Jihoon invited him only, David was irritated enough to add Woojin to Jihoon’s invitation. For one thing, David knew how hard Hyunsuk had always tried to show to Jihoon that he didn’t belong to David and Richard and that they were against whatever he did, although they were not, and he wanted to show him that Woojin and Jihoon are in a good relationship despite those sessions. For another thing, David understood how much Jihoon respected and loved Hyunsuk, so whatever Hyunsuk might say about this, Jihoon would most likely believe him, which was why he would never show Jihoon the dilemma between them. “Oh!” Hyunsuk said. “Anyway, it was nice to meet you.” He added, smiling to Woojin who was still surprised.

It was almost 11 when Hyunsuk walked to another table to meet some people he knew. David, in the meantime, didn’t tell Woojin the truth. Because, in fact, he thought it would be an excellent idea to postponed the mission Richard asked him for. he wouldn’t ask Woojin about what happened in the session from the first meeting to earn his trust, at least to tell him about what happened in that session.

The performance time was approaching, and Woojin was still shocked and curious wondering why Jihoon would ask David to invite him here? And What performance he would show tonight?

During that, lights went dim, just enough so no one would get hurt. But mostly all the lights were directed to the stage, indicating that the performance will start in a few moments. “Here we go, it’s been a long time since I saw Jihoon’s performance,” David told Woojin. “He’s really good at this, and I am really proud that he had something as dancing that could let him express his feelings. I guess it is one of the most important things that keep him going, you know.” David added.

Woojin only hummed in respond. Then he looked at David, “Who is Hyunsuk?”

David let out a heavy sigh, “Hyunsuk, as he claims, was a friend of Jihoon’s mother. Jihoon met him 4 or 5 years ago, and he became very close to him, that they are now partners of the nightclub and the dance club.”

Woojin only rose an eyebrow.

“Also his son, Donghan you might know him, is Jihoon’s boyfriend,” David added. Woojin was a bit surprised hearing this information. He only nodded his head, “I know him” He commented, “But, what do you mean by ‘he claims’? You don’t trust him, do you?”

David’s lips twisted into a smile. “Honestly, I don’t. But since Jihoon does, we have nothing to say or do.” He said and drank a bit.

Before Woojin could say anything, the music started, attracting their attention towards the stage. A song started playing, as two men appeared from each side, walking towards each other.

Jihoon was absolutely attractive, wearing tight black pants, and his chest was totally bare. Woojin could obviously see the blackbird tattoo in Jihoon’s back. On the other hand, Sungwoon was wearing tight white pants, and his face was covered with a black mask.   
A sound started,  
  
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no  
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no  
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no  
No no

Both were approaching each other, Woojin was curiously watching. They began to dance as they reach each other. By now they were almost one, as they moved together, jump together.

  
I look and stare so deep in your eyes  
I touch on you more and more every time…

Some people began shouting at the moment they touched each other. Every move made Woojin held his breath. “They are amazing, aren’t they?” David asked Woojin, but the latter was amused.

Got me looking so crazy right now  
Your love's got me looking so crazy  
Got me looking so crazy right now  
Your touch got me looking so crazy right now…

Their bare feet hammered the ground, jumping up and down, as they were moving together, and constantly touching each other. Woojin caught his breath, watching them. He had to get away, to think. Damn…He couldn’t look away, not a blink. He watched them. Watched the way they touched each other. No matter how hard he tried to control himself, his body still responded to every move Jihoon made. And fuck! He was hot. Woojin felt himself going crazy. Anger began burning inside him. Was that what Jihoon wanted him to see? Did he let David calls him only to see him touching another guy? Did Jihoon think he was that easy?

Woojin wanted to leave, but he couldn’t since David was there excited, shouting with the audience at every move they made.

The song was coming close to the end. Jihoon grabbed Sungwoon’s hair. The latter was startled, but before he could do or say anything, Jihoon tugged his head back. His neck lengthened and suddenly Jihoon’s tongue on Sungwoon’s throat as he allowed his tongue to trace a trail from his neck up to his chin.

Woojin was dumbfounded. People were screaming their lungs out. And he could swear that he saw a smirk on the other’s face, which drove him completely insane.

Lights on the stage went off. Everyone was clapping and shouting Jihoon’s name. Woojin suddenly stood up and excused himself to the restroom.

…

“ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?”

Sungwoon shouted at the moment they stepped inside the room. “You are mad right now, but you’re gonna thank me later.”

“What the heck are you talking about?” Sungwoon asked him. Jihoon was whipping his face with a towel. “I made sure that Daniel sees that.”

“What? Is he here!”

“No, but Jinyoung recorded the whole performance and sent it to him,” Jihoon spoke as if this was the most normal thing in the world, making Sungwoon’s anger grew much bigger.

“You fucking bastard.” He said.

“I told you I will prove you that he is in love with you so just wait and you will see it yourself.” Jihoon coldly told him.

He shouldn’t have trusted Jihoon. That was all he could think of. All he knew was that Daniel would be fucking mad, and perhaps he wouldn’t have the chance to know anything because even if Daniel loved him, he would probably hate him after seeing this. But what could he say or do? He agreed to this from the beginning, and he should bear all the consequences.

Sungwoon took a towel and started whipping his face, feeling exhausted, not because of the performance, but because he was literally tired from all of these feelings he had for Daniel. Holding them for so long was irritating enough for him, especially after living with him.

Jihoon sat there, not saying anything. He stretched his legs out, leaning against the back of the couch, and kept his gaze on Sungwoon as he gathered his stuff. Jihoon was indeed, tired too.

Donghan never spoke to him after what happened in the nightclub, but he didn’t care at all, he was busy creating the contemporary dance of the performance. However, he couldn’t stop thinking of what Woojin had told him before, and it bothered so fuckin much since every single word Woojin said was right. He wanted to have sex with him, he was attracted to him since ever he saw him, and it got on his nerves the way Woojin knew about it all, and still, he couldn’t make that happen.

Sungwoon walked out of the room and closed the door behind, and yet Jihoon kept his gaze straight, not seeing anything in particular. But anyone could say he was staring at something, deep inside his mind.

…

Later that night, the door suddenly opened, and Jihoon saw Woojin standing by the door. His heart skipped a beat, and his eyes opened wide. He couldn’t determine whether he was imagining things or seeing Woojin for real. The latter stepped inside, closing the door quietly, and locked it. “Woojin?” Jihoon asked, still not believing his own eyes. “What are you doing here? Why did you lock the door?” He stood up.

Woojin solely walked towards him, “it was such a great performance out there.” He stated, approaching him. Jihoon; yet, remained still. “You saw it.?” He questioned, a bit surprised that Woojin came to the nightclub again.

“Yeah.” Woojin finally stood just in front of him. The expression on his face was cold.

There was a hint of self-satisfied smirk started playing across Jihoon’s lips, thinking that Woojin seemed to lose the battle he refused to take. The conflict in which he would give up and have sex with him. Jihoon could see the lust in his eyes as they roamed his bare upper body. So, Jihoon took a step closer. He could smell the perfume on his skin. “So, why did you come here Woojin?” He whispered seductively.

Woojin smirked and took a step even closer. Jihoon could feel his warm breath on his face. “Why do you think I came here for?” He asked, his voice was deep and low, a thread of sound winding around Jihoon’s heart.

“I can see this, Woojin” Jihoon muttered, his eyes were focused on his lips. “I can see that you crave touching me.”

Woojin shifted his gaze at Jihoon’s upper bare body. His hand slid down and touched it, his fingertips trailing along with his abs. A cold shiver ran down Jihoon’s spine, making Woojin smirk. Jihoon could feel his adrenaline kicking in, could feel his heart doing a quick two steps. He had to remind himself to breathe. By now they were standing mere inches apart from one another. So close that Jihoon could feel Woojin’s breath skimming along his face.

Goosebumps of anticipation formed up and down Jihoon’s body, even his own breath became short. Slowly, Woojin’s fingertips traced up Jihoon’s neck, his breathing ragged and Jihoon could feel it. He could hear his heart pounding inside his ears. What was he waiting for? Why wouldn’t he kiss him already?

Those fingers finally sank into Jihoon’s hair, and Woojin’s eyes held him captive that Jihoon just couldn’t make himself look away. Perhaps he was afraid that if he did, all of this, the moment, would just fade away and vanish. Just like that nightmare of which Woojin disappeared. “ **You want this?** ” Woojin asked, this time in his own language. His voice was husky.

Holy fuck, Jihoon wanted this…wanted him…so much. “ **Answer me** ” Woojin whispered again, his lips were very close that Jihoon could taste them. But he didn’t want to admit it. Although he never wanted anyone in his entire life as much as he wanted Woojin. Yet, he wouldn’t admit it. Woojin’s other hand touched his cheek, and a shiver from Jihoon was his reward. “ **You want this…** ” Jihoon whispered, in Korean. Woojin was surprised. He didn’t think Jihoon would speak Korean again. “ **What are you waiting for Woojin?** ” He asked, resisting an argue to kiss him first.

“ **Answer me Jihoon.** ” There was no smile upon Woojin’s face, but there was something in his eyes that didn’t match the deadpan voice. Jihoon could see lust, he was sure, and he wanted Woojin to admit it already. But god…he just couldn’t hold it anymore, and finally, he captured his lips, crashing into him, hungrily, demanding. He broke off for a moment, “ **God… I want this… I want you.** ” Jihoon whispered, but Woojin took his mouth once more as if he owned him, and Jihoon wasn’t prepared for his onslaught. His touch made him dizzy. No, Woojin did. His musky scent surrounded him, dangerous, sexy, as he pressed his chest to Jihoon’s beating heart and consumed him entirely.

Jihoon never thought this would happen. Not like this, not when Woojin was the one who first came to him. Not when Woojin above him, around him, all over him, wanting him as much as he did. Woojin grabbed Jihoon’s wrists, and swept them over his head, forcing them against the wall as he stared at him, panting. “ **Did you think I am that easy?** ” Woojin asked, and held Jihoon’s chin with his other hand.

Jihoon’s heart sank, he was shocked. “ **Ha?** ” He was out of breath.

“ **You thought I would see your performance and then lose it and have sex with you?** ”

Jihoon was confused.

“ **Just give up, Jihoon** ” He whispered and loosened his grip on Jihoon’s wrists. He stepped back, his eyes studying him, every single part of him.

Jihoon couldn’t speak, he was surprised, trying to make any sense of what Woojin was saying.

But before he could ask or say something, Woojin opened the door and left.

For the second time, he left.

Just like that nightmare, he disappeared.

Jihoon stood there for moments as he tried to absorb anything from what just happened. He remembered the last time when Woojin told him he would never fuck him, and then he recalled the last moments when he kissed him and touched him. When he nearly had sex with him.

Woojin’s question began repeating in his mind, ‘Do You want this?’

Did he come here to make fun of him?

Before Jihoon realized the situation being created, he was broken in half. Woojin’s voice stood out in his mind, ‘I am sorry’ his voice that pretended to be so caring.

Why did he do that again to him?  
  
Too intense, the pain that he felt that moment. But it could be easier if that the only feeling he had. There were instead, fear, confusion, anger, and shame. With those mixed feelings, Jihoon began screaming and throwing everything in that room.

He never felt the pain of a broken heart as much as he did that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are really important to me.
> 
> So please write some if you like this chapter.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading ^^.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ^^
> 
> I am truly sorry for being so late in updating.
> 
> This month had been really hard for me cuz I had a lot of things going on and it was really hard to keep my focus on the fic. Even though my bad days helped me in writing some of the angst parts.
> 
> I tried my best to make this ch longer. 
> 
> Thank you for those who had been waiting for this update.

_**Back in time 1 hour ago,** _

 

Just after Jihoon’s performance. Woojin excused himself and walked to the restroom. He reached the door and quickly opened it, breathing heavily. He looked around as if asking what it meant. There were a couple of men who looked at him. “Dude is everything okay?” One of them asked, and Woojin only nodded as he walked towards the bathrooms, he entered one and locked the door. His breathing was shallow and fast; damn…he lost it.

The fact that watching Jihoon’s performance turned him on just like that, got him so mad. Indeed, he knew he was fucked up, totally fucked up. 

He recalled the scene where Jihoon licked Sungwoon’s neck on his mind. ‘Shit,’ he swore.

It just bothered him so fuckin much that he fell so hard for Jihoon; and yet, the latter knew about it all, and kept teasing him. What angered him the most was the way he asked David to call him to the nightclub, knowing that he would lose it if he saw the performance. He thought David would talk to him about the session, but it was just an invention to watch the performance. Fuck, he felt stupid. He was an idiot.

And goddamn; it was annoyingly right that it killed him, the way he touched Sungwoon, the way he licked his neck, the way he smirked.

But no. He won’t give in to him like that.

…

 

By the time Sungwoon reached the apartment, it had occurred to him that something wasn’t right. He had a feeling, and he couldn’t determine it. Maybe he felt that way because he knew Jihoon had sent Daniel the video. And perhaps he was afraid of Daniel’s reaction. With that in mind, he intentionally approached Daniel’s room. As he got close, he heard sounds coming from there. They were quite loud. He stopped by the door, worried, and then he heard Daniel screaming, “ **FUCK!** ” Something fell to the floor with a clatter and rustle, that he got intense, and couldn’t stop himself from opening the door.

The moment the door widened. He saw that the room was utterly messy. Daniel was packing his carry-on bag, randomly stuffing in his belongings. He was crying. “ **What are you doing…? What’s wrong?** ” Sungwoon asked, startled. His heart suddenly ached. He knew that something was wrong. But what was it? He walked towards Daniel. The latter looked at him. “ **D…dad…** ” His breathing was ragged, his frame shaking.

“ **What’s wrong!** ” Sungwoon was shocked as he watched Daniel handing his phone to him. He took it, and there was a video. He gave a glance to Daniel and opened it.

Daniel’s father appeared in the video, he smiled then opened his mouth to speak, [ **Hi, how’re you guys doing? I hope you’re doing well. There is something that I need to tell you… I know both of you gonna be mad at me. But I thought this is the best thing to do. However, right now, I think I was selfish by hiding it. So I will tell you right now; first, you should know I am fine, but I got something in my brain a few months ago. That day when I called you both I just knew about it. I was very emotional, and I didn’t want to tell you… Right now, I am in Germany, getting a treatment. And they’re doing their best. They told me I got cancer, but since they just discover it, the procedure will be straightforward. So at first, I thought hiding will be the right decision, but I guess it’s selfish, because if anything happened to me while you’re there. I think it will affect you in a very negative way. Anyway I just thought you should know, but I am really doing very well, and perhaps once I finish the treatment, I will come visiting you.** ]

The video ended. Sungwoon’s eyes were teary by now as he looked at Daniel. The latter was already crying. “ **We need to go**.” He said, and Sungwoon only nodded to him.

 

…

 

The room behind the nightclub stage had become a total mess, as everything was on the floor; broken vases, thrown chairs, and a broken table. Jihoon was looking right now at the mess he had just made, not entirely satisfied. There was something deep down inside his heart that hadn’t been healed yet, and perhaps will never be. Even though he broke every single thing in that room, anger still was burning inside him. Nothing seemed to calm his broken heart. And that was driving him crazy. The feeling of being used by the only man he ever wanted in his life hurt him so much. And now he just wanted to stop thinking.

The door suddenly opened. “What is happening?” Donghan asked at the moment he stepped in. 

Jihoon only shifted his gaze to him and didn’t say anything. The latter approached him, “Are you okay?” He asked, and the latter only released a weak smirk.

“Where have you been?” Jihoon finally spoke, questioning. His voice broke a bit, making Donghan widening his eyes for a split of a second, wondering, but he decided to ignore it. “I was mad, you know…but I thought…” Jihoon fisted the collar of Donghan’s jacket and tugged him down. He then captured his mouth with his own, shutting him down.

Donghan was really surprised, but goddamn…that was hot that he forgot everything that got him mad. He couldn’t deny that he’s graving Jihoon’s touch, Jihoon’s kisses, and even Jihoon himself as a freaking attractive whole. Jihoon was sucking, licking, demanding. How could Jihoon control him in such a simple way? How could all the angry feelings he felt the previous days, disappear just like this?

That night Jihoon was wild. And even though he had used to be like that, now, something was odd, something felt strange by the way he kissed him and wanted him.

However, Donghan didn’t seem to overthink about it, because right that moment, he’d been in heaven.

…

 

Finally, both Daniel and Sungwoon had just booked the closest flight to Germany, and after receiving the tickets, they walked in silence towards the waiting area. Nearly 3 hours until the trip to Berlin. They sat next to each other, and Sungwoon turned to Daniel, “ **Do you need coffee? I will go to bring me one.** ” He asked.

“ **Yeah. Whatever.** ” Daniel muttered without looking at him.

Sungwoon knew Daniel’s father for so long by now, and he knew that he wouldn’t send such a message if his situation weren’t that serious. And he was worried.

Daniel was looking at his phone when a text message popped up. He opened it, and there was a video. He didn’t know whose number was that, and he wondered for a moment that maybe it’s another video from his dad! He opened it, and then it started showing Jihoon and Sungwoon dancing. His eyes opened wide, trying to realize who was there in that video. And that was it; the moment he knew it’s Sungwoon. He frowned; then his eyes widened and filled with some unidentifiable feeling. It could be anger, jealousy, or perhaps both. But he’s shocked. He never knew that Sungwoon could do contemporary dance and absolutely not that kind of dance, where he touched other people in such an intimate way. Daniel kept watching until that scene where Jihoon licked Sungwoon’s neck. He gasped in astonishment. ‘What the hell was that.’

The video had just ended, and he rechecked the message. But there was nothing. Not a single letter. And it’s weird. Did Sungwoon send this? It’s not his number, though! And why would he do such a thing? Questions kept flowing in his mind, but anger was quick, growing inside, making the jealousy triggers aroused. “ **Here is your coffee.** ” Sungwoon approached him.

 

Daniel looked at him and stared for a moment. Sungwoon’s hand was still extended toward him, holding the coffee. He waited for Daniel, but the latter only got up and walked passed him, making him startled. Sungwoon quickly turned, “ **HEY! What the fuck?** ” He asked, but the latter didn’t answer, so he kept watching him until he disappeared.

 

Three hours have passed, and the gate area was filling up with travelers. Sungwoon stood up and looked for Daniel and found him nowhere. So he decided to ignore him and walked towards the line. People were starting to enter the plane. Sungwoon turned once again, noticing that Daniel wasn’t there yet. He gave the agent at the desk his boarding pass, she looked at it then at him and said, “Have a nice flight.”

“Thanks.” He told her and walked towards his seat. The first class was filling up quickly, and there was no sight of Daniel that Sungwoon started getting worried. No matter how many times he called his number, nothing worked. But before he decided to get up and look for him, Daniel entered, finally. He walked towards his seat in the first class and sat there. There was a tight path between their positions. “ **Hey, where did you go?** ” Sungwoon asked. Daniel ignored him and put his ear-pods on. Anger grew inside Sungwoon, yet he decided to ignore him for the thousandth time already.

 

…

 

Several hours later, Jihoon woke up from his sleep and reached over to his bedside table where he left his phone. There was a message waiting for him and 16 missing calls from Jinyoung.

[Dude. Where the hell are you? Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I edited the video very well and sent it to Daniel. It took me a long time, but it’s worth it. You gotta check it out.]

Jihoon sighed and tossed his phone on the nightstand and got out of bed. Donghan, who just woke up, looked at him. “Where are you going?” He asked.

“I wanna go home.”

“What do you mean? It’s pretty early.”

“Look Donghan I need to tell you something.” 

Donghan held his hand and tried to tug him into the bed again. But Jihoon pulled his hand away. “What’s wrong?” Donghan asked.

“You know how much I care about you. Right?” Jihoon said, his tone was exasperated, making Donghan’s heart skipping a beat. He got up too. “Yeah, I know. What’s wrong?”

“I want to break up with you.” He said in a cold tone.

“What?” Donghan’s jaw dropped, and a panicked look spread across his white face.

“I am sorry. I just think I can’t do this anymore.”

“W…wait. Is it because I got mad at you and disappeared? I am sorry I won’t do this again.” He inched closer, trying to hold Jihoon who pushed him away. “No, it’s not.” Jihoon retorted defensively. He didn’t want to have to explain anything, he was too exhausted to even think of any reason. He knew he was being unreasonable, but he wanted to get away right now, from everything and everyone. He needed to stay alone and think. No, he didn’t want to think, he wanted to sleep, and not do anything. “I am sorry. Donghan. I need to leave” He got up.

“Hey. Wait.” Donghan tugged his hand to stop him. “Is that because of that guy. Woojin?” He asked. 

“I don’t know.”

“What the heck! Jihoon? What are you saying? You’re mad, I know; I am sorry I won’t disappear again. Please stay. Please.” He said quickly. He felt panicked and sick at his stomach, uncertain of what to say. He never thought this will happen, not like this. “Damn it. Jihoon, okay listen.” He got up, shaking. “You want him. I know, okay, I got it. You can date him as long as you want but don’t break up with me. You slept with him, okay. But you want to do things, and I don’t care. Do whatever you want. Just don’t break up with me, okay?” He asked he knew he was being pathetic. But damn it, the person in front of him was Jihoon, the one he would do anything for him. He even agreed to his rules that he would sleep with whomever he wanted, but stay with him. Fuck, why was he being pathetic? “Jihoon. Say something please!”

Jihoon rubbed his face and let out a heavy sigh. Yet, his chest was still tight. “Donghan. We will be still friends. You won’t lose me.”

“But I don’t want that. I wanna be more. Hey, look. I told you, you can do whatever you want and date whomever you want, but don’t change things between us okay?” He said again.

“Look. I am sorry.” Jihoon said and walked towards the door. Donghan ran after him, he held his arm. “Hey… don't leave please.”

“You’re hurting my arm, Donghan.”

Donghan released his grip. “I am sorry. Don’t leave.”

“Okay, let’s talk about this tomorrow. Just let me go now.” Jihoon opened the door and left, closing it behind.

 

…

Woojin sought revenge, and he made his point. Now that he succeeded in doing so; that he precisely would never fell for Jihoon, or even sleep with him, he should have been relieved, but he wasn’t. And he couldn’t sleep no matter how hard he tried, no matter how tired he was. He just couldn’t take that scene out of his mind when he saw Jihoon’s expression before walking away. At that moment, something deep within him snapped, unleashing a flood of emotions, and as he recalled that scene, his chest tightened, constricting around his heart, making the ache and throb extend to every inch of him. Then, why did nothing feel right? Woojin shut his eyes and tried to sleep. _‘God… I want this… I want you’_ Jihoon’s whisper began repeating inside his head, and fuck; he couldn’t stop it. Woojin opened his eyes for a moment then closed them again, breathing slowly. He turned to the right side, then to the left side. He covered his head with the blanket but took it off. He got up and sighed heavily. However, no matter what he did; Jihoon’s expression, and voice never left his mind.

…

Inside the darkest room of Jihoon’s apartment, he sat there on the couch, staring blankly, and not thinking, really, there were no thoughts, not even scenes. His mind was totally blank, there was nothing, and he felt nothing. No pain, not even a single sense. It was as if his heart, his mind, and his eyes were numbed. Yet, there was one voice that just began flowing into his brain. And for the first time ever, he didn’t want it to shut up.

_‘Why you want to fly Blackbird you ain't ever gonna fly… cause your mama's name was lonely, and your daddy's name was a pain, and they call you little sorrow 'cause you'll never love again. So why you want to fly Blackbird, you ain't ever gonna fly.’_

The melody and the lyrics of this song swam alone through the emptiness in his mind. Jihoon knew he was that little sorrow; he knew he was that Blackbird who would never gonna fly. This time; however, he was okay with that fact, although he had always hated that song, now, after many years, he seemed that he finally accepted the reality. No, or perhaps yes, he’s that little sorrow, and he will always be one. Because if he weren’t, she wouldn’t sing that song over and over again.

That day, Jihoon remained just like this; awake. But not totally awake. Perhaps his eyes were open. But everything else was shut.

…

It was 8 AM in Berlin’s time zone when their plane had landed. Both of Daniel and Sungwoon had been sleeping the whole flight. They hadn’t talked to each other at all. Daniel would sometimes wake up, finding that Sungwoon either sleeping or just staring at the window. And there were times in which Sungwoon would check on him too, and see that he’s on his phone consistently. Sungwoon didn’t know if Jinyoung had sent his video or not yet. He just wished if he didn’t, or he wouldn’t send it at all, especially right now, after what happened to Daniel’s dad; because things might only get worse. And since Daniel hadn’t change the way he treats him, he couldn’t tell if he had reached the video or not. However, having all these worries inside his head, Sungwoon decided not to think about it anymore and to focus only on Seung Yeon’s issue.

Both of them had done the check-out and walked towards the exit in silence. They got in the first Taxi they found and headed towards the hospital. As soon as they got there, they asked the reception for Seung Yeon. She looked at the records she had and then told them where to find him. 

No words have been spoken between them yet, they both had ignored each other all the time. Finally, they reached the room for which they were looking. The moment Daniel tried to open the door, a nurse stopped him. “Excuse me?” She asked, “who are you?”

“Oh. I am Seung Yeon’s son.” He told her.

“Oh! Okay, he has been expecting you. You can go inside, but please be quick. Only family members are allowed to go there. Other people can be here by visiting times.” She told him.

The moment Sungwoon stepped toward the door. Daniel stopped him with his hand and turned to the nurse. “You said only family members, right?" 

She nodded. He then turned to Sungwoon. “ **You heard her.** ”

Sungwoon’s eyes widened.

Daniel looked again at the nurse, “He’s not part of the family.” His tone was dry and cold.

Sungwoon’s heart pounded then squeezed in pain. His eyes were opened wide, not believing what he had just heard. He stared at Daniel in bewilderment, trying to get a sense of the bullshit he’s saying. Was he kidding? 

Daniel didn’t even look at him, and stepped in, closing the door behind.

Sungwoon was still shocked by his words. What the heck was that? As anger grew inside, he walked forward to enter the room. “Hey!” The nurse said. “You can’t go in, not even stay here. Please leave the area.”

He stopped and closed his eyes for a second, taking a deep, heavy breath. Then he decided just to walk away and not create any problems.

Daniel was right. Sungwoon wasn’t part of that family; he’s a total _fucking_ stranger. But Why did it hurt that much? It wasn’t Daniel’s first curl words. By now he should have been used to all the shit Daniel might say. Even if those words were the cruelest. He shouldn’t be hurt, _damn it_.

 

…

 

Woojin wasn’t the same person anymore; he thought he knew himself better than anyone, but not anymore. These two months had affected him so much; in a way, he hadn’t thought it would happen.

He had been in love once when he was in high school; however, Hyungseob couldn’t control him. Not like the way Jihoon was doing to him right now. Or perhaps, it wasn’t just easy to control Park Woojin back then. He must have changed; otherwise, Jihoon wouldn’t be able to control him like this. Regardless of the reasons; he’s doing all he could to fight back.

And he _did it._

Apparently, he succeeded in showing Jihoon that he would never have sex with him. But a question began wondering his head; why did it feel so wrong? Since ever he walked out of that room, he couldn’t take Jihoon out of his head. Yet, the moment he would regret all he did; he would quickly convince himself that he did the right thing, even though a big part of him still didn’t agree. 

All he knew his entire life; every step should be planned ahead. But lately, the way he’s behaving wasn’t in that goddamned plan. Everything seemed to be out of control; even himself. No; especially himself.

Woojin indeed had changed; usually, he would bury himself in his books, to focus more, and to work hard, to forget everything. Now, things seemed to be a lot harder. He just couldn’t do whatever he did before. Now, he would see Jihoon and think about him every goddamned second.

…

 

The moment Daniel got inside; his dad was sleeping. He padded and sat on the chair and gazed down upon his dad’s now-peaceful face. His eyes were filling with tears, but he managed to swallow down the sob.

A few moments passed as he was solely staring.

 

Then, finally, his dad started to move and slowly opened his eyes, finding Daniel there. “ **Daniel…?** ” He asked, expecting to see him, but surprised by how fast he had gotten here.

“ **Why didn’t you tell us before?** ” Daniel’s voice broke a bit as he held his dad’s hand.

“ **I am sorry.** ” Seung Yeon tightened on his grip. “ **It’s just… I didn’t want you to get worried too much. I am okay, son.** ” He added.

His son shook his head. “ **Don’t do this again. Please?** ” He got up and hugged his dad so tight. And as soon as they separated, his dad spoke again, asking, “ **Where is Sungwoon?** ”

Daniel breathed a heavy sigh of resignation. “ **They didn’t let him in, because he’s not a member of the family.** ” 

“ **What do you mean by that? He’s one of our family!** ” His dad said anger tone could be heard from his voice. “ **Call him.** ”

“ **He left. I will let him come later.** ”

“ **Are you guys still hate each other?** ”

“ **No** ”

“ **Don’t lie to me, Daniel! I know you.** ”

“ **We don’t hate each other, dad. We have already made up. Don’t worry. So now tell me, how do you feel? What did the Doctor say!”**

A heavy sigh was released from Seung Yeon. “ **I need to see him.** ”

“ **I will bring him later, can you please answer my questions and stop asking about him?** ” Daniel was obviously pissed. His anger surprised Seung Yeon with its intensity, and he judged from his reaction that they both for sure have never made up.

As if Seung Yeon didn't have enough to worry about, new worries began absorbing him, passing like unpleasant dreams. “ **I have done everything to get you close to each other.** ” He began, feeling his heart tightened at the thought that just crossed his mind. “ **What if I died?** ”

“ **What?**!” Daniel asked, so much afraid that his heart stood still. “ **You won’t die. You hear me?** ”

“ **You know I will die someday** ” He muttered. But suddenly his head began to sharply sting, and he put his both hands to his head.

“ **Are you okay?** ” Daniel got up again. “ **Dad?** ” The pain was sharpened that he didn’t even hear Daniel anymore. The latter ran out of the room, screaming as he went to look for any doctor. The nurses saw him and rushed for him.

Sungwoon was nearby the area, he heard Daniel, and his heart sank to his stomach. He ran towards the room. Doctor and nurses got inside and closed the door, not letting anyone in. “ **What happened?** ” Sungwoon asked Daniel. 

“ **I…I don’t know. We were talking, but his head suddenly hurt him. I don’t really know…** ” Daniel said as tears were falling.

“ **W…what do you mean…? What if something happened to him…?** ” Sungwoon asked in a panic. 

“ **I don’t know Sungwoon…** ”

“ **What if something happened…** ” Sungwoon began to clutch at his hair. “ **You…you don’t let me see him…** ” Tears began to fall. He couldn’t stand still; his legs went weak from that thought.

 

Daniel was shocked. He held him. “ **Hey…hey…there’s nothing will happen.** ” He said as he hugged him unintentionally, or perhaps he was aware. “ **I am sorry…** ” He said. Suddenly Sungwoon pushed him. “ **If something happened to him. I will never forgive you, Daniel. Do you hear me?** ” He yelled.

The door opened, and the Doctor came out. They both went to him. “What happened?” Daniel nervously asked. 

“He had a seizure. But he’s okay right now.”

“What’s wrong with him,” Sungwoon asked. “Can I see him?”

“I am sorry you can’t right now. You will get to see him tomorrow. He will be sleeping for the whole day."

“Will he get better?” Daniel looked very scared. He tried his best to stay calm.

“I will be honest with you guys. He’s in his late phases. But he might get better, we can’t assume things. We are doing our best.”

“W…wait! What late phase…?” Daniel asked, surprised.

 

…

 

On Monday morning, David was inside Richard’s office. He told Richard that he didn’t ask Woojin anything yet and that Hyunsuk was there and saw them together.

Richard looked mad because he also hated Hyunsuk.

Precisely, they hated each other, but they tried their best not to show it to Jihoon; yet, Jihoon knew about it but never mentioned it.

“Anyway, don’t worry, I will ask Woojin as soon as possible,” David said, sipping his coffee.

“Okay, but please be quick,” Richard told him, and David nodded.

There was a knock on the door. “Yes?” He asked. And the door opened. Hyunsuk stepped in, with a smile on his face. “Wow…the team is here.”

Richard let out a sigh. “Yes, Hyunsuk?”

“I see that you bought a kid to treat Jihoon. So what happened? Did it work?” He asked as he approached the desk.

“You know I’d do everything to treat Jihoon. So what’s your problem?”

“My problem is that you think he’s sick."

Richard let out a scoff, not believing his own ears. “You must be kidding me.”

“That’s why Jihoon hates to spend time with you. Because all you think about is how sick Jihoon is and how you should treat him. But, I don’t treat him that way, and this is why he likes to spend time with me more. Because I treat him as a normal person, not as a sick one.”

“You finished?” Richard asked.

“I saw David and that guy Woojin yesterday. So I thought you had a new plan to treat him. But since David told me that Jihoon had invited them there. Then, perhaps there is nothing to worry about, right?”

“What do you want Hyunsuk?” David finally asked. He was worried, because the moment Hyunsuk mentioned the invention that he lied about, he got scared that he might tell Jihoon about it. And then; what about Woojin? He’s thinking that Jihoon invited him What if they weren’t in the right relationship? 

“What I want is that you just leave Jihoon alone, and maybe try to be close to him and understand him more, instead of this manipulation,” Hyunsuk said and then walked out of the office, not giving them any chance to comment on what he had just said.

They both looked at each other in wonder. Richard shook his head and sighed. David; yet, was still worried about that lie. He took his phone and decided to send Woojin a message.

 

…

 

In spite of Hyunsuk irritation, he couldn't help smirking. If he’s lucky enough, they would perhaps focus on how to get close with Jihoon instead of helping him out and let him remember everything; which was the original source of his irritation. Nevertheless, he should trust Eunchul if he wanted to live in peace; because in the last few months, he was very tensed that Jihoon may remember everything happened to him. Or remember him specifically. Hyunsuk shook off that negative thought out of his head and walked out of the building.

 

…

 

If the past three days were the worst in Jihoon’s measurable life, he would probably be in the police custody right now. Those days; in fact, were the worst, and yet, he wasn’t there. People who knew him had been already used to his disappearance; however, he wasn’t. He wasn’t even used to this situation, and it killed him.

Jihoon was alone in his room, alone with his thoughts. He swung between numbness and sensibility; that he would feel so much pain in a moment, and then, he would feel so empty again.

In the past, Jihoon would disappear for days and come back even better than before, but now, it seemed so hard that he even forgot how to recharge himself, how to get back stronger.

It felt like if he was in a breaking point; where he didn’t know what to feel, and how to think. Like nothing mattered, even though to him, _everything_ probably mattered.

If Jihoon were someone else, someone different; he would probably have killed himself by now, but he wasn’t. Not because he was strong; in spite of people who were telling him that. It was because he simply didn’t deserve to die. Besides, he would never ever do what his mom had done. 

Indeed, his mom wanted to kill him, and he still remembered that.

She really wanted Jihoon dead. And that wasn’t just a nightmare! Although he had seen that scene for so many years; it wasn’t imagination. He wished it would. He tried so many times to get that scene out of his head. But he learned to accept that reality, or perhaps he never did.

Jihoon couldn’t remember why she wanted to kill him, but he clearly remembered that she raised the gun towards him, he remembered the moment when he was lying on the floor and crying so hard, begging her not to kill him. Fuck! Why can’t he remember the reason? If he just could remember, he would make her very miserable wish come true.

He would kill himself.

It wasn’t easy to remember something that had been buried deep in his mind, though. 

That nightmare; however, was as real as he remembered it. As if it were an episode he had watched a lot and had sequential scenes. Very consecutive clips; his mom rising a gun, pulling the trigger, he’s crying and calling her so many fucking times, beginning her not shoot him.

Finally, the scene in which she accepted his pleading and shot herself instead.

_So yeah; maybe she deserved to die?_

Upon recalling the most miserable memory, he had ever lived. There was knocking on the door, first rather timidly performed, and then louder. He didn’t answer and decided to ignore it. But that knocking was getting louder. Fuck! He swore, he had enough pain in his head, and he wouldn’t want to get more. But it wouldn’t end. Jihoon knew how stubborn Jinyoung could be, and probably he would stay there until Jihoon decides to open that fucking door. Finally, Jihoon managed to walk his way to the door without falling down. He was weary of everything. He hadn’t eaten and didn’t sleep. As he opened the door, he couldn’t believe who was looking at him directly in his face; it was Woojin.

…

Two hours ago

 

Woojin was trying his best to distract himself from thinking of Jihoon. He flipped so many pages, but he couldn’t read any of the books he had in hand. There was something wrong, he could feel it. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that, Jihoon deserved what happened. No matter how consistently he tried to convince himself that, he didn’t want Jihoon, even if he wanted him as much as the latter did. Perhaps things meant to end that way. Therefore, he should stop his mind from that fucking overthinking.

While he looked for another book that might attract his attention, his phone dinged, and he pulled it out to see the text message. It was from David, he opened it and began reading. [Hi Woojin, this is David. I hope you’re doing very well. I hadn’t seen you after Jihoon’s performance, and I would like to meet you again if you are free. Anyway, I am sorry I told Hyunsuk that Jihoon invited us both. You were my guest.]

Woojin’s eyes widened. His heart throbbed. He reread those lines. Images from what happened between him and Jihoon went through his mind as a flash-back. The look on Jihoon’s face, stood clear in his mind.

 

 

…

 

“W…Woojin?” Jihoon managed to get that name out of his mouth. He was shocked. The latter was standing there; probably shocked too; he hadn’t expected to see Jihoon like that, so exhausted; as if he hadn’t slept a wink, as if he hadn’t eaten for these two days. Indeed, that was true. And despite Jihoon’s white hoodie and his white shorts, he still looked thinner than the last time Woojin saw him.

“ **Hey…** ” Woojin began.

“ **What are you doing here?** ” Jihoon asked. He was furious, but his voice came out sounding weaker than he liked. Woojin let himself in, and Jihoon couldn’t block his way or push him out of his home. _Damn it;_ he’s barely standing there. What the hell did he want? Woojin closed the door, and a quick flash-back went through Jihoon’s mind, reminding him of the moment Woojin stepped into the backstage room. “ **Woojin…** ” He wanted to yell. But he wasn’t even able to raise his voice.

“ **I am sorry…** ” Woojin told him, slowly stepping closer as if he was afraid of being pushed, though he could clearly see how tired Jihoon looked.

 

“ **Get out,** ” Jihoon said in the most controlled voice. There was that moment when tears almost formed in Jihoon’s eyes. _‘Oh, fuck!’_ A moment of weakness when he almost gave in. “ **Don’t you hear me?** ” Jihoon asked again. His voice wouldn’t break. He wouldn’t break. Woojin would never break him ever again.

“ **Look, I thought you were the one who told David to call me there. To see the performance. I was mad.** ” 

“ **What…?** ” Jihoon raised an eyebrow. And then he let out a scoff. Yet he was startled. “ **You thought I asked him to invite you…?** ”

Woojin nodded. Jihoon waited for a moment, in an attempt to understand what Woojin was trying to say. “ **Get the hell out of here.** ” He said. But it hurt his head at the moment he did. His body was trembling, and he consistently felt dizzy.

“ **No. I can’t get out. Not when I saw how bad you look. Damn it Jihoon haven’t you had a sleep ?** ” There was the tenderness in his voice again. Woojin came closer, but Jihoon quickly stepped back. “ **What do you want…?** ” He asked as he could barely stay focus. But anger was stronger.

Woojin didn’t speak for a moment. He didn’t know what to say. Yes, he did, but he couldn’t say it. Yet he needed to say something. “ **I am sorry**.” 

“ **Cut the shit!** ” Jihoon said and pushed his hair back with his hands, but instead of sticking, it fell back down the sides. He was getting insane. All of this didn’t make any sense. Woojin was driving him crazy, he walked and then stopped moving, pinching his fingers between his eyes on the bridge of where his nose began. As if he had a dreadful headache. “ **You’re not sorry. You’ve never been…** ” He said, still holding his head.

“ **I am…** ” Woojin raised his voice, interrupting him. “ **…Sorry, Jihoon.** ” There was a sincere look in his eyes as if he was searching Jihoon’s face for something. “ **I am not lying, believe me.** ” He narrowed his eyes, imploring him that Jihoon thought he swallowed his heart because his whole damn body was throbbing.

“ **All I am to you is a curiosity…a little toy to play with. Aren’t I?** ” Jihoon asked. The emotions Woojin read in his eyes were so clearly pained, so heartbreaking. “ **No, you are not.** ” He answered immediately.

Jihoon laughed ironically. “ **You think you’re so special since I wanted to have sex with you.** ”

“ **You said you want me Jihoon,** ” Woojin said, his voice sounding oddly hoarse.

“ **I’ve wanted so many people, that doesn’t make you anything special. Park Woojin** ” Jihoon quickly responded with a pitiful, weary, and distracted look, though at the same time he was arrogant and self-confident. And Woojin could see it all.

“ **Jihoon…** ” Woojin called in almost a whisper. He had no idea how to tell him the effect he had on him. Emotions roiled through him, one tumbling over the other. _Shit_ , he didn’t understand any of them. He stepped closer, but Jihoon stepped back again. 

“ **Or wait. I know why you’re here.** ” Jihoon smiled again, trying to hide the pain. “ **You want to get my past _‘out of my mouth’_ that’s what you came for. Right?**”

“ **No. Jihoon…** ”

“ **No? That’s okay... You don’t have to lie. Did David ask you to treat me? I will give you what you came for.** ” Jihoon said and walked toward his locker. He opened it and took out a gun. Woojin’s eyes widened in shock as he watched Jihoon approaching him, holding the gun. “ **Hey… What are you doing…?** ” Woojin asked.

“ **Do you see this gun?** ” Jihoon asked calmly.

Woojin nodded. Nervous.

“ **It’s a 357 magnum,** ” Jihoon said. “ **This is the same type of gun that Mom killed herself with.** ” 

Woojin stopped breathing for a moment, shocked.

“ **Yeah, surprising. I know. But what more surprising is that she wanted to kill me first.** ”

Jihoon told him, putting the gun under his chin. By now, Woojin was dumbfounded and worried as fuck. He thought about trying to take the gun from him but knew from the expression on Jihoon’s face that any sudden move would have scratched his itchy trigger finger. He tried to stay calm. “ **Jihoon… Would you please put the gun down?** ”

“ **Oh.** ” He put the gun down. “ **Did you think I would shoot myself?** ”  He put it back once again.

“ **No. But I am fucking worried you might do it by accident. So please put the gun down.** ” Woojin said, taking a step closer.

“ **Don’t,** ” Jihoon said. And Woojin stopped. **“Okay,** ” Woojin told him, perhaps he would be able to distract Jihoon by asking a question. “ **Tell me why did she want to kill you?** ”

 

“ **I can’t remember. But I remember when she pointed the gun towards me, and I remember that I cried and begged her not to do it. She obeyed, but shot herself instead.** ” Jihoon said, staring at Woojin’s shocked expression; however, he had no expressions, solely looked tired. He lowered the gun. Finally throwing it away.

Woojin breathed a sigh of relief. 

" **She deserved to die, but I don’t. I would never kill myself. Do you hear me?** ” Jihoon stated. Anger in his tone.

“ **I know you wouldn’t.** ” Woojin stepped closer. Jihoon didn’t move. “ **I am sorry.** ” He whispered huskily.

“ **Now you know a part of my past. So your mission is over. So leave.** ”

“ **I didn’t come for your past Jihoon, damn it.** ”

“ **Oh. Right. You came for sex…?** ”

“ **Jihoon…** ”

“ **You said you won’t fuck me, though.** ”

“ **Jihoon please…** ” 

“ **What? Am I wrong?** ”

“ **No, you ain’t. But god…** ”

“ **Okay. Here I am. Do whatever you want. Then leave.** ” Jihoon said and stretched his both hands.

“ **Jihoon I came here to apologize for what I did to you. I would give anything to go back and do it differently. I know I broke your heart.** ”

Jihoon closed his eyes, willing away the pain as realization downed quite clearly. Woojin had made him feel things he had never felt. He didn’t think his day could have gotten any worse. That night, Woojin touched him with an embrace and sexy kiss that revived what he believed dead inside in one quick unexpected moment. Jihoon opened his eyes again, he felt himself start to lose consciousness. _Hell!_ He would not fall in front of Woojin. He slowly walked, grabbing the wall. “ **What’s wrong…!** ” Woojin asked.

Jihoon couldn’t speak as he fought against it and was rewarded by the sight of the restroom’s door. He grabbed it with just enough awareness that he was really losing consciousness. Beads of sweat were running lines now. Woojin was quick, he caught him before he would hit the ground. 

Then everything around him became black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would be really happy if u could tell me what you think of this ch.


End file.
